Monday...

To be fair, there are nice people in my life.
When shit happens, I also know of people who may stick around, in theory at least.
I am also pretty sure who will definitely stick around, and who will not, in the practical sense.

Of the people in the last category, I can probably count using one hand.
There are really not that many persons whom I can 100% count on when I need to do so...

This is my first post in almost 2yrs...
Why this is so, I can't really explain...but certainly, it implies that I had become more reliant on other channels of expressing myself since the days when I felt that blogging as a means to voice my thoughts was cool...

Maybe it's high time to switch back to the blog...
At least, I will not encounter resistance so frustrating that it pisses me off...What's the worst thing that can happen as I type?
Lose internet connection? Blogger.com goes down? Laptop crashes?
Still, not quite the same order of magnitude of frustration as what a fellow human being can cause...

I have grown increasingly skeptical and cynical over the years...
Of people, of things that have happened to me, of simply, the world...
Today, the cumulative effect has resulted in me trusting no one fully except for one or two persons at best...(and that number includes myself)...

Maybe it's better to be this way?
Like with everything in life, there are always pros and cons; trade-offs almost always exist...
While this means that I may never have a moment of peace, it also means that I reduce the probability that I will be hit by that one, BIG wham type of hit that will crumble my knees to a you-will-never-be-able-to-stand-up again position...

In a way, I feel that I have been semi-forced to such a mindset now...by the chain of events that have taken place in my life the last 10years...

All the more now, I don't believe I can fully trust anyone outside of that one or two persons to stand by me in any situation...
I had been assuming, for the last few years that there will be a new candidate to join this niche category...but cracks have begun to show...and I'm less sure than I was...
Maybe the transition to the next stage will still take place...but whether the door to the niche can be opened (I don't own the keys), only time can tell...

I'd love to be that fortunate kid who has grown up to be an even more fortunate adult, who is loving, who loves the world, who is loved by everyone...but the reality is increasing divorced from this ideal...

Therefore, I better be self-reliant on most, if not all fronts...
Self-reliant on:
1. Decisions - I better be damn sure that regardless of advice i get from anyone, I consider the pros and cons and consequences myself because if my theory above is correct, no one except for that one person will stick by me...(and I have had to suffer before for making this mistake)...

2. Time - I better not assume that I'll have somebody by my side all the time or anytime...It's easier to assume that I'll have to clear the shit myself and if by any chance, someone turns up, I'll feel much better...

3. Love - I should learn to love myself more, for otherwise, I won't receive much more except from the few persons in good times and one person, during not so good times...

What does the future hold?
I don't know...and scenario planning in this instance sucks because the possibilities are infinite...
Since this theory holds, I should reduce the number of things that I have long range planning catered for...

So, what can I plan long range?
Good question...nothing???

Sighz, I'm running around in circles...I need some extremely wise and objective advice...
This is similar to my last post about fate and destiny...i end up with no answers...

Will I even continue to post blog entries in the short term (since I'm not planning long range)?
I don't even know that...maybe i will...but if I do so, it may just mean that I'm pulling myself back from the commitment that I'm afraid to be hurt by and switching to this lifeless technological machine which can suck in the thoughts that I type on my laptop...

CONfusing Post...
CONfused Thoughts...
by a CONsultant...
what a joke...