Sunday...

not feeling exactly in the best of moods right now...
probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed...woke up feeling even more tired than before sleeping...
maybe i just woke up too many times...maybe i just had too much on my mind...

sianz...
that is the best word to describe how i feel now...ultra sianz...

have not been posting any entries for awhile...well, the fact is dat i had a couple of entries but i did not publish them...i find that i've been blogging those couple of times onli when i was feeling down...
and it's the same for tis time too...sianz...

i guess helping friends out reali does come back a full circle...
a friend reminded me awhile ago that i had told her tis before...that whenever she feels lost or have a feeling similar to that, just take a step back and look at the bigger picture...in that way, she'll be able to rediscover the right direction and path to step on...and will lose that lost feeling...
it was so easy for me to give that advice whenever that happened for her or someone else...it was almost always so obvious...do this, and you will get that...

it's definitely not that easy for oneself though...it's easier said that done...
there's tis list of sorta comflicting and intertwined feelings that i have...i don't want to mention on a blog why that is the case but it's been killing lots of my enthusiasm and motivation...and dousing my fire...
i have been able to onli meet or exceed my own expectations a few times compared to maybe in the past...and that's partly cos i have had to drag myself past these intertwined obstructing feelings to be able to do dat...
maybe in the past, it was almost always natural, innate and easy...
whenever the fire burnt, i had that extra energy and ideas...
nowadays, the fire burns less frequently and has been less energetic...

well, what comes next? i'm not sure...
I know I need to take a step back...but I'm still plagued with those intertwined feelings and they are really a major obstacle to anything i do...
somehow, i'm still surviving and doing well enough in some aspects of life that are important...but perhaps i feel unhappy cos even so, i feel that i'm not performing to my best...
and why am i not performing to my best? that's cos of the intertwined feelings and obstructions...

okie...after a long story...let's cut it short...summary in 2 lines...
i've been feeling unhappy because i feel that i could have been doing better, and the reason why i'm not doing as well i think i am capable to is because of this complex and intertwined, obstructing feelings...

there you go, the summary...

now, many people of late have been telling me that i'm setting too high expectations which are inadvertently giving myself too much pressure...i guess i realize that too...
maybe i need to attend a course on expectation moderation...
competitiveness is healthy only when it breeds positive feelings...

after saying so much, i've identified the feeling and the root causes...
how about the solution?

i guess i know it too...take a step back, think about things, and moderate my expectations...
that should do the trick...

how about the execution of the solution?
i guess i know what to do too...but there's so great resistance and inertia...brought about by the obstructions...

by now, if anyone is reading this, i do sound a little confused, don't i?

looks like i better take a break soon and seriously force myself to execute the solutions i've identified...

thanks to anyone who has listened to my grouses and those who have given me advice...
appreciate it...but it's now time for me to do it myself...maybe with some encouragement...

identify the problem, recommend the solution...
solve the problem...
sometimes, it's reali easier said than done...

how abt 'The tougher the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it?'
Jinfa, do u not have the ability to over this obstacle???