Wednesday...

2 posts in 2 weeks when I was back in Singapore...and now, within a short span of just a few days, I've already chalked up numerous posts....
This statistic alone is enough to spot the differences in my feelings over the last few weeks....

I just have a question here....which at this point...right now, right here...i do not have the answer to...
Having accomplished quite a number of accomplishments here, learning so much, gaining new perspectives, expanded my networks significantly, getting into the top 25 of the business plan competition organized by the top business school in the world, and getting 2nd in Singapore's national business plan competition....
I have lost other things in my life in this 1 year too....
The question is....
Is it all worth it? I wonder...

All of these has been much harder and tougher for me to bear than I had anticipated....or maybe I'm just not as adaptable and as strong as I had thought myself out to be.....I dono....U judge...



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I would say that the past few weeks and 1-2 months have been periods of pretty extreme change...haiz...and change isn't something which I'm most comfortable with...
I remember I was counting down to the number of days left before I would return to Singapore...the first time I actually started counting down...there were about 50+ daes left...
As I counted down to a single digit number, my expectations, thots, feelings about everything here in the US, on the NOC program and about everything back in Singapore had to be adjusted...
I had to think of how people might have changed, how they might perceived me as having changed and an entirely different environment in Singapore vs. the US....

When i eventually landed in Singapore...I had to adjust to the different environment almost immediately...it was made much easier with my family around....i felt very comfortable....
the first dae traveling on the Mrt felt very surreal...it just seemed weird...i was too used to seeing americans and african americans around me....their accents....and it just felt a little weird on the Mrt and on the streets and at Northpoint....
Still, I adjusted back to that pretty soon...cos after all, Singapore's my homeland and I have stayed there for over 20 years....
On my second day back in Singapore...meetings had started and I was running around involved in my meetings already....that was an important day as I met mj for the first time face to face with a different status....tis time, as her bf instead of just a friend...
That, again was another huge change in my life...and I had had to make sure that there would be no awkward moments, cos considering that the way we got together was abit unique...i had to be meticulous to make sure the first meeting after so long worked out perfectly well...
That night, everything worked out pretty well....and i was happy...

following that, the other daes were almost all about meetings and more meetings...running bet my fren's house in sembawang and nus everydae for the various meetings that were held at tis 2 venues....
shutting arnd and then meeting either frens or mj in the evenings were wat i was busy with all the time...
it was tiring, but i wasn't complaining....everythg happened for a reason...and those were things I was prepared for....

my first major frens gathering was with my ee clique...
i was a little disappointed though...
thgs didn't turn out the way i thot they would be....i had expected earlier that there might be some differences in our mindsets oredi...but but....that night, i was just not too happy....

moving on, there was another ktv gathering dat weekend....
tis time round, it was better...i enjoyed myself more....but overall, i felt some sort of disconnect again....i can't and don wan to elaborate here...but the disconnect was very obvious, at least it was very obvious to me....
Overall, i was still a little disappointed....

Meanwhile, things between me and my family were very very good....I was really grateful for their presence....

thgs between me and mj improved tenfold between the first few daes in the first week and to the subsequent daes....i'd say dat for 80% of the time at least, i was reali reali happy...
we just needed dat bit of tweaking in the first few daes...
and indeed, even i am a little surprised at the pace at which we've developed....
but, tis is something which i'm reali happy abt....

in the meantime, the results were announced after the semi final presentation...i had gotten into the finals....from 234 teams to top 6, i was both happy and sianz at the same time....
i felt reali worn out by tis time oredi....and well, let's juz say dat, because of the pride, i was slightly happier to have gotten into the finals....

And so, the second week was flooded with meetings again....
Had a major gathering with my WiseUtd bros....maybe it was too long since we last met.....we took a short while to warm up....
i didn't reali feel a real disconnect here....maybe a slight bit....but it was still a good gathering....i realized dat these r my bros for more than a decade oredi....
perhaps dat's y it was much better....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 2 weeks were fabulous....
but i still am unable to answer my own question....

this emotional turmoil is totally unnecessary and uncalled for...
i'm struggling....feeling the water getting into my lungs....it feels terrible....i can't get to the surface....
I noe i'm heaping lotz of pressure on myself again as i begin to tink abt things....
dat's the problem of being alone here....i don get the support i get when I'm in Singapore...

I'm so glad there's someone with me now.....
thanks Junming....u prolly wun be reading tis long post....
but I am thankful dat u r here with me now....
thanks for the reminders...

maybe i reali shouldn't be thinking back on my actions, my past decisions since they have all been executed...
i hav made a number of key decisions in the past few years dat i believe have been instrumental in shaping my future, in shaping my thots...in shaping my principles in becoming a person...

I have been told that I speak quite differently from in the past....Actually I know that too....it's sort of different, maybe a different level now....but maybe dat's the cause of the disconnect too...
Many ppl see me differently now oso....I hope it's in the good way....
Well, I do not want to comment on myself....I have heard some consistent comments about me....but no, I am not going to elaborate on them here....but they are still pretty good stuff....so at least i noe i haven't turned bad...
BUT, the only thing I can promise my family, to myself and to my frens is this....
No matter how successful I become, I am still the Jinfa you know....I will never become proud nor complacent...

I almost feel like giving Junming a hug right now....hahz...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have many many questions in my head....I need answers......
Should I continue to chiong for my career like what I have done? What is the limit?
When should I rest? When should I know that enough is enough?
How better can I improve on in my ways of doing things?
What is the balance between family, gf, frens and work?

I spoke to my consulting professor briefly about the tumultuous changes i've had to face going to and from singapore and all dat....
he shared the same sentiments....cos he isn't american too....

i have more and more and more questions....
who can answer them?
Am i supposed to find the answers myself?
I know I might be thinkin too much again.....

but well...
let me be....

Answers....
I need answers to my questions....