Tuesday...
it's tuesday morning where I am now....after the post in Bangkok, I am again stuck waiting for transport here in New York, at the John F. Kennedy Airport...just that, this time, I am waiting for the limousine instead of an aircraft...
The surreal feeling which I had earlier described is sort of back again....
I'm back in the US, the 2 weeks have passed by so soon....
Somehow, I feel tougher when I'm over here....Lemme explain lest someone starts to misunderstand what I actually mean....
Over here, I've got to fend for myself with regards to ALL kinds of matters...from simpler matters like household chores to more complicated ones like office or project work...Back in Singapore, I feel so protected...even though I've got to stand up for myself, more often than not, there are already existing barriers to protect me; all these are almost non-existent here....
Which is partly why I am much naturally adopting a tougher stance and attitude here....
Also, the fighting instinct in me is naturally raised because due to some reasons, I am somehow more aware that my ownership of everything back in Singapore might be compromised just because I'm not physically back there...things such as relationships, friendships, etc....
As such, I constantly seek to improve myself here on all levels and to accomplish as much as I can...and more often than not, I slip into overdrive mode for endless periods of time until I get so tired I just have to take a break....
Good....and no good....
I will take note of that....I will be kinder to myself....
7 weeks before I return to Singapore...
my biggest concern is mj...although everything seems alright, I still feel real bad that I have to put her through this...
my family is very understanding....they do not mind that I've spent more time with mj than them sometimes...cos they know what is important to me and what I have to do to make sure everything's alright...
they will be here in 4 weeks....to travel together as a family...I will make sure that they enjoy every bit of their time here....I feel so fortunate to have them in my life....
Right, back to the 7 weeks issue...
I remember that i was so sure, so determined about the resolution i set for myself before i came to the US last year....I didn't want to get into any relationship in this one year because I didn't want to make any girl wait....
She has told me that waiting is terrible...and I know it too...
I certainly am glad that we have been together since earli March....but at the same time, there is the ambivalence which exists in me....I feel really bad that she has to go through this with me....haiz...
7 weeks, to many is not too long....To me, I think it will pass by very quickly...but i am worried that she might get weary after awhile....and it won't be good for her....
because as it is presently, she is already losing sleep because I've just flown back here...
Having said that, her mental strength so far and attitude towards this entire issue has impressed me and surpassed my expectations...
Perhaps I am the one who is worrying too much....
To be honest, it is not all too easy for me either...
I remember during the family dinner last saturday, her mum said that I'd be the one who will be feeling worse cos I will be alone in the US....
and although I did not say anything to that, I felt happy that she understood wat I was going through and what i'll have to go through....
Sometimes, people think that I enjoy myself here alwaiz....and all the time cos of my opportunities to travel....and to stay in the United States...
what they don't see are the uglier scenes...the struggles, the tiring and endless amount of work, the politics, etc etc....they onli see the good scenes and think that I am here to enjoy myself...
WRONG.....
being here alone sometimes is really difficult...
no one whom i trust 101% to talk everything to....no one whom i can totally rely on except for myself...
no one to complain and grumble to....no one to lean against when i feel reali down, reali tired and juz need a pillar....
Yes, with the internet, i can easily contact my family and anyone back in Singapore...
but the 12 hrs difference makes the entire experience totally different....haiz...
Like now, I am missing her alot....I still have lotz of other thgs to handle here....so, actually, it's not really a piece of cake for me too...
Xiaotian was asking me the other day how I can seem to manage all my commitments and yet maintain my networks back in Singapore so well...
Well, XT, more often than now, ppl don get to see the tough side of the life I have to cope with here....
I'm not saying that it is so bad dat it's intolerable...i'm juz saying that it's not as easy as many ppl might think it is...
alright, i'm not sure y i'm kinda grumpy now...
prolly cos i'm starting to feel sleepy...darn the jet lag....and oso cos i noe i'll hav to wrap things up nicely in tis final mth...and there is actually quite a lot to handle...
okie nvm....forget abt tis post...i'm losing my concentration oredi....
i juz wan my family to be happy...for mj to be happy...for myself to be happy....
and for my dear frens to be happy...
I will jiayou...
fret not...
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