Wednesday...










































I thought I was simply still affected by the 'being taken for granted' incident yesterday...
Thanks aniwaiz XM, I'm not sure if I reali hav those 'wolverine' powers....but hopefully, I do...

I think I know what the problem is....
Simple, obvious to others but previously oblivious to me....

I am getting burnt out....
These are the familiar symptoms...I noe it....
Grumpy, easily irritable, lack of interest in anything, much less chatty and chirpy as I usually am, don't feel like socializing at all....

Sounds bad?
Well, at the very least, I am rational enough to be talking about the problem even as I am in the midst of it right now....

I am tired. I can go on motivating myself, motivating my frens in Singapore and here, I can push everyone on, including myself, but I guess I need to rest.
And that is what I am doing now.

I was telling Olive to just put aside all her work if she feels so exhausted. And here I am, practising what I preach. I have totally disregarded my schedule and just took the time to rest. I need it.

I have no qualms about revealing my vulnerability. I am after all just another human being.

I miss home, really. This morning, on the way to work, I was travelling with a friend (she's my senior here) and I was telling her....I want to go back, BUT I don't want to go back.
Typo? No....that is the ambivalence I am feeling right now. I want to return for obvious reasons, but at the same time, I know opportunities are abundant here.
Truth be told, I want to return more than stay here though. When everyone thinks that America is the place for entrepreneurs to make it big, I want to prove that that can be done back home too.
I chose to come here, Bio Valley instead of Silicon Valley for the same reason if you don't already know.
Time really really flies. I am 1/3 into my journey here already. Yesterday was exactly the 4th month since I landed in America.

I was looking at some photos taken in the past. Some really made me laugh. Some evoked controversial feelings. Some made me miss certain people even more. Some made me think hard about decisions I have made in my life.
I might have made countless of wrong decisions in my life. But who hasn't?
And who is it to tell anyone about the correctness of a decision? It all depends on perspectives, doesn't it?

I don't know. I miss my room, my bed, the privacy I sometimes yearn to have here.

Chionging for my goals is indeed very energy sapping. I wonder who can sustain this kind of life for extended periods. I wonder if I am asking far too much from myself, whether I am pushing myself way too hard. I wonder too, whether I am rewarding myself or instead, punishing myself.

On the other hand, I know blogging, grumbling or complaining about all these won't change anything. I know myself too well. Having wasted so many years of my life, I know I can never allow myself to underachieve again. Never.

I want to make sure that my family, especially my parents, to be able to retire and enjoy life the way they choose it to be. I want to be able to look out for my sister. I want to make sure that my own family in future will have what it needs to enjoy life. Happiness is the number 1 priority at all times, but I do want them to be able to enjoy the material aspects of life too.

I often say that one of the biggest pities in life is when one chooses to waste one's potential when one has enough to achieve what others can only envy but can't reach regardless of how hard they've tried.
This type of people are undeserving of what they have been blessed with, be it intelligence, some special talent or just the exclusive ability to do unique things which other people can't (think Ronaldinho).
There are people out there who slog their guts out, who grit their teeth despite the kind of obstacles they face, who remain strong regardless of what comes their way. Yet this world is never always as fair as it should be.
They remain far from their goals after years and years of hard work.

I admire them though. I respect them.
They deserve my respect.

Although I, or anyone else will never know whether they have made the right decisions along the way until years later when they have the benefit of hindsight, I would say that if I don't set the kind of expectations for myself as I have done so now, I will most likely regret when I look back 2 decades later.
Regardless of my achievements, I'd be able to say that, 'Look, you tried your best. You have no regrets'....

Miraculously though, I am beginning to feel my energy coming back as I type. Let this be the penultimate paragraph.
I almost feel like a lithium ion battery sometimes. I can last very long, sustaining extended periods with high energy levels, but once I'm flat, I am totally flat until I am recharged.
And I guess I'm in the process of being recharged now.
Perhaps a reader of this post will also understand me slightly better as I pour out my more personal thoughts.


I am still going to chiong. Not tonight though.
Maybe not tomorrow too. But I will chiong, once I am fully recharged again.
I feel better now already. =)

never-say-die...