Thursday...

It is 8th May 2008 today.
I'm filled with all sorts of thoughts...some of which are accumulated from months or even years ago; some of which are more recent ones...

I have thought of writing a short summary of my life over the last 25 years, with a focus on the last 4yrs, which have actually seen greater changes in myself...
For now, I will make do with making this post; which I feel is necessary...

I bumped into an old friend today. My primary school friend.
We have known each other since p1, when we were 7. That is about 18yrs ago. Amazing huh, am I that old already?
He was an intelligent boy. I can't remember for sure whether we were in the same class for 6yrs, but he was definitely in the same class as me in p5 and p6, which was the EM1 class. He was a pretty close friend of mine. We hung out together to play soccer before and after classes as well as tuition at Mr Gan's class (which was ultra great fun btw). The only unfortunate thing was that he once had a bout of fever when he was younger which caused some damage to this hands. Nevertheless, he was fortunate enough to have survived that.

Today, on the way home, I saw him walking in front of him. We stay quite close to each other but since primary school, we have not been in contact since as we went to different secondary schools.
I did not approach him just now although I felt like because I wasn't sure what we could have talked about. Well, that was lousy, wasn't it? And to think that I take pride in being able to network and speak with strangers eloquently.

I hope he has been fine. I miss the days when we were so carefree back in primary school, playing soccer all day long, laughing at each other and others, watching cartoons together, playing games, attending school.
I met up with another two primary classmates just about a month ago. One is in NUS now while the other will be receiving his PhD in Engineering next year from Imperial College, UK.
All achievers.

When we were kids, we wanted to grow up. Parents and adults laughed at us, telling us that we would not say that once we were grown up. I did not really buy that advice.
Now, I believe it entirely.

Life is so filled with challenges at the adult level, from studies to health to being sociable enough to career and to family, amongst many other widely-recognized achievements in life.
The path I have trodden on so far has not been a bed of roses.
As a matter of fact, it has been extremely rough at times.
Few people know it. At this age, few people would have the chance of stepping on such a path. I dealt with it. I picked myself up when I fell down. I overcame all odds. I have scaled greater heights repeatedly. I am finally closer to being able to realize my innate potential, which I have always believed to be high. I have been able to stretch myself further by extending my personal limits.

But it has not been easy doing all these. It has not.
It comes with a price. And what is the price?
Well, I fell sick. It was a warning sign that it was time to slow down a little and allow my body and health to recuperate. Having been very fit all my life, health and fitness had never been concerns. Now, it has started to be so after the warning lights flashed. I have started to pay more attention to this and make sure that I get sufficient rest.

Mental as well as physical challenges have been aplenty. Having loaded myself with responsibilities that are heavier than what one ought to carry, I felt very tired, yah, both mentally and physically. This mainly stretched for close to 2yrs. It has probably improved slightly recently.

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Arriving at the question I have been thinking alot about of late...
What do I want in life? What do I consider as success?

It is so difficult to answer the question. I'm sure many people agree.
Across hundreds to thousands of centuries, human beings probably have struggled with this question endlessly. I have seen some seniors who are greater achievers than myself stepping back and asking themselves the same question. They felt empty and were not the happiest people even though they had achieved in their careers what few others could have done in the same duration. They were the envy of strangers and pride of parents. But they were not happy enough. They felt tired too.
What's wrong?
This is something which I have started to feel, at an even earlier age than some of them. Maybe that is because of the tougher path I have had to walk all these years. Maybe I have matured earlier than most other people my age or even those slightly older than me. Maybe I am experiencing everything in life earlier than others because of my more matured and tested mentality.

Increasingly, I feel I cannot connect with some friends. Sometimes, what they say or feel are what I had felt quite some time back. I wish to participate and empathize, but sometimes, it feels tough because it doesn't feel that relevant to me anymore.

Many friends come to me for advice with regards to various areas of life. I appreciate that and see it as a form of honor. I have helped many of my friends by giving them sincere advice. It makes me happy when I see the look or sound of 'oh, why didn't I think of that' on my friends' faces or voices after I dispense with the advice. This is especially so when they see improvements as a result of my advice. I feel happy when I am able to help others.

So is this what makes me happy?
Helping others.
Maybe.

Again, this is an over-generalization. I can be helping others at countless situations. It is hard to specify.

I am going to Perth next week with my girlfriend.
I hope I will feel more enlightened, relaxed, rested, more grateful and well after this trip.

For Health and Glory!