Monday...

To be fair, there are nice people in my life.
When shit happens, I also know of people who may stick around, in theory at least.
I am also pretty sure who will definitely stick around, and who will not, in the practical sense.

Of the people in the last category, I can probably count using one hand.
There are really not that many persons whom I can 100% count on when I need to do so...

This is my first post in almost 2yrs...
Why this is so, I can't really explain...but certainly, it implies that I had become more reliant on other channels of expressing myself since the days when I felt that blogging as a means to voice my thoughts was cool...

Maybe it's high time to switch back to the blog...
At least, I will not encounter resistance so frustrating that it pisses me off...What's the worst thing that can happen as I type?
Lose internet connection? Blogger.com goes down? Laptop crashes?
Still, not quite the same order of magnitude of frustration as what a fellow human being can cause...

I have grown increasingly skeptical and cynical over the years...
Of people, of things that have happened to me, of simply, the world...
Today, the cumulative effect has resulted in me trusting no one fully except for one or two persons at best...(and that number includes myself)...

Maybe it's better to be this way?
Like with everything in life, there are always pros and cons; trade-offs almost always exist...
While this means that I may never have a moment of peace, it also means that I reduce the probability that I will be hit by that one, BIG wham type of hit that will crumble my knees to a you-will-never-be-able-to-stand-up again position...

In a way, I feel that I have been semi-forced to such a mindset now...by the chain of events that have taken place in my life the last 10years...

All the more now, I don't believe I can fully trust anyone outside of that one or two persons to stand by me in any situation...
I had been assuming, for the last few years that there will be a new candidate to join this niche category...but cracks have begun to show...and I'm less sure than I was...
Maybe the transition to the next stage will still take place...but whether the door to the niche can be opened (I don't own the keys), only time can tell...

I'd love to be that fortunate kid who has grown up to be an even more fortunate adult, who is loving, who loves the world, who is loved by everyone...but the reality is increasing divorced from this ideal...

Therefore, I better be self-reliant on most, if not all fronts...
Self-reliant on:
1. Decisions - I better be damn sure that regardless of advice i get from anyone, I consider the pros and cons and consequences myself because if my theory above is correct, no one except for that one person will stick by me...(and I have had to suffer before for making this mistake)...

2. Time - I better not assume that I'll have somebody by my side all the time or anytime...It's easier to assume that I'll have to clear the shit myself and if by any chance, someone turns up, I'll feel much better...

3. Love - I should learn to love myself more, for otherwise, I won't receive much more except from the few persons in good times and one person, during not so good times...

What does the future hold?
I don't know...and scenario planning in this instance sucks because the possibilities are infinite...
Since this theory holds, I should reduce the number of things that I have long range planning catered for...

So, what can I plan long range?
Good question...nothing???

Sighz, I'm running around in circles...I need some extremely wise and objective advice...
This is similar to my last post about fate and destiny...i end up with no answers...

Will I even continue to post blog entries in the short term (since I'm not planning long range)?
I don't even know that...maybe i will...but if I do so, it may just mean that I'm pulling myself back from the commitment that I'm afraid to be hurt by and switching to this lifeless technological machine which can suck in the thoughts that I type on my laptop...

CONfusing Post...
CONfused Thoughts...
by a CONsultant...
what a joke...

Wednesday...

Some people have it so easy in life...good things are served onto a platter for them, or at the snap of their fingers...

So far, I have realized dat whatever good I have achieved, it has been so much hard work, so much more than some...of course, on the other hand, I'm lucky to have been bestowed certain strengths by my parents...

However, how many trials and tribulations does one have to undergo? What is fate, or destiny?
Why do people say they submit entirely to fate or destiny? Have they been dealt with major blow(s) before? Have they witnessed other people who have been dealt that kind of force before?
Or do they innately believe in it since young?

If fate or destiny refers to "something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot" as defined by dictionary.com, does it imply that fate arranges a series of pre-arranged milestones for everyone?
If so, who makes that arrangement?
If no one made that arrangement, is it totally random then?
If it is totally random, then it would be contradicting the definition since a random set of events cannot have been pre-arranged...

Let's set up a couple of hypotheses.

Hypothesis 1 (the traditional belief):
Fate/Destiny is "something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot" and that this 'something' had been pre-arranged by someone. That is why everyone should submit to it since it is 'unavoidable' and 'pre-arranged'.

Hypothesis 2:
Fate/Destiny is "something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot" BUT this 'something' is a random set of events. Triggers could include the direct and indirect actions of stakeholders involved in every particular event.

Well, I almost really wanted to go on and try to prove one of the hypothesis and attempt to debunk the myth but that was a foolish thought.

I'm here just to grumble and complain again.
All my hard work to gain the strong competitive advantage could be eroded easily overnight and I have not much control. Does that sound unfair?
Does dat sound like a classical scene in dramas whereby a poor farmer has worked extremely hard for a season to harvest his crop but because of a freak act of nature, his crops were all destroyed by a fire the night before harvesting?

Sometimes, I find the battles in life meaningless. This is one such moment.
All the talk about my fighting spirit.
My close bro from school always tells me that I have the 'pa buay toh' spirit, that I seem to be able to stand up stronger than before no matter how I'm hit...
People probably don't know that I've been hit many times worse before in life and so maybe, I appear to be stronger now.

But there's a limit to everyone's tolerance threshold, or the willingness-to-fight-on threshold.

I feel frustrated and it's making me tired, sapping away my fighting spirit.
WTF. Forget it...

Someone many years my senior hit the nail on the head today when she advised me on something.
She's so so right. I have been finding excuses, that's all.
The realization of that just makes me feel both disturbed and confused.
So, what do I do now?

Aren't I supposed to be good at strategic positioning? Why the confusion now?
Crap...

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day...if hope/fate/destiny can still be relied on...

tHe Awakening...

Friday...

So many grouses, so many complaints...
Just in a lousy mood...

I've tried very hard...

Some things are just beyond my control...

Tuesday...

this is going to be a short post to allay any concerns/worries some of my friends may have...

first of all, i'm surprised that there are still people reading my blog...i wonder how many of u out there still do but i've gotten 3 replies to my previous post...sorry to have made u all worried...
that was probably more of a burst of stress...i felt better that same night...

second, the entire project has been completed smoothly...everyone's very happy (including myself), the clients and our team...cos we delivered better and beyond the scope of what was initially decided on...
and i have been told that my ratings are all good...so dat's very good news to me...hahaz... =)

okie...more updates when i meet all my friends clique at a time...
thanks for ur concern!

Fighting Fit...
Mentally, Physically and Skilfully... =)

Sunday...

not feeling exactly in the best of moods right now...
probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed...woke up feeling even more tired than before sleeping...
maybe i just woke up too many times...maybe i just had too much on my mind...

sianz...
that is the best word to describe how i feel now...ultra sianz...

have not been posting any entries for awhile...well, the fact is dat i had a couple of entries but i did not publish them...i find that i've been blogging those couple of times onli when i was feeling down...
and it's the same for tis time too...sianz...

i guess helping friends out reali does come back a full circle...
a friend reminded me awhile ago that i had told her tis before...that whenever she feels lost or have a feeling similar to that, just take a step back and look at the bigger picture...in that way, she'll be able to rediscover the right direction and path to step on...and will lose that lost feeling...
it was so easy for me to give that advice whenever that happened for her or someone else...it was almost always so obvious...do this, and you will get that...

it's definitely not that easy for oneself though...it's easier said that done...
there's tis list of sorta comflicting and intertwined feelings that i have...i don't want to mention on a blog why that is the case but it's been killing lots of my enthusiasm and motivation...and dousing my fire...
i have been able to onli meet or exceed my own expectations a few times compared to maybe in the past...and that's partly cos i have had to drag myself past these intertwined obstructing feelings to be able to do dat...
maybe in the past, it was almost always natural, innate and easy...
whenever the fire burnt, i had that extra energy and ideas...
nowadays, the fire burns less frequently and has been less energetic...

well, what comes next? i'm not sure...
I know I need to take a step back...but I'm still plagued with those intertwined feelings and they are really a major obstacle to anything i do...
somehow, i'm still surviving and doing well enough in some aspects of life that are important...but perhaps i feel unhappy cos even so, i feel that i'm not performing to my best...
and why am i not performing to my best? that's cos of the intertwined feelings and obstructions...

okie...after a long story...let's cut it short...summary in 2 lines...
i've been feeling unhappy because i feel that i could have been doing better, and the reason why i'm not doing as well i think i am capable to is because of this complex and intertwined, obstructing feelings...

there you go, the summary...

now, many people of late have been telling me that i'm setting too high expectations which are inadvertently giving myself too much pressure...i guess i realize that too...
maybe i need to attend a course on expectation moderation...
competitiveness is healthy only when it breeds positive feelings...

after saying so much, i've identified the feeling and the root causes...
how about the solution?

i guess i know it too...take a step back, think about things, and moderate my expectations...
that should do the trick...

how about the execution of the solution?
i guess i know what to do too...but there's so great resistance and inertia...brought about by the obstructions...

by now, if anyone is reading this, i do sound a little confused, don't i?

looks like i better take a break soon and seriously force myself to execute the solutions i've identified...

thanks to anyone who has listened to my grouses and those who have given me advice...
appreciate it...but it's now time for me to do it myself...maybe with some encouragement...

identify the problem, recommend the solution...
solve the problem...
sometimes, it's reali easier said than done...

how abt 'The tougher the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it?'
Jinfa, do u not have the ability to over this obstacle???

Saturday...

time flies, and it has since been more than a month since I last blogged even though I had wanted to during the period...
Well, I have so much to say...about work and about friends...

I have been working for slightly past a month already...and feel so privileged to be a mangement consultant...well, people who understand wouldn't need any explanation on why so...

Anyway, work has been challenging my adaptation prowess and intellect in some ways already even though it has been only a few weeks...I have had to find my way to build up the initial foundation for myself...with help from a few superiors of course...
Learning new frameworks and methodologies is no longer new to me as I am going through that ever so often...just the past two days, I was going through Marketing and Sales Strategy training...well, i do know some of it already but nevertheless, it was a good exercise...
I've had to help with proposals; that was challenging at the start because it tested more of my hands-on and operational skills rather than content knowledge at this stage...
and time was always the most limited resource as we rushed against time to churn out that perfect looking proposal...

Well, I think i'll elaborate on work soon again but I may be going overseas soon, for my first project...
more details at a slightly later date... =)

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What I want to talk more about is with regards to friends and Commencement!

I was just looking at the commencement photos and a couple of video clips a moment before I started blogging...and I was chuckling out loud!
It was so funny, yet emotional in many other ways...

The happy expressions on our faces...the invisible sweat that we had gone through the last 4yrs to earn the right to be at the commencement ceremony in the graduation dress, the excitement and yet apprehension about the future...the 'cant bear to leave' feeling (for some of us, or maybe only myself), yet the 'want to explore the world in its entirety' feeling (again, for some of us or maybe only myself)...etc...

The complex intermix of emotions...I felt at the ceremony and now as I look back at the photos...
You might say, well, that's Jinfa for you...

Yes, it might be true...I'm such a person...maybe I think too in-depth sometimes...or oftentimes...
but it comes naturally...

Over the last 4yrs, all of us have taken different routes despite being in the same institution, same clique, same major...

Rewind two years...
I remember vividly speaking to a few friends about the input-output thingy...I'm not sure whether they still remember but let me recap...

Everyone comes into NUS as an individual entitiy (that's the input) part...wish I could draw a diagram but it's okie, try to visualize if you are reading this...
We undergo the 4 years of education and out we go into the corporate world (this is the output part)...what happens in between is a black box...What happens in this black box depends on many factors...
it can depend on:

Internal Factors
1) Self-controlled steering in the direction we aspire to head to
2) Personal networking effort to find the right people to guide us to where we want to go to
3) Putting in the necessary effort to clear the path for ourselves
4) Planning ahead and working smart to get the obstacles out of the way as much as possible

External Factors
1) Presence of opportunities
2) Luck certainly plays a part as well
3) Timing
4) Being at the right place at the right time with the right skills to grab the opportunities

well, I can go on and on, but essentially, that's the gist of what I was speaking to friends about...

Fast forwarding to today, it is interesting to see how our black boxes have worked over the years...our individual well-oiled engines and how they have carried us to our destination today and evolving into new and enhanced black boxes which will carry us into the next few years ahead...
Every few years, it is almost certain that the black box will need to be replaced or upgraded before it can carry us for a longer period of time; over a longer distance, over more testing circumstances, etc...

I am so interested to see how our black boxes will work this time round...

I am seeing things...I am envisoning...
10 years from today...Where will we be?
I am seeing that we will be holding senior management positions in engineering, in banks, in our own startups, in management consultancies, in govt sector, etc...

I remember that I used to always say this and let me repeat it...
We are going to be the future leaders of tomorrow, of Singapore and of the world...
This is the time...to start honing our skills, our knowledge, our networks, and tune our black boxes in a way it will carry us to our desired destinations and become leaders of tomorrow...

I feel so touched even as I think about the last few years and of the mental imagery of the future...
C'mon, we will do this together! =)

Strength and Motivation...

Stewards of Today,

Leaders of Tomorrow...

Sunday...

it's 10pm on Sunday night now...I wanted to blog earlier today but spent more than half the day working...
tomorrow's my first day of work officially...and i have mixed feelings...which is normal...

Aniwaiz...let me continue talking about my EE friends...
bro, saw ur comment...glad we met at NUS... =)

today I started thinking about the latest overseas trip...to Genting...
onli a few of us went...
to be honest, at dat time, i was still often fretting about my results...i had been fretting about it the last few months...and it was causing me to behave slightly irrationally sometimes...like getting irritable more easily...

thinking back, it was so silly...i shld hav tried to enjoy the trip even more without thinking of it...
Although I enjoyed it a lot, it could have been much better...and it was my own fault...
anyhow, after the results were released, it felt like there was a huge amount of pent up frustration which was released together with the results...

That trip was pretty good...first time overseas with some of them...but collectively, it was pretty fun...
i'm looking forward to future trips with them even after we start working!
we have been talking abt a plausible trip at the end of the year...to somewhere nearby like maybe krabi...
not sure whether dat's going to happen...but we'll try to make it happen amidst all our different and busy schedules...

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Continuing with my friends...

Meijia...she's my girlfriend...for more than a year oredi...it was by pure chance and fate dat we first met at the pub at clarke quay during Christmas Eve 2005...She accompanied Elysia there (who was invited by Junhui)...and dat was the first time we ever saw each other even though both of us were from NUS EE...
subsequently, in the ensuing semester, we happened to be in the same lab together for a project (EE2007)...and had some opportunities to chat once in awhile about our projects...
The romance factor came in for the first time sometime during May 2006...two months I was due to depart for US for a year...anyhow, to cut a long story short...we got together in earli 2007 when I was still in Philly... =)
She's a very sweet ger who deserves my love and protection...and it will stay dat way... =)

Jiarong...we got acquainted in year 1...earlier than Zhiwei and CS...he was known to me as Junhui's friend at dat time...and started sitting with us during some of the lectures...a quiet guy, he frequently gets teased by us...
but fortunately, he's very sporting and usually jabs back at whoever teases him or just laughs out loud tog...
glad that we have met too...he's one of the earlier ones in this NUS EE clique...one of the pioneers!

CS...he came along with Zhiwei...cos they were always together initially...so when Zhiwei joined us, CS joined together...the most EE-inclined guy amongst us...he was always the person to turn to for technical questions regarding tutorials or assignments...another one of the crazy guys who did the EE2001 project with us...hahaz...
i still rem both of us working on the software and hardware parts...and cursing the circuits or algorithms ever so often...the down times...when the circuits suddenly don work...and the happy times...when everything started working well...
good to see him picking himself up again...

Ting...was a very quiet ger when we first knew her...she came along with Meijia cos they have been close friends since JC although they were schoolmates in RV...in the past, it took forever prompting to get her to speak up even a few lines...but todae, she's so comfortable with us dat she doesn't mind joining the guys alone for ktv (although she was sort of lured there unknowingly, hahaz), join us for the genting trip, play badminton, mahjong, and so on...good to see dat our clique has more gers who feel comfortable with each other...hope it stays tis way...and esp if she can be paired up with any guy from our clique...hee (still quite a number of single guys in our clique...c'mon bros! wat r ur waiting for?)

okie...it's getting a little late...i still hav to iron my clothes...hahaz...
so more on my friends again the next time...

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it feels a little weird dat finally, tmr i'm going to start working full-time...the days of being a student r really over...
i've graduated and am really stepping into the world of the adult...the corporate world...

i had been thinking abit...but decided todae dat i'm not going to think or overprepare...
cos it probably wun work...
i'll just be myself and face the corporate world...

I'm just so so happy dat i've got so many close friends who r taking tis path with me...
my NUS EE clique...ur give me so much more courage! really!

I'm reali looking forward to our regular gathering sessions! =)

Hope everything at work will turn out great tmr! =)