Jinfa's Thots... From Dreams to Reality....

2011-01-31T23:57:00.002+08:00

Monday...

To be fair, there are nice people in my life.
When shit happens, I also know of people who may stick around, in theory at least.
I am also pretty sure who will definitely stick around, and who will not, in the practical sense.

Of the people in the last category, I can probably count using one hand.
There are really not that many persons whom I can 100% count on when I need to do so...

This is my first post in almost 2yrs...
Why this is so, I can't really explain...but certainly, it implies that I had become more reliant on other channels of expressing myself since the days when I felt that blogging as a means to voice my thoughts was cool...

Maybe it's high time to switch back to the blog...
At least, I will not encounter resistance so frustrating that it pisses me off...What's the worst thing that can happen as I type?
Lose internet connection? Blogger.com goes down? Laptop crashes?
Still, not quite the same order of magnitude of frustration as what a fellow human being can cause...

I have grown increasingly skeptical and cynical over the years...
Of people, of things that have happened to me, of simply, the world...
Today, the cumulative effect has resulted in me trusting no one fully except for one or two persons at best...(and that number includes myself)...

Maybe it's better to be this way?
Like with everything in life, there are always pros and cons; trade-offs almost always exist...
While this means that I may never have a moment of peace, it also means that I reduce the probability that I will be hit by that one, BIG wham type of hit that will crumble my knees to a you-will-never-be-able-to-stand-up again position...

In a way, I feel that I have been semi-forced to such a mindset now...by the chain of events that have taken place in my life the last 10years...

All the more now, I don't believe I can fully trust anyone outside of that one or two persons to stand by me in any situation...
I had been assuming, for the last few years that there will be a new candidate to join this niche category...but cracks have begun to show...and I'm less sure than I was...
Maybe the transition to the next stage will still take place...but whether the door to the niche can be opened (I don't own the keys), only time can tell...

I'd love to be that fortunate kid who has grown up to be an even more fortunate adult, who is loving, who loves the world, who is loved by everyone...but the reality is increasing divorced from this ideal...

Therefore, I better be self-reliant on most, if not all fronts...
Self-reliant on:
1. Decisions - I better be damn sure that regardless of advice i get from anyone, I consider the pros and cons and consequences myself because if my theory above is correct, no one except for that one person will stick by me...(and I have had to suffer before for making this mistake)...

2. Time - I better not assume that I'll have somebody by my side all the time or anytime...It's easier to assume that I'll have to clear the shit myself and if by any chance, someone turns up, I'll feel much better...

3. Love - I should learn to love myself more, for otherwise, I won't receive much more except from the few persons in good times and one person, during not so good times...

What does the future hold?
I don't know...and scenario planning in this instance sucks because the possibilities are infinite...
Since this theory holds, I should reduce the number of things that I have long range planning catered for...

So, what can I plan long range?
Good question...nothing???

Sighz, I'm running around in circles...I need some extremely wise and objective advice...
This is similar to my last post about fate and destiny...i end up with no answers...

Will I even continue to post blog entries in the short term (since I'm not planning long range)?
I don't even know that...maybe i will...but if I do so, it may just mean that I'm pulling myself back from the commitment that I'm afraid to be hurt by and switching to this lifeless technological machine which can suck in the thoughts that I type on my laptop...

CONfusing Post...
CONfused Thoughts...
by a CONsultant...
what a joke...

2009-01-07T22:39:00.002+08:00

Wednesday...

Some people have it so easy in life...good things are served onto a platter for them, or at the snap of their fingers...

So far, I have realized dat whatever good I have achieved, it has been so much hard work, so much more than some...of course, on the other hand, I'm lucky to have been bestowed certain strengths by my parents...

However, how many trials and tribulations does one have to undergo? What is fate, or destiny?
Why do people say they submit entirely to fate or destiny? Have they been dealt with major blow(s) before? Have they witnessed other people who have been dealt that kind of force before?
Or do they innately believe in it since young?

If fate or destiny refers to "something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot" as defined by dictionary.com, does it imply that fate arranges a series of pre-arranged milestones for everyone?
If so, who makes that arrangement?
If no one made that arrangement, is it totally random then?
If it is totally random, then it would be contradicting the definition since a random set of events cannot have been pre-arranged...

Let's set up a couple of hypotheses.

Hypothesis 1 (the traditional belief):
Fate/Destiny is "something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot" and that this 'something' had been pre-arranged by someone. That is why everyone should submit to it since it is 'unavoidable' and 'pre-arranged'.

Hypothesis 2:
Fate/Destiny is "something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot" BUT this 'something' is a random set of events. Triggers could include the direct and indirect actions of stakeholders involved in every particular event.

Well, I almost really wanted to go on and try to prove one of the hypothesis and attempt to debunk the myth but that was a foolish thought.

I'm here just to grumble and complain again.
All my hard work to gain the strong competitive advantage could be eroded easily overnight and I have not much control. Does that sound unfair?
Does dat sound like a classical scene in dramas whereby a poor farmer has worked extremely hard for a season to harvest his crop but because of a freak act of nature, his crops were all destroyed by a fire the night before harvesting?

Sometimes, I find the battles in life meaningless. This is one such moment.
All the talk about my fighting spirit.
My close bro from school always tells me that I have the 'pa buay toh' spirit, that I seem to be able to stand up stronger than before no matter how I'm hit...
People probably don't know that I've been hit many times worse before in life and so maybe, I appear to be stronger now.

But there's a limit to everyone's tolerance threshold, or the willingness-to-fight-on threshold.

I feel frustrated and it's making me tired, sapping away my fighting spirit.
WTF. Forget it...

Someone many years my senior hit the nail on the head today when she advised me on something.
She's so so right. I have been finding excuses, that's all.
The realization of that just makes me feel both disturbed and confused.
So, what do I do now?

Aren't I supposed to be good at strategic positioning? Why the confusion now?
Crap...

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day...if hope/fate/destiny can still be relied on...

tHe Awakening...

2008-12-20T00:10:00.002+08:00

Friday...

So many grouses, so many complaints...
Just in a lousy mood...

I've tried very hard...

Some things are just beyond my control...

2008-11-04T23:42:00.003+08:00

Tuesday...

this is going to be a short post to allay any concerns/worries some of my friends may have...

first of all, i'm surprised that there are still people reading my blog...i wonder how many of u out there still do but i've gotten 3 replies to my previous post...sorry to have made u all worried...
that was probably more of a burst of stress...i felt better that same night...

second, the entire project has been completed smoothly...everyone's very happy (including myself), the clients and our team...cos we delivered better and beyond the scope of what was initially decided on...
and i have been told that my ratings are all good...so dat's very good news to me...hahaz... =)

okie...more updates when i meet all my friends clique at a time...
thanks for ur concern!

Fighting Fit...
Mentally, Physically and Skilfully... =)

2008-10-26T16:02:00.002+08:00

Sunday...

not feeling exactly in the best of moods right now...
probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed...woke up feeling even more tired than before sleeping...
maybe i just woke up too many times...maybe i just had too much on my mind...

sianz...
that is the best word to describe how i feel now...ultra sianz...

have not been posting any entries for awhile...well, the fact is dat i had a couple of entries but i did not publish them...i find that i've been blogging those couple of times onli when i was feeling down...
and it's the same for tis time too...sianz...

i guess helping friends out reali does come back a full circle...
a friend reminded me awhile ago that i had told her tis before...that whenever she feels lost or have a feeling similar to that, just take a step back and look at the bigger picture...in that way, she'll be able to rediscover the right direction and path to step on...and will lose that lost feeling...
it was so easy for me to give that advice whenever that happened for her or someone else...it was almost always so obvious...do this, and you will get that...

it's definitely not that easy for oneself though...it's easier said that done...
there's tis list of sorta comflicting and intertwined feelings that i have...i don't want to mention on a blog why that is the case but it's been killing lots of my enthusiasm and motivation...and dousing my fire...
i have been able to onli meet or exceed my own expectations a few times compared to maybe in the past...and that's partly cos i have had to drag myself past these intertwined obstructing feelings to be able to do dat...
maybe in the past, it was almost always natural, innate and easy...
whenever the fire burnt, i had that extra energy and ideas...
nowadays, the fire burns less frequently and has been less energetic...

well, what comes next? i'm not sure...
I know I need to take a step back...but I'm still plagued with those intertwined feelings and they are really a major obstacle to anything i do...
somehow, i'm still surviving and doing well enough in some aspects of life that are important...but perhaps i feel unhappy cos even so, i feel that i'm not performing to my best...
and why am i not performing to my best? that's cos of the intertwined feelings and obstructions...

okie...after a long story...let's cut it short...summary in 2 lines...
i've been feeling unhappy because i feel that i could have been doing better, and the reason why i'm not doing as well i think i am capable to is because of this complex and intertwined, obstructing feelings...

there you go, the summary...

now, many people of late have been telling me that i'm setting too high expectations which are inadvertently giving myself too much pressure...i guess i realize that too...
maybe i need to attend a course on expectation moderation...
competitiveness is healthy only when it breeds positive feelings...

after saying so much, i've identified the feeling and the root causes...
how about the solution?

i guess i know it too...take a step back, think about things, and moderate my expectations...
that should do the trick...

how about the execution of the solution?
i guess i know what to do too...but there's so great resistance and inertia...brought about by the obstructions...

by now, if anyone is reading this, i do sound a little confused, don't i?

looks like i better take a break soon and seriously force myself to execute the solutions i've identified...

thanks to anyone who has listened to my grouses and those who have given me advice...
appreciate it...but it's now time for me to do it myself...maybe with some encouragement...

identify the problem, recommend the solution...
solve the problem...
sometimes, it's reali easier said than done...

how abt 'The tougher the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it?'
Jinfa, do u not have the ability to over this obstacle???

2008-07-26T12:18:00.002+08:00

Saturday...

time flies, and it has since been more than a month since I last blogged even though I had wanted to during the period...
Well, I have so much to say...about work and about friends...

I have been working for slightly past a month already...and feel so privileged to be a mangement consultant...well, people who understand wouldn't need any explanation on why so...

Anyway, work has been challenging my adaptation prowess and intellect in some ways already even though it has been only a few weeks...I have had to find my way to build up the initial foundation for myself...with help from a few superiors of course...
Learning new frameworks and methodologies is no longer new to me as I am going through that ever so often...just the past two days, I was going through Marketing and Sales Strategy training...well, i do know some of it already but nevertheless, it was a good exercise...
I've had to help with proposals; that was challenging at the start because it tested more of my hands-on and operational skills rather than content knowledge at this stage...
and time was always the most limited resource as we rushed against time to churn out that perfect looking proposal...

Well, I think i'll elaborate on work soon again but I may be going overseas soon, for my first project...
more details at a slightly later date... =)

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What I want to talk more about is with regards to friends and Commencement!

I was just looking at the commencement photos and a couple of video clips a moment before I started blogging...and I was chuckling out loud!
It was so funny, yet emotional in many other ways...

The happy expressions on our faces...the invisible sweat that we had gone through the last 4yrs to earn the right to be at the commencement ceremony in the graduation dress, the excitement and yet apprehension about the future...the 'cant bear to leave' feeling (for some of us, or maybe only myself), yet the 'want to explore the world in its entirety' feeling (again, for some of us or maybe only myself)...etc...

The complex intermix of emotions...I felt at the ceremony and now as I look back at the photos...
You might say, well, that's Jinfa for you...

Yes, it might be true...I'm such a person...maybe I think too in-depth sometimes...or oftentimes...
but it comes naturally...

Over the last 4yrs, all of us have taken different routes despite being in the same institution, same clique, same major...

Rewind two years...
I remember vividly speaking to a few friends about the input-output thingy...I'm not sure whether they still remember but let me recap...

Everyone comes into NUS as an individual entitiy (that's the input) part...wish I could draw a diagram but it's okie, try to visualize if you are reading this...
We undergo the 4 years of education and out we go into the corporate world (this is the output part)...what happens in between is a black box...What happens in this black box depends on many factors...
it can depend on:

Internal Factors
1) Self-controlled steering in the direction we aspire to head to
2) Personal networking effort to find the right people to guide us to where we want to go to
3) Putting in the necessary effort to clear the path for ourselves
4) Planning ahead and working smart to get the obstacles out of the way as much as possible

External Factors
1) Presence of opportunities
2) Luck certainly plays a part as well
3) Timing
4) Being at the right place at the right time with the right skills to grab the opportunities

well, I can go on and on, but essentially, that's the gist of what I was speaking to friends about...

Fast forwarding to today, it is interesting to see how our black boxes have worked over the years...our individual well-oiled engines and how they have carried us to our destination today and evolving into new and enhanced black boxes which will carry us into the next few years ahead...
Every few years, it is almost certain that the black box will need to be replaced or upgraded before it can carry us for a longer period of time; over a longer distance, over more testing circumstances, etc...

I am so interested to see how our black boxes will work this time round...

I am seeing things...I am envisoning...
10 years from today...Where will we be?
I am seeing that we will be holding senior management positions in engineering, in banks, in our own startups, in management consultancies, in govt sector, etc...

I remember that I used to always say this and let me repeat it...
We are going to be the future leaders of tomorrow, of Singapore and of the world...
This is the time...to start honing our skills, our knowledge, our networks, and tune our black boxes in a way it will carry us to our desired destinations and become leaders of tomorrow...

I feel so touched even as I think about the last few years and of the mental imagery of the future...
C'mon, we will do this together! =)

Strength and Motivation...

Stewards of Today,

Leaders of Tomorrow...

2008-06-15T21:58:00.002+08:00

Sunday...

it's 10pm on Sunday night now...I wanted to blog earlier today but spent more than half the day working...
tomorrow's my first day of work officially...and i have mixed feelings...which is normal...

Aniwaiz...let me continue talking about my EE friends...
bro, saw ur comment...glad we met at NUS... =)

today I started thinking about the latest overseas trip...to Genting...
onli a few of us went...
to be honest, at dat time, i was still often fretting about my results...i had been fretting about it the last few months...and it was causing me to behave slightly irrationally sometimes...like getting irritable more easily...

thinking back, it was so silly...i shld hav tried to enjoy the trip even more without thinking of it...
Although I enjoyed it a lot, it could have been much better...and it was my own fault...
anyhow, after the results were released, it felt like there was a huge amount of pent up frustration which was released together with the results...

That trip was pretty good...first time overseas with some of them...but collectively, it was pretty fun...
i'm looking forward to future trips with them even after we start working!
we have been talking abt a plausible trip at the end of the year...to somewhere nearby like maybe krabi...
not sure whether dat's going to happen...but we'll try to make it happen amidst all our different and busy schedules...

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Continuing with my friends...

Meijia...she's my girlfriend...for more than a year oredi...it was by pure chance and fate dat we first met at the pub at clarke quay during Christmas Eve 2005...She accompanied Elysia there (who was invited by Junhui)...and dat was the first time we ever saw each other even though both of us were from NUS EE...
subsequently, in the ensuing semester, we happened to be in the same lab together for a project (EE2007)...and had some opportunities to chat once in awhile about our projects...
The romance factor came in for the first time sometime during May 2006...two months I was due to depart for US for a year...anyhow, to cut a long story short...we got together in earli 2007 when I was still in Philly... =)
She's a very sweet ger who deserves my love and protection...and it will stay dat way... =)

Jiarong...we got acquainted in year 1...earlier than Zhiwei and CS...he was known to me as Junhui's friend at dat time...and started sitting with us during some of the lectures...a quiet guy, he frequently gets teased by us...
but fortunately, he's very sporting and usually jabs back at whoever teases him or just laughs out loud tog...
glad that we have met too...he's one of the earlier ones in this NUS EE clique...one of the pioneers!

CS...he came along with Zhiwei...cos they were always together initially...so when Zhiwei joined us, CS joined together...the most EE-inclined guy amongst us...he was always the person to turn to for technical questions regarding tutorials or assignments...another one of the crazy guys who did the EE2001 project with us...hahaz...
i still rem both of us working on the software and hardware parts...and cursing the circuits or algorithms ever so often...the down times...when the circuits suddenly don work...and the happy times...when everything started working well...
good to see him picking himself up again...

Ting...was a very quiet ger when we first knew her...she came along with Meijia cos they have been close friends since JC although they were schoolmates in RV...in the past, it took forever prompting to get her to speak up even a few lines...but todae, she's so comfortable with us dat she doesn't mind joining the guys alone for ktv (although she was sort of lured there unknowingly, hahaz), join us for the genting trip, play badminton, mahjong, and so on...good to see dat our clique has more gers who feel comfortable with each other...hope it stays tis way...and esp if she can be paired up with any guy from our clique...hee (still quite a number of single guys in our clique...c'mon bros! wat r ur waiting for?)

okie...it's getting a little late...i still hav to iron my clothes...hahaz...
so more on my friends again the next time...

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it feels a little weird dat finally, tmr i'm going to start working full-time...the days of being a student r really over...
i've graduated and am really stepping into the world of the adult...the corporate world...

i had been thinking abit...but decided todae dat i'm not going to think or overprepare...
cos it probably wun work...
i'll just be myself and face the corporate world...

I'm just so so happy dat i've got so many close friends who r taking tis path with me...
my NUS EE clique...ur give me so much more courage! really!

I'm reali looking forward to our regular gathering sessions! =)

Hope everything at work will turn out great tmr! =)

2008-06-14T10:47:00.003+08:00

Saturday...

it has been a week filled with emotions...mostly nostalgia...
I've been wanting to blog about it but tis has been a very busy week for me, doing some work for my company, meeting friends, playing golf, swimming, badminton, mahjong, and so on... =)

well, the main focus of tis blog post is nus friends-centric...
I'm not exactly sure where to start, but I'll start somehow anyhow and zip back and forth through time whenever necessary...

On Monday, I jioed Zhiwei and Junhui to go back to NUS with me...
Two years ago, we had once made a verbal pledge to return to NUS after we graduate to take a walk and look around the familiar premises, the various spots which r so integral parts of our fond memories in this institution...
Junhui and I arrived first...and while waiting for Zhiwei, we sat for about half an hour in LT7A...
ohh boy, did the memories ooze so fluidly from our minds...
we spoke about our first two years in NUS, where we spent a considerable amount of lecture time in this lt...we spoke about the past gossips...the exciting, juicy yet sometimes words dat were onli suitable for some ears... =p
It was nostalgia at its peak...actually, the whole dae was nostalgia at the peak...hahaz...

When Zhiwei arrived, we walked to Olive Cove together...it's a small but cosy and comfortable Thai cafe within the heart of engineering faculty where the main memories were built in the final year of our studies...
The staff there treated us to iced mocha, which is wat we usually order when we r there...and we used to go there like thrice a week or sth, so ppl there know us well... =)
As I drank the iced mocha, looked around and chatted with two of my best friends in NUS, mixed feelings overwhelmed me...
I felt happy sitting down there with the right company, sipping coffee, enjoying the relaxed ambience which we have always craved for within the faculty (which explains y we always went there for lunch or proj meetings), recollecting memories of the place, of the past year in NUS (for me, it was even more meaningful as the final year meant alot of things-explained more later), recollecting memories of our entire NUS life...and knowing that we won't be returning to this small but beautiful cafe as regularly as we did...
We eventually took a photo with the lady boss and another staff whom we fondly speak of...and then we left to explore the rest of engineering...

We walked past LT6...the benches...some of the benches where we slogged like mad doing our EE2001 in year 2...as a matter of fact, dat was my favorite semester of all 8...including those in US...
Year 2 Sem 2 was unbeatable...it qualifies as the best semester I've ever had in my NUS life...
The struggling together in that semester amongst 4 of us; Zhiwei, Junhui, Changsheng and I...as we handled normal EE student's workload and on top of dat, we stretched ourselves by doing the EE2001 project which onli year 3 students took...the struggling helped to bond us even closer...
it was dat semester when I became much closer to Zhiwei and Changsheng...it was as if we had taken a giant leap across a chasm which still existed to a certain extent even after we really got to know each other at the beginning of Year 2...
The tears, the sweat, the frowns, the grumbles, the laughter, the jokes, the corny things dat we did...
they will forever be deeply etched in my memory...
i dono, my language ability simply restricts how i can appropriately describe this feeling in words...i just can't...it's something very personal...no one perhaps, will be able to understand tis feeling other than the four of us...
Yes, it must be very personal... =)

We then walked to the labs...where Zhiwei and I spent some of our time on our FYP...we chatted with the lab officer and one of the pHd students for quite a long time...
tis place has a place in my memory too but not quite fond ones...cos the FYP experience, to be honest, has been one which I perhaps would not want, if the option is reopened to me...because of the various difficulties experienced when i returned from US...

After that, we spent some time sitting down in LT6 and LT7A again...walking into a dark and empty LT and switching on the lights felt very significant to us...
we were the onli ones in there...
in the past, during lectures...the whole places were always filled with hustle and bustle...with all the chattering going on...with the lecturer's voice...
when the few of us sat together...including others in wat i call my NUS EE clique...we were always making funny jokes and gossiping about ppl in the midst of lectures once we got tired and faded away from the lecture... =p

I miss those daes...ALOT...and knowing wat a person I am, I will always think back of those times...

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Ohh yah, let me define who I consider in the NUS EE clique...
it is hard to exactly define because some people have moved in while others hav moved out slightly...if there were inner to outer circles within tis clique, everyone will be like stars on an orbital path, moving to different orbits at different points in time...with some always at certain orbits...

Zhiwei has always been in the innermost orbit...this guy is someone I onli started to really know in Year 2...actually that was the holidays in year 1...the june holidays...Junhui and I were talking abt the CSC thingy and we managed to pull Zhiwei in too...and ever since, there has been no turning back...our friendship soared to greater heights and I find myself looking up to him as a role model in many instances...
He was the one who changed how I dressed to school...and I consider it an important transformation because he taught and showed me the importance of respect to our lecturers...and today, I apply the same principle to whoever I meet and in the days to come, my business clients...
A very intelligent guy, he's someone whom I have always held in very high regard and I'm glad he has always been around providing friendly competition, motivation, giving me sound advice and oftentimes bringing my back safely to the ground if i ever became complacent or unapproachable...thanks bro!

Junhui...hahaz...we have known each other for wat...14yrs! he has also been in the inner circle all the time...although there r certain times when we don't seem to have met as often, we always find no problem in talking, jabbing each other with silly jokes and so on...
A very intelligent guy too...he studies little but at the end of the dae, still manages to produce the necessary results...as he has justifiably proved by graduating with second upper honors...
actually, some of our team projects would have been much more boring without him...it has always been his corny jokes and sometimes out of the world actions dat make us laugh like mad...hahaz...
it's just so damn funny...and i'm glad he has always been around the last few years...an integral part of our clique...

Shux...i'm running out of time...so I will have to continue in Parts 2, 3 and maybe more in the next blog posts...
Before I end off, the other people in our clique are:
Changsheng, Jiarong, Meijia, Tingting, Kaijie, Elysia, Victor...

I will talk more about everyone else the next time! and other experiences! =)

Thanks my dear bros and friends...
I couldn't have been where I am without ur support and company all tis while...
Cheers to forever friendship! And Success! =)

2008-06-01T02:09:00.003+08:00

Saturday...

Just returned home from a gathering with a few of my NUS friends, Zhiwei, Junhui, Victor, Kaijie and Dominic...it was an all guys night out...

we spent a few hours at Brewerkz trying out a flavor of beer which most of us have not tried before called the Fruitwertz or something lydat...and then we took two cabs over to geylang to eat the famous beef hor fun...which is sth which I had never tried before oso...

it was a very fun night out...full of crappy jokes, updating each other abt our respective grad trips, about wat we have been doing the last few weeks, sharing gossips, talking about our future plans, etc...

Maybe it was the beer, but I personally think that it is because of the fact that we have moved to the next phase that has made me much more relaxed...
Basically, in our conversation, NUS is already history...
Sure, we talked about the fun times, the tough times and so on...but it is already history...

Moving on, everyone of us has our own career and life plans...
I sure would like to see all of us doing very well in all aspects...

I really enjoyed tonight tremendously...it has been a long time since i felt so relaxed and able to totally chill out...
Not sure if anyone else who reads this can understand the feeling...but it really feels like a huge stone has been released from my shoulders and I felt light...
It's not just during tonight's gathering but ever since this morning...I felt light, without a heavy burden on me...

Moving forward, there r many more things to do...
More updates later...I'm feeling pretty sleepy...it's going to be 2.30am soon...
Goodnight! =)

Great gathering guys! =)

2008-05-30T11:32:00.002+08:00

Friday...

I just returned from Genting last night after a 3days trip with my NUS friends...on the way home, something came to my mind about a phrase I knew and recently heard from a friend I met...

Choosing the right battles...

Yah, I knew it all along but had forgotten about it...perhaps it's because I'm young...I feel that I can fight every single battle that comes along and win all of them...

Well, I was wrong...I can't fight every single battle and win...
I could win many of those battles i choose to fight, but will I win the war?
Maybe not...and likely not...
Winning the battles but losing the war...dat's a huge consequence that is both unwise and foolish...
Yet I committed this mistake...this miscalculation...this over-confident yet foolish error...

It is an important lesson to learn...
I managed to do quite well from my NOC experience...and should be one of the higher achievers in my batch...I have been strong academically too; always a candidate for first class honors...
Even though most of my NOC seniors and peers return to Singapore apparently weaker academically, I nevertheless wanted and felt I could get my first class honors...
And on top of that, I pursued many other commitments in the first 6 months I returned to Singapore, with mostly career boosting commitments and also a heavier academic workload than typical electrically engineering students...

Well, not everyone can have the cake and eat it too...
I surely learnt the lesson the hard way...I had the cake...but wasn't able to finish it...

Today, I have graduated only with a second upper honors degree...
Sure, I fell sick for a couple of months earlier this year which compromised my ability to pursue the first class honors...but was that really the cause?
I should think not...

Ultimately, I have only myself to blame...
I was too greedy...I chose to fight every battle and expected to win the war too...
Even Zhuge Liang might not have tried that...cos he knew it would likely result in defeats all around...

That's why I say that this is an important lesson to learn, not just for myself but for anyone who reads this...

Nevertheless, like my gf told me just now, my mum would still be very proud of me...
I ought to be proud of myself and adjust my expectations...
cos if I don't, the perfectionist nature will kill me sooner or later...

it's time to move on...

more later...

Goodbye NUS, thanks for everything...
I appreciate it... =)

2008-05-22T10:59:00.002+08:00

Thursday...

Today is 22nd May 2008, and I'm back from Western Australia! =)

Wow, Shiqi...it's amazing...u still read my blog???
I didn't think there would be anyone else reading my blog given that I rarely update it anymore...

Anyhow, I concur with your view that generally speaking, the rougher the path, the greater the rewards or yields. Well, that is consistent with investment principles, which has always been the case of higher risk, higher rewards. In life, it's often the case of no pain, no gain. They are all the same and I agree entirely.

That is why I also agree that generally speaking, the tougher the obstacles, the more glory in overcoming them.
It's been a long time since I used this phrase. Feels good repeating it now. =)

The next thing you mentioned about was the the fact that success is really self-defined. Again, I agree. However, it is often easier said than done in reality because people tend to mind what others think to certain extents as well as the society's definition of success. Of course, there are people who claim that they do not mind all that. But how many really mean that when they say it?
Life's many experiences, both ups and downs can create new personalities in people, can create new dreams, goals and aspirations and new perspectives towards life...

Sometimes, I really wish I can take a peek into other people's lives because that would allow me a more accurate yardstick of how much I have experienced relative to them. There are numerous other kinds of benchmarks and I do know where I stand compared to most people but there are the more intangible aspects of life such as crises...
In this regard, I actually do feel that I have gone through a few crises in life already. Again, the keyword is relativity because it is easy to see that someone who has undergone greater crises will deem this as unworthy of mention.

Hope you have been fine Shiqi...let's meet up soon...I just met Isabelle the week before prior to my trip to Australia. We always mentioned you because we haven't seen you in a long time.

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The trip to Western Australia was interesting. I'm using 'Western Australia' instead of Perth because we only spent 1.5 to 2 days in Perth itself and more time north and south of the capital of WA.

Anyhow, it was interesting partly because the day before the departure and during the first 2 days of the holiday, my mum and sis were stuck in Chengdu, China. Yes, the city approximately 60miles from the epicenter of the worst earthquake in a century to hit Sichuan. I was very worried about their safety as the aftershocks continued relentlessly.

For them, it constitutes a part of their memory which they now call interesting and priceless largely because they were able to return to Singapore unscathed and safe. I was so glad when they finally touched down in Singapore safe and sound even though the earthquake struck merely 3-4hrs after they landed in Chengdu Airport. Also, they were supposed to have been up in the mountains at the time of the earthquake if not for the fact they there was a last minute arrangement to wait for another tour group to join them. This tour group was supposed to arrive later. They were eventually routed to Kunming because of the earthquake. However, thanks to them, the tour group my mum and sis were in did not depart for the mountainous region but rather, wait for them at the airport.

Anyhow, another important experience in life. We better cherish everything that we treasure and possess.

Back to Western Australia.
The pace there is excruciantingly slow and uncomfortable. The lifestyle is too laidback for my liking and comfort. Everyone knows about the infamous closing of most shops and businesses by 5pm but it felt worse when we were there than when we heard and tried to imagine it.
Everyday was very short because only a couple of activities could be completed before everyone packs up and goes home. I spoke to some natives there and it is interesting to know that some of them want a change in this regulation too.

The cost of living is extremely high. Much higher than in Singapore and sometimes more expensive than in the US too. I have been thinking about the reasons.
During the trip, I thought alot about the Australian economy too. Coupled with my own knowledge about the country's politics and economy as well as conversations with the locals, it confirmed my analysis that Australia is a hugely resource-driven economy. They are doing especially well in commodity boom times such as in the last few years, especially now.

Australia has huge reserves of resources such as iron ore, copper, titanium and much more. BHP Biliton is the world's largest mining company and it is Australian. China and many developing and developed countries which are resource hungry have been going places such as Africa, Brazil and Australia for resources. I won't go into detail about the economics of all these because it will lead to an extremely long paper. Anyhow, this has helped to prop up Australia's economy and the Australian dollar has been very strong too, helping to shield its people from inflationary pressures perhaps felt more strongly in the US.

I was just wondering again, if Australia did not have the kinds of natural resources as they do, can Western Australia afford to be so laidback? Probably not, unless they are willing to lose their economic standing in the world today.

Singapore, on the other hand, has no natural resources other than human beings and education. It has recently been ranked 2nd in the World Competitiveness Ranking by top European business schools and highlighted by Businessweek, trailing US by onli 0.7 points and is slated to become #1 next year.
Again, very amazing when one looks at Singapore's size, lack of natural resource, geographic region where almost every other country in SEA is a developing one and with many facing political problems. Also, Singapore's relative short period of independence further lends credence to the capabilities of its government and citizens.

I feel very proud to be a Singaporean.

Alright, that will be all for today. I prefer to discuss and analyze verbally and graphically rather than typing it out all alone. Hahaz...

I'm proud to be a Singaporean... =)

2008-05-08T22:03:00.002+08:00

Thursday...

It is 8th May 2008 today.
I'm filled with all sorts of thoughts...some of which are accumulated from months or even years ago; some of which are more recent ones...

I have thought of writing a short summary of my life over the last 25 years, with a focus on the last 4yrs, which have actually seen greater changes in myself...
For now, I will make do with making this post; which I feel is necessary...

I bumped into an old friend today. My primary school friend.
We have known each other since p1, when we were 7. That is about 18yrs ago. Amazing huh, am I that old already?
He was an intelligent boy. I can't remember for sure whether we were in the same class for 6yrs, but he was definitely in the same class as me in p5 and p6, which was the EM1 class. He was a pretty close friend of mine. We hung out together to play soccer before and after classes as well as tuition at Mr Gan's class (which was ultra great fun btw). The only unfortunate thing was that he once had a bout of fever when he was younger which caused some damage to this hands. Nevertheless, he was fortunate enough to have survived that.

Today, on the way home, I saw him walking in front of him. We stay quite close to each other but since primary school, we have not been in contact since as we went to different secondary schools.
I did not approach him just now although I felt like because I wasn't sure what we could have talked about. Well, that was lousy, wasn't it? And to think that I take pride in being able to network and speak with strangers eloquently.

I hope he has been fine. I miss the days when we were so carefree back in primary school, playing soccer all day long, laughing at each other and others, watching cartoons together, playing games, attending school.
I met up with another two primary classmates just about a month ago. One is in NUS now while the other will be receiving his PhD in Engineering next year from Imperial College, UK.
All achievers.

When we were kids, we wanted to grow up. Parents and adults laughed at us, telling us that we would not say that once we were grown up. I did not really buy that advice.
Now, I believe it entirely.

Life is so filled with challenges at the adult level, from studies to health to being sociable enough to career and to family, amongst many other widely-recognized achievements in life.
The path I have trodden on so far has not been a bed of roses.
As a matter of fact, it has been extremely rough at times.
Few people know it. At this age, few people would have the chance of stepping on such a path. I dealt with it. I picked myself up when I fell down. I overcame all odds. I have scaled greater heights repeatedly. I am finally closer to being able to realize my innate potential, which I have always believed to be high. I have been able to stretch myself further by extending my personal limits.

But it has not been easy doing all these. It has not.
It comes with a price. And what is the price?
Well, I fell sick. It was a warning sign that it was time to slow down a little and allow my body and health to recuperate. Having been very fit all my life, health and fitness had never been concerns. Now, it has started to be so after the warning lights flashed. I have started to pay more attention to this and make sure that I get sufficient rest.

Mental as well as physical challenges have been aplenty. Having loaded myself with responsibilities that are heavier than what one ought to carry, I felt very tired, yah, both mentally and physically. This mainly stretched for close to 2yrs. It has probably improved slightly recently.

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Arriving at the question I have been thinking alot about of late...
What do I want in life? What do I consider as success?

It is so difficult to answer the question. I'm sure many people agree.
Across hundreds to thousands of centuries, human beings probably have struggled with this question endlessly. I have seen some seniors who are greater achievers than myself stepping back and asking themselves the same question. They felt empty and were not the happiest people even though they had achieved in their careers what few others could have done in the same duration. They were the envy of strangers and pride of parents. But they were not happy enough. They felt tired too.
What's wrong?
This is something which I have started to feel, at an even earlier age than some of them. Maybe that is because of the tougher path I have had to walk all these years. Maybe I have matured earlier than most other people my age or even those slightly older than me. Maybe I am experiencing everything in life earlier than others because of my more matured and tested mentality.

Increasingly, I feel I cannot connect with some friends. Sometimes, what they say or feel are what I had felt quite some time back. I wish to participate and empathize, but sometimes, it feels tough because it doesn't feel that relevant to me anymore.

Many friends come to me for advice with regards to various areas of life. I appreciate that and see it as a form of honor. I have helped many of my friends by giving them sincere advice. It makes me happy when I see the look or sound of 'oh, why didn't I think of that' on my friends' faces or voices after I dispense with the advice. This is especially so when they see improvements as a result of my advice. I feel happy when I am able to help others.

So is this what makes me happy?
Helping others.
Maybe.

Again, this is an over-generalization. I can be helping others at countless situations. It is hard to specify.

I am going to Perth next week with my girlfriend.
I hope I will feel more enlightened, relaxed, rested, more grateful and well after this trip.

For Health and Glory!

2008-03-02T17:30:00.002+08:00

Sunday...

recent events have given me a stern wake up call to reappraise my life goals and priorities...

in recent years, i have grown to become obsessed with success in every single tangible aspect of life.
I wanted to be the best in everything; academic results, overseas achievements, extracurricular activities, breadth and depth in business exposure, sports, girlfriend, etc...

I wanted to be the best of everything and have the best of everything...
In some of this aspects, I have achieved my objectives. In fact, in most of these aspects, in relative terms as compared to my college year, I have triumphed most people.

But it came as a compromise to my exercise regime, my keep-fit goals. I used to work out very regularly but not quite so in the last few years, especially in the last 2 years. 'Busy with work' was always my reason, or rather, excuse. It was the truth though. I seemed to have neverending work. And it was almost always because of my own preference. I preferred to be busy. I wanted to squeeze as many activities and plans into a second as possible. It was tiring sometimes.

Now, that happened probably because of the direct opposite kind of lifestyle i led in my teenage and pre-teenage years. I have been near both the ends of the spectrum.

It's time to balance everything again; to do things in the principle of moderation.

Health, family, career, friends.
They are all important. I will spread my focus and energy more evenly now.

Have a good week ahead!

I have learnt...

2008-01-07T00:25:00.000+08:00

Sunday...

Just wanna try to publish a quick post before sleeping...

I have had so much fun, happiness and excitement the last two days. It all centered round the group of NOC NCBV mentors who had come to Singapore for a short business cum travel trip.

Prof Jan, Prof Babin, Joe Sun, Megan and Eric.

I will post pictures later. It has been so wonderful.

They have been great benefactors of us and to myself personally. Again, I find it immensely hard to express how I feel about them and the entire NOC NCBV experience in just a single blog post. It is perhaps something hard to imagine and comprehend unless one goes through it.

A few of us brought them around town today. We went to Little India, Bugis Junction, Waterloo Street, Chinatown, One Fullerton and finally, The Esplanade.

More details and photographs later.

I couldn't bear to let them leave for their hotel eventually (they are flying back to Philadelphia tomorrow). I gave Prof Jan, Megan and Joe Sun (who were the only ones left at 10+pm) tight hugs each. They said very kind words and I guess I will continue to miss them lots. I wonder if they had been 'Singaporeanized' or I had been 'Americanized' or perhaps a little of both and other factors; I felt very comfortable and close with them back in Philadelphia and now in Singapore. It is as if we have known each other for an even longer time.

I guess that I have to make it a point to keep in touch with all of them as one of my 2008 resolutions.
I'll gladly do so. =)

I was very happy interacting with all the NOC NCBV alumni who turned up yesterday and today. With my batch and my junior batch NCBV people, it felt even more intimate. It was in fact, very 'close'. We used to have our long chats, drinks, parties, gatherings, chill-outs, etc. at our houses in Philly or at some food joint/bar. Now, we have been having it in Singapore the last 2 days. The feeling was incredible, to say the least.
Even though we have not see none another for a few months, it felt almost exactly the same as before! We still hav a lot to talk to each other about; we didn't feel any stranger with each other at all. In fact, many of us felt even closer than before.

Wow, I'm so perked up and ZAPPED again. The energy, the enthusiasm, the potential, the ever-higher achievements and the rare calibre of such an outstanding group of people put together just makes me feel really really good all over again.

They have given me a new boost of energy; the kind I always felt when I was back in the US.

Thank you everyone. I will continue with the NCBV spirit.

I will remember all the kind, encouraging and sensible advice of everyone.

Thank you.

I will describe more in detail later. For now, I hope they will have safe flight back to Philly and I will look forward to my Vietnam trip this coming week with my bao bei, which I expect to be great too. =)

I miss my US experiences,
I miss Philly,
I miss PENN, I miss Wharton,
I miss Ludlow Angels,
I miss PayQuik,
I miss Bus 44, I miss the american airlines,
It's amazing, phenomenal, surreal.
It's the greatest thing that ever was conceived for the lucky few in NUS.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I will carry this spirit and achieve wonders in Singapore and in the world!
Trust me, I will exceed all expectations again and all the time! =)

2008-01-01T20:41:00.000+08:00

Tuesday...

Happy New Year everyone!

3 questions I should have answered earlier:

How much have I accomplished?

What have Idone well?
What could have been done better?

I eagerly look forward to 2008 and the ensuing 365 days, including today.
My fire has been constantly stoked by internal and external motivating drivers and I am like an ignited space rocket which can't wait to fly with all the energy within me.

I will answer the 3 questions later and reflect on certain other things in a later post.

Happy 2008!

New Year,
New Hopes,
New Ambitions,
New Goals

2007-12-27T00:38:00.000+08:00

Wednesday...

Merry Christmas everyone!

You have no idea how many times I had previously contemplated blogging; even logging in to blogspot, coming to this exact window before I logged out without leaving even a word.
I came close to blogging about a fortnight ago. I typed a couple of sentences and stopped.

There has been a rather wide disconnect between my last blog post and now. So much has gone through my mind. More experiences, more lessons, more knowledge, more of what I would consider value-adding stuff.

I aim not to fill in this gap and bridge the disconnect entirely but rather, provide a brief summary of whatever I can think of at this early hour of the morning.

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The last few months after I had returned from US was not the best of months I have had in NUS. It was pretty tough.

Why tough?

It was tough because while I had all the respect in the world for engineers and the engineering profession, I had not much of interest left in being an engineer or engineering student anymore. Rather, to put it more fairly and in a clearer perspective, I had not much interest to be at student anymore. I didn't and I still don't really see the need to although it is important (i certainly agree) to finish up responsibly what one has started.

It was tough because my mind had always been somewhere else; in entrepreneurship opportunities, in business ideas, in business-related thoughts and actions. I recall during one of my engineering lectures that I suddenly thought of a business idea (which till today I think is worth exploring especially after having run it through some ppl) 30mins into the 2hr lecture. As you may oredi have guessed, I got real excited, almost jumping up and down and continuously fidgeting in my seat for the rest of the 1.5hrs. Apparently, I wasn't paying attention to the lecture at all.

It was oso tough because I was way behind my peers from the perspective of engineering education as an undergraduate. Note: only in this regard. While I spent the entire year 3 in US exploring and learning about entrepreneurship at a pace of 300% of what I would have done in my usual fast paced schedule in Singapore, I was fast forgetting my engineering knowledge. While this was recoverable, it took time. And it did take awhile for me to get some of it back this semester.
In comparison, my peers had been accelerating in the engineering studies aspect in year 3. Guided by this huge disparity (solely in this regard), I took 5 technical modules + FYP. The most common workload in year 4 sem 1 was 3 modules + FYP. I was playing with fire? Probably. It made my life tough, especially when combined with the other two factors above.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I could grumble further. Hahaz, friends who know me know that I can.

To my own credit, I have achieved quite a bit since my return. Some friends might know. I have also blogged about some of them in the last few months. So I won't go through this part.

I have gained a lot of new knowledge. Talk to me about how I expect the global economy to react to a possible US economy slowdown or recession and I will have my analysis for you. Talk to me about the consequences of higher oil prices for the exporters and importers and the other indirect repercussions on economies, on developed nations, on developing countries, on individuals. The list of topics can go on endlessly. Trading, investing, monetary policies, the intricate links between all these chains.

I have been a little surprised at the pretty fast rate of learning. I guess this has been attributed to my interest in generally the business area. The converse has also been true of my slow learning speed in my engineering modules this semester. =p

I got my results this afternoon. Theoretically speaking, I think I'm still on course for a 1st class honors though it will be marginal and chances are comparably remote with perhaps a global recession due to the low probability of US's possible recession adversely sinking other markets worldwide. Given all that I had done the last few months, I think i deserve a pat on my back and that the results were much better than I had anticipated although slightly lacklustre compared to my first years in NUS.

Then again, as I was speaking to my mum just now, one gains some and loses others.
I am glad that I have gained a lot in the areas of interest and my own strengths over the last 1.5yrs.

It made me realize that I am definitely more suited to be a business major and that I will almost certainly do much better there than I even am now in engineering.
Nevertheless, I still stand by my belief that it is highly beneficial that I have an undergraduate degree (a good one at that) in engineering and in future, highly possible that I will get a MBA from one of the top business colleges in the world (Wharton would be my dream college along with HBS and University of Chicago Business School).

I will be more aggressive in the months ahead in terms of my pursuit of my passion, interests and knowledge acquisition.

I will also be more aggressive in my (secret) area of focus.

I will allocate more time for exercise and leisure to fully recharge myself before allowing myself the maximum opportunity to unleash my power in the corporate world.

I am raring to go, extremely driven and wanting to prove myself further.

Confidence, motivation, self-awareness and my drive are again back to extremely high levels.

Let's rest and fully rejuvenate during this festive season. I need the rest to regain my eagle-eyed focus to its full level.

Merry Christmas
&
A Happy New Year! =)

2007-11-18T17:09:00.001+08:00

Sunday...

today seemed to be worse, if anyone asks me...
It just feels so.

I'm alone at bk now, my usual haunt for studying during the exams period. When I was in US, i used to miss studying here during exams...i missed it alot...in fact, i often told my friends abt the memories of me studying here...

now dat i'm back here...i'm not feeling dat happy instead...but anyhow, it's not due to the fact of this venue....the venue has no bearing on whether im' happy or not....
at the very least, this venue does not...

I guess some things will never be the same again and as much as I realize and understand so, I am still trying to convince myself...Looking forward ought to be the way; I know that.

Damn. I can't believe I'm blogging and complaining abt tis crap at this time. But I've really not been very happy, especially these 2 days.

How will things turn out? I don't know. Why are certain things happening the way they are?
I need a break. Cut me some slack please. I don't know from where, I don't know how.
I just want a break.

When will it come? In what form? From who? From where?

I think, and I actually believe that I am the only person who can help myself now.

Forced to the corner, I usually retaliate in an even stronger manner. Can i do so at this juncture?

Let's see...

ArgghhHHHH!

2007-11-18T00:42:00.000+08:00

Saturday...

Again, I'm here...seeking an avenue to complain and sort of venting my frustrations in an informal way...
I'm tired of studying what I am studying...Or rather, to clarify, I'm not regretting having chosen wat I'm studying now many years ago after graduating from JC....
but rather, I think I'm way ahead of most of the other, if not the vast majority of the other undergraduates in their final years in terms of mindset, expectations, experiences and the like...

Who can really understand how I think nowadays?
Who understands my concerns? My frustrations? My complaints? My thoughts? My memories?
Those who have trodden on a similar path as I have or who are even ahead of me (definitely I'm not the best) will perhaps understand how I feel...

School life is certainly not too suitable for me anymore...I can't get a strong sense of satisfaction from what I'm doing everydae....
And I MUST complain about something here....which I CANNOT stand in Singapore...
The conservative and narrow-minded way of thinking of many Asians and Singaporeans MUST change...
And people who have studied or worked in US must certainly agree with me on this...
To date, everytime I mention that I am a student in Singapore at networking events, I will not be taken seriously...
In US, it was different. Of course, not every American listened. But many do listen to me.
In Singapore, I lose all credibility the moment people realize that I am a student.
This must change. I will seek the change. I will influence the change. It's for the betterment of Singapore's society. Having an overly conservative mindset such as this will only stifle creativity amongst the bright minds of many students, undergraduates and the like.
It will do no good for Singapore's entrepreneurship push. It discourages students to want to share. It demotivates them. It lowers their self-belief.

Look at Mark Zuckerberg. At 23 today, CEO of FaceBook, valued at US$15billion. Michael Dell, dropout at college, co-founder and CEO of Dell, second largest PC company in the world. Many others.
Singapore? Who? Hello?
I applaud the local push for entrepreneurship, but I'm sorry, let's wake up to face reality. We are light years behind US. We have many things to learn, to implement, to execute. It will take perhaps even generations for the right mindset to re-evolve. The courage to explore, to try and fail and be encouraged, to startup, to challenge traditional ways of thinking, to challenge norms, to believe that age and experiences are not best benchmarks to measure one's potential and so on.

As a start, students could and should be given more credibility. As an investor, entrepreneur or just an educated person at networking events or the like, one should undertake the responsibility to evaluate whether a student's thoughts should be worth believing. I'm not saying that every students should be believed but rather, to take the proactive step of listening first and not brush us off so hastily.

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Can I influence the change in Singapore? Can I make a difference?
I don't know and I don't care. I will do it and I already do it through my actions and speech everyday to people. I hope I will be given the opportunity to do this on a larger scale, to make my thoughts heard, to let it resonate amongst wise and sensible leaders of Singapore.

Alright, that is my grouse.
I'm also tired of studying what I'm studying. I'm cut out for business, not engineering, period.
While I have been able to obtain pretty good grades in my first 2 years prior to NOC, I guess that is just my academic ability at work. NOC allowed me to realize my REAL strengths. And it has made me realize that engineering is great and noble but just something that I should leave to those who are much more talented than me in this field.

Don't get me wrong. I respect engineers A LOT. Without them, technological advances will not be possible. I just believe that I can make a greater and better difference to society and our world by being the bridge between engineers and commercialization.

Once I get the chance, I will do all that I can do realize my vision.

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There has been more sensational happenings for me the past week.

A professor contacted me requesting me to be featured in the Undergraduate brochure for the year 2008. I agreed of course. It is my pleasure and honor to do so.

I was interviewed briefly by the Straits Times earlier this week and featured on Wednesday.

Yesterday, I had the greatest privilege to meet up with the Head of Clean Energy from EDB and his team. Wonderful people! The news that we see and hear everyday about clean energy all came from them.
He's a very nice guy. Friendly, humorous, no airs at all, intelligent and doing great for Singapore. His team comprises very nice people too. But I felt bad that they had to stay till 7+pm just so that we could all interact.
The sharing of thoughts between like-minded people really made my day.

It was certainly my honor and pleasure meeting them again.

So, a few great happenings for me again this past week. Sensational.
There's sth else which I do not want to disclose here.

Anyhow, I am not allowing anything to make me arrogant or complacent. That is the first step to failure for any aspiring entrepreneur or person seeking success in life.
I am just genuinely grateful that I have been given all these opportunities.

I will return to society, to our community by contributing to Singapore in great ways in time to come.
Despite my earlier grouse, I meant no harm. I only mean well and it is indeed necessary for our nation to be able to progress in the many years to come.

So now, anyone feels that he or she really understands how I feel?
I jumped on the space shuttle that brought me ahead of where I should be presently. I will bring anyone who is interested on board.

Singapore requires us, its human capital, its assets.

For now, it's almost time for bed for me.
I am feeling better. Guess why?

No, it's not really cos of this blog post. It was due to the Stephen Chow movie I watched on channel 8 just now. Silly me?
No, it was just memories from young as I laughed while watching it.
I laughed again. =p

Goodnight all.

The tougher the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.
A long way to success, but I will persevere!
=)

2007-11-07T23:57:00.000+08:00

Wednesday...

Hello??? Anyone out there? Any human being still reading my blog?
It's been almost a month since I last blogged. I thought it was much longer.

Anyhow, I'm not in a good mood. I guess that's one of the reasons why I'm blogging now. It's the old, nice, familiar feeling of being able to 'confide' via this blogging avenue which is one of the most reliable avenues (it only fails when the server is down, which doesn't happen often). I just finished some work, I felt like talking to her but she said she was heading to bed. Before I could say that I wanted to talk, she said she needed to wake up early to go have breakfast downstairs. I stopped short of typing out 'Can we talk?'.
Sighz, and that is why I'm here now. But it's not her fault. I am just grumbling because I feel like hearing a human voice now, the voice of someone who can soothe my nerves.

My mum is already in bed. So is my sis who might not have been the best option for this purpose anyway. My dad is reading his news and we don't usually talk about such stuff. I don't want to disturb any friend at tis time.

So, I am here.

I just realized that I have spent such a huge chunk of words just to say why I'm here. Crap.

So what has been going on? Since the last update on the exclusive IBTEC competition and the reason why I had to give it up, many other things have happened. A LOT.
Let's go to the exciting stuff first. The stuff that makes me grin.

I was awarded the NUS Student Achievement Award for the Enterprise Category. This was by nomination only.

I represented the Faculty of Engineering and NOC to join a lunch networking session with the NUS Board of Trustees, the top management of whom many are very successful.

Not sure if I mentioned this, but MOE asked me down to Ngee Ann Sec to give a speech on entrepreneurship and NE; I did eventually and it was a pretty interesting experience.

My professor nominated me for an opportunity to be interviewed by EDB to feature in one of its advertisements or interview specials as part of its publicity efforts to launch some scholarship which I won't reveal here. Only 1 or 2 students were required and I thank my prof for remembering me and assisting me in my career path.

I went for various rounds of job interviews already. Done pretty well. So far so good. Am keeping my options open. I have formed several informal groups to explore the opportunity to startup a company in the clean energy industry too. It has always been my wish to do so and this was a concrete step in picking the brains of many of those who are interested and increasing the chances of forming a great team.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seems pretty rosy, doesn't it?
Yah, certainly, and I was personally even amazed by all the achievements. It was not just my hard work over the past year but also the recognition given by many of my mentors.

George Sprenkle, my former CFO, friend and fatherly figure back in Philadelphia.
Professor Jan, my consulting professor and fatherly figure back in UPenn.
Gean, my former program director in NCBV and my good friend.
Prof Liew, my current FYP supervisor who encourages me all the time.

My mum said that they are my 'gui4 ren2'. I totally agree. Without the opportunities given by them, I would be a lesser person today in terms of my achievements and potential achievements.

I was glancing through the business plan that won awards for me this year. It looked impressive. It didn't seem that way when I was working on it. Perhaps I was looking at it everyday and way too often. But now it looks real impressive.

But that isn't the point I'm trying to make here. The point is; I felt very touched when I glanced through it. What I saw were not the words but were the memories.
I recall the arguments we had, the celebrations, the hugs, the cheers when we got through each round, the perplex moments (many of them), the frowns, the smiles, the grins, the ecstatic shouts, the endless nights I was working at 3am on the business plan after having worked in the office the full day and an evening lesson at Wharton, etc etc etc.

I am still feeling very touched. The most unique phase of my life just flashed through my mind.
I miss it sometimes, and I certainly do miss it now.
I was busy like crazy but I was happy being that busy because I loved what I was doing.

I can't say the same these days. I wanna get out of school. I want to be doing what I am best at;
Business Strategizing and Development.
Devising best strategies, executing them, achieving best results.
Developing new markets, penetrate viable ones, become the best in the world.

I love school but I do not exactly love what I am doing now. I have to and I will complete it nevertheless.

Before NOC, I wanted my First Class Honors. I was and am still on track to get it.
But it no longer is important to me now because I have much more than the benefits it can give me. Was it for the pride? Or did I used to really think that it is important? I guess it's more of the former.
I find it hard to get the motivation back to achieve this goal which I believe is not necessary anymore.

I am grumbling a lot, aren't I?

I still want to contribute to Singapore's economy in a great way, I want to be a great leader, I want to make this world a better place for everyone. I will do it and I will get there.

Trust me.
I can and will do it.

Feeling much better now...
=)

2007-10-13T08:43:00.000+08:00

Saturday...

I had to make a BIG decision yesterday and today.
It wasn't easy. I had made a decision earlier already. It's regarding the Intel-Berkeley Technology Entrepreneurship Challenge that I was invited to.

Well, IBTEC is by invitation only and so there is a certain level of prestige.
Berkeley is also paying for the airfare and hotel accommodation. So I'll be treated like a VIP.

I still feel confused even as I type now. I want to go, I really do. I turned it down initially because I simply have too many commitments. And I really feel 'squashed' to a certain extent.
In my final year, after missing out an entire year on engineering, I'm now taking 5 technical electives (gross) and doing my FYP at the same time. All highly technical, all pure engineering.
How about my engineering peers? Those that are not NOC grads?
typically, they are taking 2 to 3 graded modules and FYP. So on average, I'm taking 2 to 3 modules more than them and on top of that, I am 1 year behind almost everyone in engineering terms.

And to top it off, I have no motivation at all. I mean, the motivation is extremely strong to want to succeed. Don't get me wrong, that is stronger than ever. But, I feel like getting out into the workforce now already. I am more than ready for it. I am more ready for it than many people who are already working.

I'm not arrogant. I just feel that my competence has exceeded my original expectations of myself.
I feel trapped in the body of a student when I should be out there, achieving more.

Alright, back to the original story first.
NUS Venture Support called me yesterday morning and the nice guy over the fone tried to persuade me to go. He said that it's an extremely good opportunity. I agreed.
But I have to be responsible to my project teammates. And there are many of them because I have a lot of projects.
The fone call made me feel very confused and troubled. I went to school and looked for my professor and talked to him.

Oftentimes, I feel we are very similar. We are extremely competitive, confident and think we can achieve whatever we want as long as we want to.
He felt that I should go. I was encouraged and I smiled.
I guess that was what I was hoping to hear because I really wanted to go and his opinion gave me an affirming nod.

This morning, I changed my mind again.
The entire issue had been weighing on my mind all day yesterday and tis morning.
It affected my test performance yesterday.
It made my ger unhappy. My mum doesn't tink i should go given all the other commitments.

I am very confused but I have decided i'm not going.

Haiz....

Life is tough huh. When there are no opportunities, one sighs.
When there are TOO many opportunities, I sigh too.

I shall not let my day be affected by this decision anymore. Whatever happens, I will have no regrets because I have thought about it very carefully already.
There are sooooo many opportunities in this world. I have had several come my way. I can't grab all of them though. It is simple math.

Alright, with what I have right now, I will chiong forward again.

I feel overwhelmingly strong. I will overcome anything in my way. That has always been the way and I will ensure that it stays this way.

Jiayou Jinfa... =)

I Can do anything...
And...
I will do whatever it takes...
(",)

2007-10-07T16:26:00.000+08:00

Sunday (My Birthday!)

I was surprised there are still friends reading my blog...i thought no one would still be checking out my blog anymore...cos even the frequency at which I access my own blog is pretty low...
thanks icy and olive...

i've resolved most of the mini crises from this week oredi....except for the huge pile of work waiting to be completed and my laptop, which has crashed to such an extent that Windows can't even start already...
i'll prolly hav to bring it down to NUS for a check tmr although i reali hate lugging it arnd....and if the servicing costs and replacement costs are too high, i might as well get a new laptop...

Hmm...i was telling those frens who were concerned abt me dat on Friday and Saturday, things looked much better le....
lemme elaborate a little...and btw, i feel like bloggin now cos i was reading my engin notes and felt so so bored...

The issue with my booking of ippt has been resolved, not by the help of any of the ns clerks but by sheer luck, i was able to book some slots on Sat, yest and I cleared my ippt successfully....
the clerks were incapable with assisting me at all...and reali puts me off big time...i wonder why they are there for in the first place...if it is just to provide information instead of solving problems (dat was a minor issue dat i needed help with but they couldn't fix it)...den it is very poor customer service...or rather, prolly the processes within such a big governmental institution are too rigid...

anyhow, dat issue has been resolved and i do not want to talk abt it anymore...

I received a call from MOE on thursday, inviting me to give a speech at one of the secondary schools in a fortnight's time....
after getting more information from the lady on the phone and further info through email, i agreed to go ahead with it....i tink it's a good opportunity to make new friends and know more people and of cos, to inspire the younger generation if i can....
and i hope i can....i'll most likely be talking abt entrepreneurship in general...

on friday, i received an email from NUS telling me dat i've been selected to be a recipient of this year's NUS student achievement award in the Enterprise category...
whoa...i was pleasantly surprised and of course, exceedingly pleased!

yah...so the week ended quite well too...

but today, which is supposed to be my birthdae...i ended up having to stay home to study...
and although i stayed home, i had no motivation to study at all...progress slowed to a snail's pace..
sianz...
she isn't here either...
but at least we r meeting later...for a simple dinner, but it doesn't matter...i don need a grand dinner....

extremely busy now again....i was hoping dat life back in singapore in my final year could be much more relaxed than when i was in US, but i guess it's not the environment dat determines how busy one is as much as the individual's attitude towards commitments..
once again, i sorta am having too many commitments again...

let's see how things turn out....as much as i'd like to fly back to US for the competition, I reali am not sure whether i can commit or not...
a wonderful opportunity at my doorstep...but do i hav the time and resources for it?

let's see let's see....

on my birthday, i juz hav a simple wish...
i wan my loved ones to be happy and healthy always! =)

thanks everyone for giving me well wishes! =)
I appreciate it...

2007-10-03T22:47:00.000+08:00

Wednesday...

If i felt sianz yesterday, I am feeling extremely sianz now...

this has been a really testing week so far....and i mean REAL....
the chain of events have been testing my patience and my temper in general....

i feel very pissed off with whatever has turned out.....VERY PISSED OFF.....

u noe...
i was attempting this lab report which is due tomorrow just now in the midst of fatigue and a moody patch....
i couldn't answer the questions at all!!!
and trust me...other than the fact that i haven't touched engineering for 1 year, it is largely because the topic revolving around the question in the lab report hasn't even been taught yet....
WTF is wat i'll say....sorry for the vulgarity...i haven't used tis in a very long time but i'm reali feeling very pissed off right now....
how am i expected to do? alright, fine, i'm a proactive individual...so i go ahead and research online....but after an hour of googling around, i found nothing useful....
NVM....i went to read ahead in the future lecture notes.....And to my disappointment, there was no such 'curves' that the questions in the lab report is asking for......arrghhhHH!

Then i went online to book my ippt since my birthday is just a few days away and i need to clear it...
the website told me that there are no more available slots 1 week before and after the chosen date...which is tis friday....
more trouble...dat means i need to call cmpb tmr to try to find a solution.....as if i'm not busy and vexed enuff!

not sure if i mentioned tis yest but my laptop started to show more problems....USB ports don't work anymore...hard disk unstable...
i hav no time to bring it down to be checked and serviced....
i feel so crippled without it....haiz...

there r many decisions awaiting me....i was invited to the invitation only entrepreneurship competition called the Intel-Berkeley Technology Entrepreneurship competition....
the school hopes i can represent it and singapore...
but i'll hav to submit the business plan in 3wks time...and i was told onli last fri! and then i'll hav to fly over to San Fran in november...juz barely 2wks before my exams....

i'm supposed to organize a gathering for my noc folks....which still is undergoing discussion...

i hav my fyp report which i want to submit this friday...

i hav my part of a project to come up with....by todae? did i say todae? damn it, i was the one who set the deadline and for the first time in tis group, i haven't been able to meet it....

wat else?

I dono....i feel so alone right now...she's not around...

and to think that this is my birthday week...
i don tink i'll be happy...

my mum asked me just now how i'll be celebrating my birthday....
i told her i don need any celebration cos i don usually hav the habit of celebrating it...

if i'm being asked the same qns now, i'll juz say dat i wun feel like celebrating it at all...

i wish things will be smooth going for me....

i wish i wish...

2007-10-03T02:21:00.000+08:00

Tuesday...

it has been such a long time since i blogged on this computer that my blog address is no longer in the history of the records....

it's 2.30am now and here i am, sitting in my living room, typing on my PC and thinking of going to bed soon...
tis has not been a kind week for me...neither was the past weekend...
things have not been too smooth going...
i hav to be partly responsible for a lack of disciplined time management....

but external factors hav played a large part too...
anyhow, juz wanted to grumble dat my laptop is down at tis time when i'm ultra busy...
the usb ports just failed...hard disk too...

tink it may be time for a new laptop oredi...it's been 3yrs...
will tink abt it...

wanted to complain abt sth else too but i'm lazy to type le....lazy to update oso although there hav been many things going on...

sleepy...zzz...

2007-09-16T22:41:00.000+08:00

Sunday...

it's been a really long time since i last blogged....
alot has happened too.....obviously... =p

just felt like blogging all of a sudden....no particular reason y....
i'm not feeling down....neither am i feeling extremely happy for no reason....
i feel like myself...the familiar me.....the ultra hungry, ultra driven me....

perhaps in my previous posts a mth ago or more, i hav given the impression dat i feel burnt out after the one intensive year in US....maybe i really appeared drained and in dire need of rest....
maybe...
but right now, i feel as driven as I had always been again....

juz plugged in my external hard disk to my laptop to copy some fotos to store in the former...
saw some fotos of my EE frens and I during the time before I left for US....
saw some of my NOC fotos...
lots of memories came flooding back again....
hahaz...well, maybe i'm really growing older le....but well, lots of thots did cross my mind....especially during my absence from Singapore....i knew many thgs happened to some ppl here....
and automatically, those thots prompted me to tink abt y they happened, whether there wld have been any differences if i was present, whether who wld my gf eventually, whether who wld be my gf's bf eventually, and so on and so forth....lots of thots....

maybe dat's y i decided to blog.... =p

anyhow, recently, i have not been able to meet some frens when they tried to ask me out...
sorry...and i apologise if anyone is reading tis dat is concerned abt the above...
i guess everyone's busy and sometimes, it's hard to find a common time when everyone is free....
hav faith in me yah....i'll find dat seemingly elusive slot.... =)

in the meantime, take care everyone...
my bao bei and i r as loving as ever, if not more....

hahaz...kk....dat previous line was at the risk of being too mushy.... =p

goodnight my dear frens...

I will get wat i wAn...
=)

2007-08-29T00:16:00.000+08:00

Tuesday...

another one of those nights when I feel like blogging...
usually it's either cos i hav many thots on my mind, or when i feel unhappy, or when i feel very happy, or when i feel a little lonely...or well, maybe many other possible reasons.... =p

Tonight is a combination of a few reasons...
well, anyway....

today was sort of a 'free' day for me as I did not go to school....when the action of my final yr project heats up, I guess I will most likely have to go to school on tuesdays as well...
I called Alamo in Philaldelphia just 10mins ago....regarding a traffic fine I got in July...
The familiar american accent, the familiar american greeting style, the familiarity of the car company, the familiarity of everything american...
it made me think of some of the times I spent in US during the past one year....
Memorable....

Perhaps a coincidence, 3 of my NOC frens msged me tonight on msn...
we talked...
one of them is still in US, he's one of my closest friends when I was there....he's from my batch....we chatted a little abt relationship and about any exciting new ideas we have....
hahaz, it's so fun....we always talked about our ideas, our dreams....
I remember the last time we had a nice, long chat that lasted 2hrs+ was at White Lady along 40th and Walnut street....we had dinner there on a Saturday in June....we chatted all night...about business ideas, about entrepreneurship dreams...about relationships....and some gossips as well..
it was fun....i always enjoyed talking to him....

another fren, she's from my batch too, back in Singapore oredi...
we were talking about future job prospects as soon as we graduate if we don startup by then....it's always fun talking to her about all these stuff too cos we always talked about them when we were in Philly...
she is so much more diligent than I am when it comes to preparing resumes and attending career talks....hahaz, she zapped me juz now....and yes, i will be pulling my socks up soon...
sooner than anyone can imagine.... =p

and talking to shamantha now, she's at work...hahaz.....and msning....wah.... =p
she was telling me abt some of her stuff and her boyfriend's stuff....sweet couple....

ohh, and almost everyone asked me abt how MJ and I are doing too...
seems like dat's usually the opening greeting sentence from many of my frens.....hahaz...

Someone asked me just this afternoon whether I think of Philly anot....someone asked me on Sunday too...
I said, well, sometimes I do...
after all, i spent a year there, an intensive one year...living out there and working and studying and socializing and networking....it's much more than I dared to even imagine before i went there...
sometimes, I do want to talk to my gf, my family and my frens about my experiences...
but usually, I stop at a certain point....
some ppl get bored, some feel dat it's irrelevant, some might feel dat i'm showing off....
I wan to share...but it also depends whether there are ppl who are interested to interact too....

Whenever I speak to my NOC frens who were in philly too, we always get so excited.....i guess it's partly cos we went thru similar experiences together....
it was really not easy at times....
I mean it....it was really challenging at times....

Back in Singapore now where life is so much more comfortable and sheltered, I feel blessed of cos...
but the 'training' when I was there has indeed toughened me a lot...
Nevertheless, regardless of how challenging it could sometimes be, I still encourage every NUS student who has a chance to embark on this journey of self-discovery, of entrepreneurship explorations...of many other things...
I have not been talking about this or sharing many of my thots on my blog in recent months....

as I was just telling Sham when she asked y i'm not going to bed yet, tonight is one of those nights when I feel like blogging...
MJ is asleep already (she's tired) and well, I just feel like talking....so I guess my blog again is another good source of my 'talk'....
hahaz....

Anyhow, I'm going to be paid for working for my company here...
and guess wat...i'm getting 50% more than wat i used to get....woohoo.... =p
well, the money isn't really dat impt actually; i'd willingly do it for free for my mentor, fren, fatherly figure and CFO....
it's the excitement from the connection we are still establishing that excites me....
He gives me the forever friends feeling...hahaz....

Alright, I shall head off to bed soon....
and accompany MJ in dreamland....hahaz.....

More later...
The excitement's just begun! =p

2007-08-19T18:57:00.000+08:00

Sunday...

yesterday was NOC Homecoming for the July 06 batch...dat's me and my peers...
i met many of my frens whom i haven't seen in awhile ever since we all parted ways in Philly for different parts of US and the world....
it was a pretty nice catch up session as some of us exchanged Singapore phone numbers....instd of US ones...hahaz...
i got my 1st Runners Up trophy from my fren too, who collected it for me when I returned to US at the end of May.....overall it was not bad but i felt like, wow....it's pretty amazing...the 1 yr of many shared memories with those I had dinner with at the dining table last nite....is sort of oredi over..
we r back in Singapore, faced with new challenges...and old ones as well such as to complete our education...
Well, education hasn't reali been the topmost challenge most of the time, but i certainly do need to settle down again and get used to sch life...

Had a good talk to some frens abt possible business ventures...
well, i wun say too much yet but I will definitely be doing sth in the 1 yr to come....with who, with what plan, i'm not sure yet....but I'm sure i will surely be doing sth.... =)
my program director in the noc program was very nice....she had previously encouraged me alot during the business plan competitions and congratulated me as well thereafter..

last nite, she once again spoke to me very kindly and asked me not to hesitate to look for her for help if i need any help at all....she oso asked me not to feel pressurized; she merely wanted to offer her help and experiences but wasn't pressurizing me at all....so nice of her....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

thereafter, i went to MJ's family chalet....
it was the first time i was seeing her bro and his soon-to-be wife....
although i'm on pretty close terms with her mum and younger sis, i wasn't too familiar with her elder sis and husband yet....
so i tried to talk to them as much as i cld.....to break the ice....
i guess it'll take abit more time before we get more comfortable with one another but i guess dat's natural as well...

we had a talk earlier tis wk...a necessary and impt one i feel....
hopefully, everything can be according to wat we talked abt....then there shldn't be any major problem....
Give and take and be sensitive to each other...
i guess dat's the mantra for any relationship...

okie....i guess dat's all i hav now...waiting for my mum to buy dinner back...
still a little tired...
alot of thgs to do....

coping coping... =)

I will do it... =)

2007-08-12T23:14:00.001+08:00

Sunday...

I just returned from Batam a few hours ago....Went with MJ over the weekend...3 days 2 nights....
It was simply.....WONDERFUL.... =p

I mean, it was a simple, short and near getaway....but the company was great....We spent so much quality time together, almost 24hrs a dae....doing everythg tog and having each other by each other's side without any unwanted interruptions or phone calls....

Couples really ought to travel together....there are so many advantages....traveling by itself is already meaningful and allows one to broaden his or her own perspectives...
when a couple travels tog and explores new horizons hand in hand, the feeling is immensely different....
both learn more abt each other's habits at home and when traveling and when faced with different kinds of situations....both understand each other more through the experiences....
More importantly, both learn how to compromise at times, how to give and take so that both will be happy and feel respected....

I certainly feel dat my understanding of her has grown even more after this trip....
Feeling very very happy with everything now...

It just feels great when traveling together....
Ohh yah...another impt reason y it's so great is cos both of us got to do many things together that are the 'first times' in our life....
uhhh....don get the wrong idea....
First times included only things such as jet skiing and parasailing tog, traveling out of the country with another person of the opposite sex for the first time, eating dim sum buffet until our stomachs nearly burst....etc....
things like that...
and they leave so wonderful and sometimes, funny and even private memories....hahahaz....

the distance just gets so so much shorter after a simple getaway like this....
we are looking forward to our next trip together....
it just makes me love her even more.... =p

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Work related stuff have slowed down to a crawl...
I have not been focused on any work related stuff at all since i returned from the US....
With tomorrow coming, I will start the focus again.....the fierce and strong focus that I always had....
I have been less aggressive of late mainly because I have settled down abit more into my love life and am very happy with how things are going...
it just makes me feel dat i shldn't devote too much of myself into just work alone....

nevertheless, i will still work very hard and smart in my career....and i wan to do well like how i've always wanted to....
and I will.... =)

alright, presentation tmr morning....
gotta sleep soon...
goodnight!

Looking forward to OUR next trip! =)

2007-08-07T23:45:00.000+08:00

Tuesday...

it's been a really long time since i last blogged....i noe dat...
in fact, life back here the last 2 weeks (it's exactly 2 weeks since i returned) was mostly abt my gf, my work and getting rid of the flu, the cold and the fatigue dat i felt all dae long....

finally, i'm feeling much better todae oredi....no more blocked nose, no fever, no flu, no cold, no fatigue....
i feel so much happier....

well, alot has been going on as usual...to the extent that each of my blog posts will be not be able to do myself justice.....
esp to my thots, to wat's going on in my mind....my plans, my actions....everything...
so, i guess from now on, i might just try to drop an occasional post...and try to say as much as i can....

but then again, u never noe....
my blog always was the avenue i turned to whenever i needed an outlet to vent any frustration or to share any joy with anyone...esp when i was in the US....
who knows.....i might need tis outlet again if the one which i hope will be the main one stalls sometimes....

anyhow....
i'll be away tis weekend...from friday onwards....going to batam for a short getaway trip....
back on sunday....
looking forward to it....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

relationships can sometimes be tricky issues....
i have learnt it the hard way before at times in the past......sure, they allowed me to learn each time and mature from it....
but eventually, all i ask for is dat it allows me to be happy most of the time...
not 100% of cos...it'll be weird if dat is possible....
but closer to like 90% of the time....???
i tink dat's a reasonable proportion to ask for....

everyone has differences....
i always believe in open communication and trust....maybe i'm too strong on tis principle sometimes dat it intimidates those arnd me who r in some form of r/s with or another...
the closer the person to me, the stronger this effect he/she might feel.....
but dat is oso cos i care abt the person more....cos if i don care, i DON care....
period....

hmmm....
i'm losing direction in tis post again....
prolly cos i haven't blogged in too long a time....
alright den, i shall end here...and blog again when i feel the need to or feel like it....

hAppY 42nd bIrthdAY SINGAPORE! =)
I'm BACK! =p

2007-07-27T08:07:00.000+08:00

Friday...

hi ppl....thanks to those who msged me and have asked about how I am doing...
Right...this is the first official blog post ever since I came back...well, which wasn't too long ago...

I returned on Monday night....touched down at 11+pm....it has not really been an easy week for me since...
Lots of unpacking to do...my whole room is in a mess with all my baggage from the past 1 year...
I was suffering pretty terribly from jet lag this time, which kinda surprised me because I was pretty alright the last few times I flew across the world...
Well, I fell sick on Wednesday and as I type now, am almost fully recovered....
I had had and am still rushing my business case analysis...
Was grumbling to Xian that instead of relaxing, resting, going out to meet frens and play....i still have to rush my work...which is kinda sucky...but well, dat's life...

Alright....
It's a pretty huge transition for me....a change of living environment, a change of school environment...I no longer go to work everyday like how i used to...I'm surrounded by different ppl now...etc...
But i guess fortunately for me, I did return in May...and so this time round, it doesn't feel so surreal for me....

I have been to well, i'd say, most, if not all the major cities in US...some parts of Canada and Puerto Rico...the last 3+wks of traveling with my family covered even more cities which I hadn't been to previously...
it was fun but pretty tiring at times...

In the last 1 to 2 mths...I have mellowed...
I knew sth was missing...and I know what it is right now.....
Perhaps it was the fact dat the 1 yr journey was ending and I slumped into the relaxed mood....
Perhaps I was just too tired and burnt out after the first 11 months of non-stop chionging....
My fighting spirit and the desire to succeed had dropped somewhat...
Somehow, someone said something yesterday that acted as a stimulus to me....
I know now what's missing already...
and I'm gonna get it back...
I will need a bit of time....to resettle, to finish up my work before school starts (hopefully)...and well, to just organise my thots, organise my room...ORGANISE my LIFE.....

Sure...indeed....I do feel a little lost now....
I have no qualms in admitting that....Looking ahead in the future moving forward....
I have great ambitions but right now, I am pretty much stalled...
Like i just said, i reali need to get things moving....and by that, I'll need to organise my life....

But don't worry....I will be right back before I even know it myself....
Just received an email from my CFO who asked me if I can help to do some work for the company that i did before....I am totally fine with that...
Aniwaiz...what I wanted to say was that as I was brushing my teeth 20mins ago and thinking of posting a blog entry....i started thinking abt my CFO....
He's successful, very well-to-do and has a blissful and loving 30 year marriage...
I want to emulate and even surpass that kind of success he has had in life....
I do admire him quite a lot actually.... =p

Well, as I was planning my modules for the semester ahead....I know that life is not going to be easy in the next 1yr too....
Could it be tougher than what I have had to handle in the US myself in the past year?
I doubt so....but I am not going to underestimate anything that's upcoming...
Relationship too....I hope...yah, and I seriously hope it will turn out great and not be something that bothers me instead....So far, I'd think that it's better than the minimum i'd expect of it....so, so far so good i guess....

Nevertheless, I'd still say....bring it on....
Challenges in life are inevitable...All kinds of challenges as one grows up....
This is a new challenge for me...I do not necessary enjoy it but I will over come it/them as they come...

I haven't said this to anyone in a long time...
but it's sure time to remind myself....

The Tougher the Obstacle,
The more Glory in Overcoming it...
Bring it on...

2007-07-21T09:51:00.000+08:00

Fri...

In Orlando right now....second last day of my 23 day travel around US and Canada....

I know I haven't been in touch with many of you for almost a month...
I know I haven't blogged for almost a month...
I know I've been MIA for almost a month online/offline...

Sorry about that...
I've been so busy running from city to city and from state to state that I have had not much time to come online other than doing my own work and planning travel trips...

I will be back in Singapore on Monday night...
Catch up with everyone after that...

In the meantime, take care k... =)
I miss u all.... =)

hOLidAy OverDose... =p

2007-07-14T11:56:00.000+08:00

Haf a great Tour wif ur Family in USA...

Counting down 8 daes... =)

Luvz,
mJ

2007-06-24T12:11:00.000+08:00

Saturday...

Too many words to say...too many memories...I can't possibly talk about everything here, and at the same time, I do not want to undermine the meaning of it all by just saying a little...
So until I return to Singapore, I'll first let the pictures do the talking...

First group of photos: Dinner at my CFO's house....I'm greatly indebted to him...Dinner tonight was absolutely great....I got alot more to say...

Second group of photos; Happy Hour 4 by PayQuik, for my farewell, a few photos...On Thursday...

2007-06-23T03:13:00.000+08:00

Friday...

And he said…
‘Melvin, it’s been my pleasure’….

That was my CCO, Mke at the Happy Hour last night….
Because he had to leave for Florida for a vacation, I accompanied him and his son to the bar to start off our Happy Hour slightly earlier…
After we took some pictures, and as he stood up to get ready to leave, we exchanged a firm handshake. That was what he last said to me as he left.

Somehow, those words really got to me…

They acted as a wake up call to me. Boy, I’m really leaving this company and the US for real this time. When I returned to Singapore in May, I did not feel like this at all, and understandably so.

Mike was one of the first persons I spoke to in the office. When I stepped into the office on 13^th July 2006, or maybe 14^th, he sat me down in his office and started a conversation with me to get me ready for life in the US and at PayQuik.

In the course of this year, I have worked pretty closely with him. He has always been very kind to me and gave me opportunities to learn whenever possible. Being the Chief Compliance Officer here, he has also taught me quite a bit about the importance of compliance in this industry.

I was saddened and touched by those words…
Because it signals that it is really time for me to leave…
The ambivalence of it all…It really struck me…

Today’s Friday and the office has been uncharacteriscally quiet. Many of my colleagues are on vacation or are working from home today. I moved my table just now, switching to another desk they just bought. As I walked around the office, I started taking photographs again.

As I sat down at the desk where I was first situated for the first few months (but not occupied by someone else), I started thinking about everything that has happened here in the last 1 year….

Here as in within PayQuik, I’m not even talking about anything else yet….

I could feel my eyes getting a little wet…
No, I don’t think I am weak…
I’m simply too attached to this place already. I am here 5 days a week for a year and it’s the place I’ve spent most of my waking hours at.

As I sat at the chair, I could hear my supervisor, Joe, calling out to me to help him with some work (imagine 9 months ago). I would then shout back, ‘Yes? Coming!’….
And then I’d go into his office, which is located behind mine…and sit down to talk to him…

Some colleagues have come and gone. I still keep in touch with one of them though.
He was a HR recruiter here on contract, Matt. He sat opposite me in the first few months for about 2+ months.
We jabbed each other everyday with corny jokes and sometimes deliberately personal jokes. It was a lot of fun.
He’d make fun of my crap sandwiches.

Everyone laughed at my sandwiches. Three slices of bread everyday and in it were always full of my ‘creative’ juices. Hot dogs, cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, egg omelet and almost always with peanut butter.
Everyone laughed, and I did too. It was all out of fun and everyone was happy.

In the early days since Day 1, I was heavily involved in the company’s direct sales campaign. I dreaded some of those work because the market research part was weary. In retrospect, I have learnt a lot from it and I’m glad I had that opportunity.

I will remember the Flavia coffee machine in the office. It helped me through many tired days. The variety of coffee here is amazing. They taste really good.
My favourites are Expresso Roast, French Vanilla and Italian Roast.

I am considered one of the pioneers at this office location. When I first came here, I was the only one seated in the general area of the office. Today, it is fully occupied and I am seated in an office room with my CFO. That illustrates how fast the company has grown over this one year.

Led by a charismatic and ultra intelligent CEO, PayQuik has done exceedingly well in the past 12 months. It has grown at a rate much faster than it ever did. With operations in more than 60 countries all over the world, it is really an exciting startup environment.

At the Happy Hour last night, my CEO was telling us some of his personal stories. I listened intently and am really in awe of his determination, vision and high EQ and IQ. I want to be as successful as he is and be better if I can. In some ways, I have similar ideals and attitudes as him. I have a long way to go though before I will even be half as close as to what he has accomplished.

PayQuik has offered me a lot of invaluable learning experiences.
My colleagues think very highly of me. I will not let their hopes down. Jiayou Jinfa! =)

To a certain extent, I can’t bear to leave.

Memories…

It's been my pleasure too...

2007-06-22T13:23:00.000+08:00

Thursday...

it was perhaps the best happy hour i've ever had at PayQuik...

this happy hour was specially arranged for me....as i embark on the final week of work at PayQuik....
as i type, i am feeling the strong sense of emotions flooding my mind and heart oredi...

1 year....
What can one do in 1 year?
If one stays back in Singapore, 1 year of work in a local company might not form a significant part of one's memory...but this 1 year for me has been well, i don't even know what adjective to use to describe....

A paradigm shift I have experienced....in all aspects...
I look at issues from a more holistic perspective...I am able to make more well-informed decisions...
My confidence level, which I've alwaiz felt dat has been my strength, has soared even more than ever before...
Some tangible and some less tangible accomplishments I've achieved...
Becoming a tougher person mentally, stronger, smarter, more street-wise....I can go on and on....

but let me get back to what I wanna blog about today....
the reason why you might feel that my blog posts have been random, incoherent or even confusing is because it clearly reflects how I feel recently about the transition back to Singapore...

aniwaiz...yah....

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I had a few drinks tonight....It really helped me to feel less inhibited...and more relaxed...
Talking to my CEO and my other colleagues at PayQuik, I realize that I have come a long way with this company...fighting battles with them for 1 year oredi...

Just 2 days ago, I felt a tinge of sadness when walking around the office at 8pm....fond memories came flooding back as i stood at the different parts of the office...
I can't express aptly enough in words....at least not right now....so I am not going to do so....

They have treated me very well...
Very well indeed...
Now that I have to leave already...I really can't bear to....
I want to see it succeed even further....I hope they open a PayQuik SG office soon like what we have been talking about...

They have been supportive of my other commitments and endeavours...

My CFO drove me home again....
I chatted with him in the car also...He understands how i feel towards 'dat issue'....
Great to have mentors like him and many others around....they have trodden on paths I am walking on now...and are in suitable positions to give me advice...

Sometimes when i feel that no one understands what I am feeling....I am usually wrong...
There will almost always be someone who does...

Alright, again, another fragmented post...
I guess this is going to be the way till at least I settle down again....

I have to chiong now by firing my cylinders...I have been busy but I have been dragging my feet along as I try to wrap up my commitments...unlike previously, I was firing on all cylinders...
Aniwaiz...another busy upcoming week meeting people everyday....

I hope I won't get too emotional when I bid everyone goodbye...

I will be fine.... =)

Many many thots...

2007-06-20T12:06:00.001+08:00

Tuesday...

juz feel like blogging again...got that feeling again although this may turn out to be juz another post of random thots...

so, it's down to 7 more daes of work...
3 more daes of lessons, 8 more daes before my family arrives...

it's starting to feel a little emotional...
todae, i worked till abt 8pm with my CFO...when we left, we were the onli ones left in the company...
as i waited for him to pack his stuff, i walked arnd the entire company (not that it's that big)....and memories came into my mind at different parts of the office....
sighzz....
i guess dat's y i'm feeling a little sianz now oso....
or rather, the usual sentimental side of me is showing again le...

sighhhzzzzz...
the ambivalence of leaving somewhere that i have developed a sense of belonging somewhat for a yr for my home country is a little perplexing...
the familiar buildings, roads, faces, landmarks, etc...

i will return here again in future to visit the place...to share stories with whoever comes with me in future...

in spite of all kinds of issues or problems or not-so-nice ppl i've had to tolerate tis one year, there have been many more nice ppl who have been the guiding lamps of my life..
Prof Jan, my consulting professor has been the best mentor I've had....
George, my CFO, treats me so well that I feel pai seh sometimes...
Gean, my former program director, has always been giving me advice...
Joe, my supervisor at work, has alwaiz been looking out for me....
so many otherppl...
well, i'm reali sleepy now..shux....but i will elaborate more next time...
i shld write a story-blog abt my tales, experiences, etc from tis 1yr....

another premature end...
i'm juz too tired...
goodnight...

i cAn dO beTTeR...

2007-06-19T12:05:00.000+08:00

Monday...

So so so so so much has happened in the last 1 week...
I have been too busy and too tired to blog about them....It is a HUGE transition period for many of us NOC students who are returning....and for me as well...

For her, I have put in my 110% effort already...
I mean it, and it's not exaggerated....I believe I have done more than any of my friends who are also managing long distance relationships here....
If this is still not enough, I don't know what is...

Anyway, things have been great for me...
I graduated officially last Monday (lots of photos and happy memories) but I'm keeping this to a 1 liner...More elaboration if anyone is interested when u see me online or when I return....

Gifts from my CEO (a VISA giftcard loaded with money), a handmade and designed American themed tin with chocolates and candies in them, a treat my by CFO, a happy hour organized to bid me farewell this thursday night (my last day is next Thurs, can't believe it! ) and a dinner invitation to my CFO's house this weekend...

I feel so honored...I want to thank my CEO, CFO, CCO and my direct supervisor whom I have the highest respect for...
They have been so supportive and so willing to guide me along....without them, this one year would have been very different in a negative way....

Again, very brief...more elaboration for those who are interested...

A shopping king I have become, spent about US$400 in 2 weeks, just yesterday, I bought 15 tops and some bottoms (6 CK long sleeve shirts which are damn cool, and other brands such as Guess, Timberland, Hollister, Aeropostale)...I didn't manage to get A&F and Polo yesterday...
but never mind, more opportunities to come...

Too much to say, too little motivation to type...
I am getting more skeptical of who is interested to find out more, who my real good friends are (sometimes), and so on....

My family will always be interested to listen, and I will always be glad to share with anyone who knows the value of certain knowledge and who is interested to share too...

Time for bed...
Goodnight...
More later...

Maybe...

2007-06-11T23:35:00.000+08:00

Monday sg time 11.36pm...

Dear invited mi to post an entry in his blog... so here I m.. =)

A few more hours to his NOC graduation ceremony... a big event in his life... For the past 1 yr, guess he has learnt a lot... It isn't easy for one to live alone in a foreign country, not to mention the fact that he has to study and work at the same time... True that he may had a lot of fun travellin here n there, but thru this one yr, he had to deal wif a lot hardship oso... This graduation ceremony is not only the end of his NOC program... more importantly it is the start of his wonderful life ahead... working towards his goals and interest... Jiayou bah.. =P

Hmmm.. Juz recd his msg that his lesson had ended... So he muz be happily skipping home now... Preparing for his nite.. with his fav kenneth cole shirt n precious tie... Enjoy ur grad ceremony... n ur drinking session... Hope u haf a great nite... Hugz.. =)

2007-06-11T01:07:00.000+08:00

Sunday...

had a good time talking to my family and mj this morning...
just had a simple lunch...later going to my consulting professor's house for a small but cosy gathering by his lake house...cool!

i'm doing some planning for my family's trip here....i'm so looking forward to seeing them again...
can't wait for them to arrive here in a few wks time....
excited excited!

the time has come for me to complete tis journey here for tis 1yr...tmr's my graduation ceremony oredi....
just in dec last year, i was the emcee for my seniors' graduation...and now i'm the one graduating...hahaz....

well well, i'm reali looking forward first to my family coming here for our 3wk mega travel plan...followed by returning to Singapore where I want to settle down fast and take a break before all the hustle and bustle come...of cos, after enjoying for 3wks with my family here (where my topmost priority is to ensure that they enjoy themselves and are happy), i wanna spend as much quality time possible with mj as we can...
to sort of make up for tis 2mths that i'm back in the US....

but time flies, it has been almsot 2 wks since i returned to the US...
and in another 6wks, 1.5mths, i'll be back in Singapore oredi...
After the graduation ceremony, time will pass even faster as I have to quickly churn out my startup business case which is graded and which i hav alot of work to do for it yet....for the final entrepreneurship course here at penn, for my work (to wrap things up nicely) etc...

cant wait cant wait...it'll be so much fun bringing my parents and sis around...
showing them the wonderful sights of the North America continent....we'll be covering various parts of America and Canada too...
And there are soooooo many wonderful, breaktaking, awe-inspiring and world famous monuments, landmarks, national parks and places here!

I thought 3 weeks was alot...but apparently, it's not enuff to cover all the places which I originally wanted to...hahaz...dat was over-ambitious and will probably require sth like 2mths?
=p

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i'm truly in an ord mood oredi....everydae, i'm juz waiting for time to pass while working on my commitments a little half-heartedly... =p
reali no mood to do any more work for now...
my mind is alwaiz on my family and mj....and returning to Singapore...
basically, it's alwaiz on fun, love and more fun and love! =)

whoo....maybe it's oso a sign to tell me dat i reali need tis break....
and i reali want to complete everythg so dat during those 3wks of traveling, i can juz enjoy without having to touch any work (if possible)....

hmm, my post is a little fragmented huh....maybe i'll post another entry tonite after the gathering in the aftn...
missing everyone lots as usual...

Graduation tomorrow... =)

2007-06-07T12:32:00.000+08:00

Wednesday...

I napped for a whopping 5hrs! Can't believe it when I saw the time on my laptop...
Yah, lack of sleep can make even the nicest person grumpy...and I am human too...I need sleep too....
After coming home from work, I almost immediately juz laid down on my bed...That was slightly past 7pm...and the alarm clock, sms, calendar notes were all unable to wake me up...until my housemate opened my door and came into my room....that physical interference was wat roused me from my deep sleep....
Maybe if she hadn't come into the room, I would be able to sleep till morning, and in fact, I wouldn't mind that you know... =p

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I have a final presentation to make tomorrow morning at 830am...A final presentation to my boss, my program director and consulting professor on my experience with my company and with the NOC program overall for this one year....I have already come up with the basic slides...lemme juz go through roughly what i will be saying for each slide....cos one of tis daes in June, as I finish up the reports for NOC, i will need to go through a similar thought process too...
and I can say that even after I'm back in Singapore, and even 6 mths from now, I'd still be thinking of the entire experience, what I have learnt from it, etc etc...

This one year really has had a very deep impact on my life...
A Paradigm Shift as NOC had promised....I've experienced that....
What is a paradigm shift? It is simply a change in the way one views the same issues after having undergone some changes....
For instance, in the past, I was enthusiastic about entrepreneurship, about wanting to start my business before I graduate or after I graduate....but as much as I had confidence in my abilities and the desire was burning within me, the perspective was that it was going to be hard to realise that dream....
BUT, after this one year, I feel much more confident of actually doing it, IF i want to do it....
And that paradigm shift is brought about by being immersed in the highly pro-entrepreneurship culture here in the US, by listening and looking at the success stories of inspirational people here (a simple illustration would be the CEO of Facebook, who is only in his 20s), successes in the business plan competitions, etc....

Next, PayQuik....the high-tech startup company which I have been with, involved in its rapid growth and witnessed the expansion of its business over the last 11 months....
Arriving at PayQuik back in July 2006, I remembered the kinda lost look on my face....C'mon, u can't blame me...First time in the US, facing a long one year ahead in a totally new environment with no familiar faces or people physically around me, excited but a little nervous of what to expect...first time working in a startup environment which is so different from established companies, first time working with all americans...there are tons of more 'firsts'.....
In my first week, or rather, even first day of work, I was immediately 'thrown' into the hands of our Vice VP of Sales...and 'thrown' is perhaps one of the most suitable words to use...I was literally asked to do this and that and with tight time constraints....cos we were launching a direct sales campaign; there was a manpower shortage (a problem commonly faced in startups), and my arrival was timely, in his opinion at least...
never mind that I have never had any experience with direct sales, never mind i'm still not familiar with wat the company does, never mind that it's my first day! =p
those were wat I was told...i vividly remember...
I remember alot alot more...i remember the silent cursing after being subjected to time pressure....i remember the hrs and hrs of sifting through the data as part of market research, i remember sooooo much....
and they are all part of my fond memories and great experience now...
I moved on to other departments in the company thereafter....I will elaborate on that later....Information overload if I talk about them now....

Again, I don't feel like typing out all that I wanted to initially...there's just too much content...and I believe one will feel my excitement and all kinds of emotions more when I relate to you in person....

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I feel my EQ coming back to its original level....and that is a direct result of the 5hr nap....
Sleep is so powerful aint it? I felt so crappy this morning, but look at me now...I feel so energized!

Life is sometimes boring; other times, it is exciting...
I have been thinking about my plans for the next 1 year and laying down the options I have upon graduation....and that excites me...
But there's still a lot I have to do...

That is about work...
Ultimately, I want my social life to be as great as it has always been....
I was pondering this afternoon on what my greatest strength is....
This sort of question is always subjective...it can be perceived differently by different people, and in different contexts, my answer might differ...
It's a tough choice too...
But probably I'd say that my greatest strength, in general, is my EQ....It has served me well, better than my IQ has served me in fact....hahahaz....
Well, it is important for everyone to be balanced....and I seek balance in all that I do too....so, of cos, having high EQ alone is definitely insufficient....
Aniwaiz, back to the original topic, I want to make sure that my social life is as vibrant as always....Meeting new people, gathering with friends, sharing, listening, giving....etc....

Of course, family and r/s are even more important to me...
My family has always been there for me no matter when and what kind of situations I've had to face...
they have never left me alone before....and I am also very close to them...
In fact, they are definitely much more important to me than I am to myself...
R/S is a little trickier though...
It will be my focus, it is important to me, but cos it takes 2 hands to clap, the nature of it is definitely more complicated....I will do my utmost for it....
and learning from past experiences, I am careful not to commit the same mistakes again....
Well, it is alwaiz easier than done...but I am ready to do anything within my means to make it work out fine...
that is how important it is to me.... =)

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Actually, I think it is pretty apparent how I value my r/s with family and mj and friendships with other friends...

Despite my tight schedule everyday, I spend a considerable amount of time maintaining my networks...And I really appreciate those people who appreciate my efforts and in turn, reciprocate...
Certainly, not everyone does, but that is life...

Alright, more of my thots and philosophies another day....
Moving on to other work now...

Nitez all...
7th June...exactly 11mths of my arrival in the US....

Thots, Feelings, Experiences...
Tons of them...

2007-06-06T23:11:00.001+08:00

Wednesday...

in class now...
feeling reali sleepy and tired and void of any brain thinking capability...

at times lytis, i'm at my most vulnerable...
frail in terms of mental defence...i juz get irritated more easily, get offended more easily, get jealous more easily, want to get into arguments more easily, and alot more....

okie..not a good time to appear online at tis kind of time..
maybe in future, i shld make sure i disappear from public view at times lytis...
okie...maybe i shldn't blog oso...

right, maybe i shld juz go get a life....and get more sleep....
darnz...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

2007-06-05T14:59:00.000+08:00

Monday...

another day has passed....pretty fast huh...
it's 3am now and i shld have been in bed a long time ago...
yah, i was kinda sleepy at 11+ oredi....but i didn't wan to sleep yet....
bad boi u tink?

I had had to muster up as much EQ I had in me to deal with the situation....wasn't easy but I remembered past lessons....I didn't want to repeat the same mistakes....
Was the amount of EQ applied enough?
I'm not sure, but I can instead say that I have handled it much better than in the past...

almost time for bed...
Goodnight all..

A day nearer to my return to Singapore...

2007-06-03T13:40:00.000+08:00

Saturday...

the bbq gathering tonite was very fun as usual...
i realize that i alwaiz hav alot of fun at bbq gatherings although sometimes i feel sianz to go....and like todae, towards the meeting time, i felt a little tired and was kinda dragging myself out...
but as usual, the huge crowd of more than 20 people....really made my evening...
i had a great time catching up with my juniors as well as my batch ppl....

now that i'll be leaving in under 2mths, and in fact, under 1mth for the official program (work and school here), i'm feeling a little of the feelings and emotions i noe i'll start to feel as the end of the month nears...
so, it was great talking to both my juniors and batch peers....hahz...they can more or less understand how i feel cos after all, we are all sort of like in the same boat....

anyhow, i'm feeling more organized after starting to study for the entrepreneurship course i'm taking this summer semester....there's sooooooooooo much work to be done....crazy....
but okie lah, last lap oredi...my third sem here....tis is sort of like special sem in NUS....
aniwaiz....yah, it's a good learning experience....

kk, i'm losing my train of thot again...partly cos i'm chatting on msn oso...
more later....

Fun BBQ! =)

2007-06-03T04:07:00.000+08:00

Saturday...

it's the first weekend afternoon here since I returned from Singapore for the 2 weeks business trip...
I'm feeling so so lazy after sleeping onli at 4+am last night....
was talking happily on the phone...

I think i'm going to catch another short nap later before going out for the bbq tonight with my friends...
Since I've been back in the States, I've had some sort of gathering almost every night, and next week, there will be more gatherings too....
This lazy lifestyle kinda suits me a little, especially after I've been chionging for an extended period without much rest...I need to get more rest to get rid of the eyebags which are a result of the relentless battling over the last 11 months...
I haven't feel so at peace and at ease in a long time already...there are things which I need to do...but at least right now, i'm not feeling the kind of self-exerted pressure to perform and to execute immediately...
I'm happily reading blogs, surfing the net, talking to people, messaging....etc....I'm juz resting....

it feels real good...

thanks to everyone again who has expressed concern over my sorta outrage a few days back...i'm feeling perfectly fine now and other than the ultra hot weather over here and the greenhouse effect i'm experiencing in my house (arghhhh), everything's going really well...
I have effectively slowed the pace of my lifestyle here....
For the first time in a long long time, I am really resting....at least for today....
Come tonight and tomorrow, I gotta start working on school work, I am supposed to do some office work this weekend too, and of cos, my NOC obligations as well as FYP preparations...
As you can see, I cannot just let go of all my commitments even though I'd love to...or maybe not... =p

I have been sort of like a mentor or advisor to many of my friends...even those here in the US...dispensing sensible advice, guiding people, sharing my thots and experiences...
I am glad that people kinda look up to me, respect me and trust me enough to come to me for advice and help...
It makes me feel honoured, and I don't mind helping them cos they are my friends....
Coming back to this topic, I have alwaiz be more than willing to help my friends....BUT, some ppl just don't seem to understand or appreciate my actions...
For those who don't, I'm disappointed....

Nevertheless, it is not going to change the way I treat my friends....
If the need arises, I will still be willing to go the extra mile for them...

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I realize that I am having higher and higher expectations of myself...
Fair, I'd think...

And the level of self-belief, confidence and the 'can-do-it' attitude has never been as strong as it is now....In fact, it is exploding....
This one year of experiences has increased my ability to execute substantially....I have alwaiz been a visionary (at least, I'd like to think so), but this one year has been very instrumental, very important because with what I have envisioned, I have been able to execute most of it....
And execution is often another key to success.... =)

The tougher the obstacles, the more glory in overcoming them...

I have circumvented many problems and overcome them pretty much on my own during this 1 year...When the going gets tough, I was here alone to battle the difficulties....
Help and support provided by family and friends back in Singapore have alwaiz been my fuel, the food that gives me energy to fight....Without that, any tactics or strategies that I formulate will not been able to be implemented..

Tougher, smarter and more durable...
Perhaps I wanna use those adjectives to describe myself now....

I have not praised myself in a long time... =p
Lemme indulge in some self-appraisal.....hahaz....and I think I do deserve it....cos as long as I do not become complacent and arrogant, I will continue to climb higher and attain new levels of intellect and success....

And by success....the most important aspects will be:
Family, Relationship, Career, Financial stability and Social life....

I think I am in the safe zone with regards to being successful in the abovementioned aspects...There is of course more room for improvement, but right now, I think I am good....

Jiayou Jinfa!

The tougher the obstacles,
the more glory in overcoming them!

2007-06-01T12:20:00.000+08:00

Thursday...

thanks Xian!
don worry, i'll alwaiz be the happy and cheery huat i've alwaiz been! =)
and yah...cheers to WiseUtd! it's been abt 11 yrs since we first started playing soccer tog...and many of our friendships within the team have gone a long way more....cemented themselves tog all tis yrs...

Returning to the office after 2 weeks felt a little weird at the beginning...but i was pretty well-received...hee...
They are organising a happy hour gathering for me later this month...sort of like a farewell party....kinda touched... =p

it's the weekend soon...i'm juz counting down the number of daes left before going back to Singapore...
actually, i shld reali countdown to the dae when my family will be here....time will fly faster den....
yea...i will prolly start missing tis place once the countdown goes to a smaller number...
but den again, i hav far more impt and bigger thgs waiting for me in Singapore....
so, it's goodbye to the US until yrs later... =p

still feeling jet laggy....will try to get a good rest tonite...
once again, thks to my fam, mj, xian, chuan and jm for listening... =)

Weekend's here!

2007-05-31T19:44:00.001+08:00

Thursday...

was feeling absolutely screwed up yesterday...
grumbled to my family, den grumbled to mj...

after the chats last nite (chatted with mj from 12+ till 5.30am =p), i'm feeling so much better....
the Top 4 have helped ease my transition from Singapore back to Philly....
and boy, they have done a really good job....

but, feeling much better todae....
feeling happier...

11 daes to my graduation ceremony...
28 daes to my last dae of work...
29 daes before my the top 3 (my family) arrives in the US...
52 daes before i'll be reunited with mj (lao 4)...

glad to be able to make it to top 7.... =p it's the highest ranking anyone outside lao 4's family can ever reach...
and i'm there.... =)

sweet sweet....
honeymoon period...but sweeter than never before experienced....

going to work soon... =)

52 daes to countdown...
Eternal love and happiness... =p

2007-05-31T02:55:00.000+08:00

Wednesday...

2 posts in 2 weeks when I was back in Singapore...and now, within a short span of just a few days, I've already chalked up numerous posts....
This statistic alone is enough to spot the differences in my feelings over the last few weeks....

I just have a question here....which at this point...right now, right here...i do not have the answer to...
Having accomplished quite a number of accomplishments here, learning so much, gaining new perspectives, expanded my networks significantly, getting into the top 25 of the business plan competition organized by the top business school in the world, and getting 2nd in Singapore's national business plan competition....
I have lost other things in my life in this 1 year too....
The question is....
Is it all worth it? I wonder...

All of these has been much harder and tougher for me to bear than I had anticipated....or maybe I'm just not as adaptable and as strong as I had thought myself out to be.....I dono....U judge...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I would say that the past few weeks and 1-2 months have been periods of pretty extreme change...haiz...and change isn't something which I'm most comfortable with...
I remember I was counting down to the number of days left before I would return to Singapore...the first time I actually started counting down...there were about 50+ daes left...
As I counted down to a single digit number, my expectations, thots, feelings about everything here in the US, on the NOC program and about everything back in Singapore had to be adjusted...
I had to think of how people might have changed, how they might perceived me as having changed and an entirely different environment in Singapore vs. the US....

When i eventually landed in Singapore...I had to adjust to the different environment almost immediately...it was made much easier with my family around....i felt very comfortable....
the first dae traveling on the Mrt felt very surreal...it just seemed weird...i was too used to seeing americans and african americans around me....their accents....and it just felt a little weird on the Mrt and on the streets and at Northpoint....
Still, I adjusted back to that pretty soon...cos after all, Singapore's my homeland and I have stayed there for over 20 years....
On my second day back in Singapore...meetings had started and I was running around involved in my meetings already....that was an important day as I met mj for the first time face to face with a different status....tis time, as her bf instead of just a friend...
That, again was another huge change in my life...and I had had to make sure that there would be no awkward moments, cos considering that the way we got together was abit unique...i had to be meticulous to make sure the first meeting after so long worked out perfectly well...
That night, everything worked out pretty well....and i was happy...

following that, the other daes were almost all about meetings and more meetings...running bet my fren's house in sembawang and nus everydae for the various meetings that were held at tis 2 venues....
shutting arnd and then meeting either frens or mj in the evenings were wat i was busy with all the time...
it was tiring, but i wasn't complaining....everythg happened for a reason...and those were things I was prepared for....

my first major frens gathering was with my ee clique...
i was a little disappointed though...
thgs didn't turn out the way i thot they would be....i had expected earlier that there might be some differences in our mindsets oredi...but but....that night, i was just not too happy....

moving on, there was another ktv gathering dat weekend....
tis time round, it was better...i enjoyed myself more....but overall, i felt some sort of disconnect again....i can't and don wan to elaborate here...but the disconnect was very obvious, at least it was very obvious to me....
Overall, i was still a little disappointed....

Meanwhile, things between me and my family were very very good....I was really grateful for their presence....

thgs between me and mj improved tenfold between the first few daes in the first week and to the subsequent daes....i'd say dat for 80% of the time at least, i was reali reali happy...
we just needed dat bit of tweaking in the first few daes...
and indeed, even i am a little surprised at the pace at which we've developed....
but, tis is something which i'm reali happy abt....

in the meantime, the results were announced after the semi final presentation...i had gotten into the finals....from 234 teams to top 6, i was both happy and sianz at the same time....
i felt reali worn out by tis time oredi....and well, let's juz say dat, because of the pride, i was slightly happier to have gotten into the finals....

And so, the second week was flooded with meetings again....
Had a major gathering with my WiseUtd bros....maybe it was too long since we last met.....we took a short while to warm up....
i didn't reali feel a real disconnect here....maybe a slight bit....but it was still a good gathering....i realized dat these r my bros for more than a decade oredi....
perhaps dat's y it was much better....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 2 weeks were fabulous....
but i still am unable to answer my own question....

this emotional turmoil is totally unnecessary and uncalled for...
i'm struggling....feeling the water getting into my lungs....it feels terrible....i can't get to the surface....
I noe i'm heaping lotz of pressure on myself again as i begin to tink abt things....
dat's the problem of being alone here....i don get the support i get when I'm in Singapore...

I'm so glad there's someone with me now.....
thanks Junming....u prolly wun be reading tis long post....
but I am thankful dat u r here with me now....
thanks for the reminders...

maybe i reali shouldn't be thinking back on my actions, my past decisions since they have all been executed...
i hav made a number of key decisions in the past few years dat i believe have been instrumental in shaping my future, in shaping my thots...in shaping my principles in becoming a person...

I have been told that I speak quite differently from in the past....Actually I know that too....it's sort of different, maybe a different level now....but maybe dat's the cause of the disconnect too...
Many ppl see me differently now oso....I hope it's in the good way....
Well, I do not want to comment on myself....I have heard some consistent comments about me....but no, I am not going to elaborate on them here....but they are still pretty good stuff....so at least i noe i haven't turned bad...
BUT, the only thing I can promise my family, to myself and to my frens is this....
No matter how successful I become, I am still the Jinfa you know....I will never become proud nor complacent...

I almost feel like giving Junming a hug right now....hahz...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have many many questions in my head....I need answers......
Should I continue to chiong for my career like what I have done? What is the limit?
When should I rest? When should I know that enough is enough?
How better can I improve on in my ways of doing things?
What is the balance between family, gf, frens and work?

I spoke to my consulting professor briefly about the tumultuous changes i've had to face going to and from singapore and all dat....
he shared the same sentiments....cos he isn't american too....

i have more and more and more questions....
who can answer them?
Am i supposed to find the answers myself?
I know I might be thinkin too much again.....

but well...
let me be....

Answers....
I need answers to my questions....

2007-05-29T23:10:00.001+08:00

Tuesday...

it's tuesday morning where I am now....after the post in Bangkok, I am again stuck waiting for transport here in New York, at the John F. Kennedy Airport...just that, this time, I am waiting for the limousine instead of an aircraft...

The surreal feeling which I had earlier described is sort of back again....
I'm back in the US, the 2 weeks have passed by so soon....

Somehow, I feel tougher when I'm over here....Lemme explain lest someone starts to misunderstand what I actually mean....
Over here, I've got to fend for myself with regards to ALL kinds of matters...from simpler matters like household chores to more complicated ones like office or project work...Back in Singapore, I feel so protected...even though I've got to stand up for myself, more often than not, there are already existing barriers to protect me; all these are almost non-existent here....
Which is partly why I am much naturally adopting a tougher stance and attitude here....
Also, the fighting instinct in me is naturally raised because due to some reasons, I am somehow more aware that my ownership of everything back in Singapore might be compromised just because I'm not physically back there...things such as relationships, friendships, etc....
As such, I constantly seek to improve myself here on all levels and to accomplish as much as I can...and more often than not, I slip into overdrive mode for endless periods of time until I get so tired I just have to take a break....

Good....and no good....
I will take note of that....I will be kinder to myself....

7 weeks before I return to Singapore...
my biggest concern is mj...although everything seems alright, I still feel real bad that I have to put her through this...
my family is very understanding....they do not mind that I've spent more time with mj than them sometimes...cos they know what is important to me and what I have to do to make sure everything's alright...
they will be here in 4 weeks....to travel together as a family...I will make sure that they enjoy every bit of their time here....I feel so fortunate to have them in my life....

Right, back to the 7 weeks issue...
I remember that i was so sure, so determined about the resolution i set for myself before i came to the US last year....I didn't want to get into any relationship in this one year because I didn't want to make any girl wait....
She has told me that waiting is terrible...and I know it too...
I certainly am glad that we have been together since earli March....but at the same time, there is the ambivalence which exists in me....I feel really bad that she has to go through this with me....haiz...
7 weeks, to many is not too long....To me, I think it will pass by very quickly...but i am worried that she might get weary after awhile....and it won't be good for her....
because as it is presently, she is already losing sleep because I've just flown back here...
Having said that, her mental strength so far and attitude towards this entire issue has impressed me and surpassed my expectations...
Perhaps I am the one who is worrying too much....

To be honest, it is not all too easy for me either...
I remember during the family dinner last saturday, her mum said that I'd be the one who will be feeling worse cos I will be alone in the US....
and although I did not say anything to that, I felt happy that she understood wat I was going through and what i'll have to go through....
Sometimes, people think that I enjoy myself here alwaiz....and all the time cos of my opportunities to travel....and to stay in the United States...
what they don't see are the uglier scenes...the struggles, the tiring and endless amount of work, the politics, etc etc....they onli see the good scenes and think that I am here to enjoy myself...
WRONG.....
being here alone sometimes is really difficult...
no one whom i trust 101% to talk everything to....no one whom i can totally rely on except for myself...
no one to complain and grumble to....no one to lean against when i feel reali down, reali tired and juz need a pillar....
Yes, with the internet, i can easily contact my family and anyone back in Singapore...
but the 12 hrs difference makes the entire experience totally different....haiz...
Like now, I am missing her alot....I still have lotz of other thgs to handle here....so, actually, it's not really a piece of cake for me too...

Xiaotian was asking me the other day how I can seem to manage all my commitments and yet maintain my networks back in Singapore so well...
Well, XT, more often than now, ppl don get to see the tough side of the life I have to cope with here....
I'm not saying that it is so bad dat it's intolerable...i'm juz saying that it's not as easy as many ppl might think it is...

alright, i'm not sure y i'm kinda grumpy now...
prolly cos i'm starting to feel sleepy...darn the jet lag....and oso cos i noe i'll hav to wrap things up nicely in tis final mth...and there is actually quite a lot to handle...

okie nvm....forget abt tis post...i'm losing my concentration oredi....

i juz wan my family to be happy...for mj to be happy...for myself to be happy....
and for my dear frens to be happy...

Let's all be Happy toG...
I will jiayou...
fret not...

2007-05-28T21:07:00.000+08:00

Monday…

Sitting alone in Whittard of Chelsea coffee bar in the Suvarnabhumi Airport in Bangkok, sipping a refreshingly cold cup of Summer Strawberry drink, and listening to love songs…there are tons of thoughts again that are flooding my mind…

I don’t feel like a student anymore…It’s weird…Throughout the course of the last 11 months, I have been flying so much, across the Atlantic to and fro twice, transiting at Japan, Detroit, now Bangkok and within the United States, so many times that I have sort of lost count…Sitting here now and typing on my laptop alone while trying to ease through a 7hr transit period, I feel more like a business traveler instead…

It kinda feels surreal right now…The past 2 weeks have been absolutely wonderful, having been able to reunite with my beloved family again…and with mj…

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, happy times always seem to pass by so fast….Here I am, 2 weeks later, mission accomplished (w
ith regards to the business plan competition, which I will announce the results when I arrive back in the US), main objectives met (spending quality time with my family and mj), business goals achieved (business matching meetings with German solar company delegates and talks with my friend about his business idea partially completed), social life goals partially met (gathering with 2 main cliques, my WiseUtd bros and EE bros and sis =p, and also to speak with several friends)….

In all, these 2 weeks have been really hectic in terms of my schedule…I have had at least a meeting everyday….on the busiest day, I think I had 4-5 meetings at various venues…I’m glad I somehow, by divine intervention, managed to achieve the most important objectives I have set for myself for this trip back…

In retrospect, I really wish I could have more time with my family and mj…I am greedy in this aspect….but I am really looking forward to seeing all of them again in 4 and 7 weeks respectively…

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, life is indeed strange…When I left the US 2 weeks ago, I felt a tinge of sadness…a slight tinge…and nothing more…Now, I didn’t even feel like going back again, largely due to the happy 2 weeks over here…

This one year is just phenomenal…I wonder if my family and friends will be able to understand how I feel or what I have had to go through….as well as the kinds of experiences I have undergone…Cos I might even take some time to walk down memory lane and rethink about all the different experiences…

At the very least, I certainly think I have not wasted this one year…In fact, I personally feel that I have accomplished quite a bit….Pardon me if I am saying all this in an unabashed fashion…but I think I do want to give myself due credit for my hard work and diligent work ethics….Allow me to self-indulge in a brief few mins of ego stroking… =p

Right, I do feel that I certainly have done enough and accomplished enough to make my family, mj and friends proud of me…

However, I do not at all feel that I am successful yet…Well, the definition of successful can be pretty subjective, but I would like to think that I am on course to eventual success; however, I do have a lot more to do to reach there….

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Career is at best ranked third in my life’s priority…

Number one will always be my family, and now, mj as well…

Number two will be myself…

Number three is kinda close I guess….I want to strike a balance between friends and career…both are important to me….so probably, they are equally ranked… =p

A lot of my friends might think that career is the most important to me judging by the way I work…but that is not at all true…

the main driving forces behind this is cos of my top 2 priorities, especially for my family and gf….I wanna be able to take good care of them all…now and in future…

Having said that, I hope I can achieve success myself in my career and human principles…I have always loved volunteering and helping those who deserve to be helped…So, I will try to go back to do some voluntary work from next semester onwards…

On the other hand, I really do want to see my friends succeed too…

Seeing them succeed and achieve some kind of successes really puts a smile on my face, and in fact, further motivates me….

Alone, there is a threshold of how successful we, as an individual can become….United, we will be a force to be reckoned with….

and it is the latter which I am more in awe of…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My vision is that of my close friends and I sitting at some luxurious, upmarket, high-class bar in one of the most beautiful places in the world (maybe Europe), sipping coffee or some drinks…enjoying the rewards of our hard work and our successes, with our spouses…so nice….hahaz…

I believe that can happen…. =)

Back to the belief that the tougher the obstacles, the more glory in overcoming them…I seriously think that is true…

However, I have promised my family and mj that I will cut myself some slack in this final month of this one year journey….

Actually, I do still have a lot to do…but at the very least, I won’t add on any more workload other than my present commitments….

which are my business case, my academic work, my office work, my fyp business research stuff (which by the way is going at a pace much faster and smoother than I had expected especially with regards to the contacts I have attracted; quite a number of people have contacted me on their own accord expressing their interests in some kind of discussion, brainstorming and collaboration)….

My other free time will be spent on planning the itinerary for my family trip…and also to spend more time talking to them and mj during this final one month…

Of course, friends have always be in my plan…and I want to spend more time talking to my closer friends too…

I was glad that on this trip back, I was able to meet up with a few close friends, listen to them, sharing each of our stories and thoughts, and I think I was able to dispense with some sensible advice….hope they had helped… =p

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One of the things I have been happiest about is the fact that my mum really likes mj and that her family likes me too….

And of cos…we feel so much for each other in all aspects…

Well, I have been really really happy with her…So far, she has seemed to be able to fill up any voids that were in my life…

Let me give a clearer elaboration…let’s see….I shall give some illustrations…

She really makes me feel so appreciated…

I believe I take real good care of her…but she does the same for me too…and that kind of feeling feels so so great because what I do is being appreciated and reciprocated…Most importantly, I can see that she had been really happy when I pamper her…and shower her with love… =p

Alright, lemme go to the details…

She gives me early morning calls even when I’m waking up earlier than her…When she hears that I might have a slight cough, she buys herbal tea for me…when in fact, I did not even realize myself that I was coughing…

I made a casual remark about wanting to go eat sushi sometime soon…and she made it for me to eat….I was really touched when I got that box of sushi…it was incredible…I think my heart just melted…

Even though this is still in the honeymoon stage, I really do think that it is still pretty incredible…I am pretty amazed….

Everything’s going really well on top of what I had just said….and I seriously hope it will stay this way…

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another about 5hrs to my flight…I am going to pay up at the counter to get the login information…not too cheap….but well, I have to get online…. =p

And again, I get the feeling that I have missed out on some things which I wanna talk about….but well, I guess I just have too much to say…

I reali do want to get online now already… =p

miss ya all…

will be back in Singapore in 7wks!

2007-05-28T02:37:00.000+08:00

Sunday...

lotz to say tonite...before i sleep...and before i fly back to the US tomorrow afternoon...
i knew i'd hav to blog tonite before sleeping....there's so much i wanna talk abt...let's see how much i can cover before my hair dries and i go to bed...

firstly, i wanna thank everyone for ur support all this while...throughout the past 10+ mths and during the last 2 weeks....especially my family...who has alwaiz been there for me behind the scenes and in front of me....all the time...i will be nowhere near where i am todae without them for sure...
oso to mj, who has been such a strong source of motivation for me all the time....
and to my frens...my many other dear frens...

so many things have happened in this one year....most of my frens hav matured somewhat or improved in different ways to different extents....
i rem vividly that i told several of them before i left that when i return in a yr's time, i hope to hear stories of accomplishments from them...and that i hope i'd hav achievements to share with them as well....
from wat i see, many of them have done so successfully and i am indeed happy for them....
as for myself, i tink i've gained quite a bit....hmmm, but perhaps i shld leave the elaboration of this to another post...after all, once i'm back in the US, i tink i'll start to blog abit more often oredi...

yah...and as i was saying...i've got frens who have matured in their thinking....in starting to tink abt their futures....some frens got attached...some hav shown improvements in their results....some have done internships and got new experiences....etc...the list goes on and on....
which is reali very gd....i'm alwaiz happy when i hear abt these stories....truly happy....
cos as i alwaiz say, i do not want to cross the finishing line alone....i wan them to cross it with me....

these 2 weeks have been reali hectic....and in fact, the last 10+mths have been pretty hectic too....
i've oredi promised my family and mj dat on tis trip back, i'll allow myself much more time to rest and relax, and even though i still hav several commitments, it will be much better since the business plan competition thing has come to a closure....well, i'll officially announce the results by the time i return to the US.... =)
aniwaiz....i've got a modification of focuses somewhat oso....i wanna shift a significant proportion of time i used to spend on work to my family and mj....i've oredi told them dat and i will be making sure that it happens....
frens alwaiz tell me dat i'm too harsh to myself....and remind me to take better care of myself and give myself a break more often...i totally agree with dat and appreciate the advice....tis time round, i'm goin to make sure it happens...

tis 2wks have been a time of change for me too....
i've had to get over the jet lag...i've had to get used to a new environment which i was used to for the last 10+mths....i've had to meet everyone back in singapore and with each person, so many changes had taken place...i've had to meet new ppl as well....etc etc....and now i'm going back to the US again...i've got to get used to some of tis changes again....
another 7wks....i can't wait to return to Singapore again...
which brings me to the pt abt mj....

well, i guess i shld be more upfront abt our status oredi since most ppl oso know abt it....
she's a reali sweet and considerate gf....
we've been tog for abt 3mths....but onli tog face to face for the last 2 weeks....but i've been very happy...
i don wan to go into the details in my public blog post....but she's juz wonderful....
we've progressed even more in tis last 2 wks and everythg looks great.....hahaz....juz great....and again, nah, dat's not sth for tis blog post...

okie...so eventually, i didn't manage to say too much....my brain is too tired now, my thots too scattered...
nxt post den....from the US...
right now, i'm going to bed...and....
thks for everythg again everyone...

back soon!

My BBJJ... =)

2007-05-22T23:42:00.001+08:00

Tuesday...

it's been a week since I've been back...
time reali flies...
i'm going back soon......but i don feel like....my heart is here oredi...
with my family...with her.....with my comfortable house, bed...
it's so nice to be back in one's comfort zone after learning the survival skills in a rough terrain for abt a year....

i'm so grateful to my dad, my mum and my sis for everythg they've done for me...
seemingly less-impt thgs like getting and changing the flight dates, getting tidbits/breakfast for me, making sure my room is neat and tidy before i return, waiting up for me when i return home late at nite, juz being arnd for me all dae long, calling me to ask me wat time i need to wake up the nxt morning for my meetings so dat they can make sure dat i'm up by dat time, listening to my grumbling in the wee hrs of the morning so dat i can sleep better and much more....
i wldn't be anything without them....
which is y they r my strongest motivation in working so hard....i wan to be able to provide them with a comfortable life...and tis is sth i've said umpteen times in my posts since 2005...

recently, there has been a new and equally strong motivation for me......
tis source of motivation has been arnd for a pretty long time too...since last june...but it's onli my returning to Singapore that has amplified its effects...
she's so sweet...and i'm real thankful for dat cos i'm sometimes so busy dat all tis little thgs reali do make up ALOT...
giving me the morning calls cos she noes dat i sometimes overslept back in philly and she doesn't wan me to be late for my meetings here too, making sure i get enuff sleep, helping me look for wat i need when she noes dat i don hav time to do so, pound my back when i get tired from lugging the dinosaur of my laptop arnd all dae long...and more....

THANKS! and dat is a big thank you to you all.....

of cos, how can i forget many of my wonderful frens who have alwaiz been arnd for me...
and again, as i've mentioned so many times before all tis yrs, i wun be who i am without u all oso....together with my family and her, many of u have formed the pillar of my support tis 1yr....
and u noe who u are.... =)

when the going gets real tough, i sometimes reali felt like giving up....
no kidding....i am human too....i feel weak at times too....i may look very strong most of the time, but sometimes i wish there is someone juz there whom i can lean on...
and it is this pillar which i've alwaiz subconsciously leaned on....
thanks everyone....i reali reali feel grateful for dat....

tis 1 yr's journey has almost come to an end....onli a mth more or so....
i've learnt alot...i've gained alot....i've lost some too...but i'll make up for dat....
it has been a rough journey at times...getting knocks, getting bumps, bruises, but i've gotten my fair share of rewards too....
i'm back a different person, with even greater confidence, a much more global perspective and entrepreneurial mindset, a more rugged and proven determination as well as personality, BUT at the same time, i've retained my roots....i'm still the Jinfa you all used to noe....
i still love volunteering, i long for dat all the time....it makes me so happy to see the smiles on the faces of the children i used to help at Yishun Wonderkids...
i am still the old me....i've not become arrogant or complacent just because of a few achievements....cos i noe i still have tons of room for improvement....and even if i reach there, i will still never be arrogant or complacent....
i still want to do my part for Singapore...i still am driven by my desire to provide a comfortable life for my family and my own family in future....i still am happy when my frens r happy....

i can go on all nite....
i wonder how i will feel on graduation nite....11th June....
but something I noe for sure...
i can't wait for 23rd July 2007....

Back to Singapore....Back Home....back to my dearest....

A peek into my heart and mind...
(",)

2007-05-12T21:03:00.000+08:00

Saturday...

9am now Eastern Standard Time...
leaving my house in half an hr....

Will be back in Singapore soon!
Take care all, and hear from ya and see ya in Singapore!

=)

FinAlLy...
=)

2007-05-12T12:58:00.000+08:00

Friday...

12hrs to my flight...
25hrs flight...
12hrs time difference...

37hrs flight time inclusive of time difference...
49hrs away from arriving at Changi Airport...

time for bed...

Now I understand wAt my seniors meant...
now i do...

2007-05-12T11:38:00.000+08:00

Friday...

finally, tomorrow's the day...
i'm flying back to Singapore for 2 weeks on a business trip....I'm sure I do not have to elaborate about the details anymore...

Was speaking to my production manager todae....telling him abt some thoughts I've had...
I'm concerned that too much has changed in this one year...family and frens in Singapore, the environment in Singapore and alot more...and I'm not sure how all these will fit in nicely when I'm back on Monday....I've got too much to handle within such a short time span...and I don't even know whether I can get used to the weather or not....so actually, it's good that i'm going back for onli 2wks...it's sort of like a preview to wat i'll actually experience when i go back for good in July...

He brought up a good point which I had sorta forgotten about....he said..."Melvin, you'd be the one who has changed the most, not your family and friends"....
That seemed to ring some bell in my head....and i realize that that is the truth....

Well, I know I shouldn't be thinking so much about all these...
but I really wonder if anyone will really understand me anymore....well, at least in the short term; within these 2 weeks....
Can everyone see where I'm coming from?
Can family and frens understand my rationale in the way I think and reason?
Can they see my perspectives?
Can we clique in our thoughts?
And more....

Partly cos of the big difference in culture here in the US...which will contribute to all those disparities....
I just hope that it won't take too long to fit in again....

Will she understand how I think and feel?
I hope so....

Maybe I'm thinking too much....
I should just concentrate and focus on my work....
Take care all, and see u back in Singapore...

Aniwaiz...thank you for offering to see me to the airport tomorrow although it really isn't necessary...everyone else is traveling but u still take the extra effort to see me off...i really appreciate ur sincerity... =)

somehow, i'm feeling a little sick todae...not sure y even though my rest last nite was pretty good....
i shld sleep earlier...or at least, i'll try to...

Staying firm and rooted to my vision and beliefs...

2007-05-11T11:27:00.000+08:00

Thursday...

thanks icy and olive for your nice emails... =)
i will be back real soon and hope to see u!

had a nice dinner at a nearby pub with my friend tonite...we chatted abt lotz of stuff....
abt our future plans, abt life in general, abt the entire NOC experience, abt the ppl here, abt the power dynamics, politics and the ugly side of some ppl here....which was the yikey part....yikes....

aniwaiz, i've onli been sharing my plans with a small grp of ppl, they r the ones whom i can trust more...and i feel interested in sharing with them cos i can feel their sincerity, their concern, their interest to know and to share with me their plans too....
and NOT ppl who r dua kang all the way...ppl who brag, ppl who talk but cannot walk the talk, ppl who r empty vessels, ppl who r incompetent when it comes to execution...ppl who r juz WITHOUT substance....
i'm glad i've got frens whom i feel comfortable sharing my more personal thots with....
can't wait to return to Singapore soon, to embark on my plans...exciting plans...as those who have heard abt it have commented.....

my CFO is organizing a lunch outing tomorrow for my colleagues and I...4 of us to go to lunch tmr....maybe will have others joining...dat's cos i'm flyin on the day after and my colleague, the 3 of us who r the closest, will be flying back to Denver tomorrow for the weekend....
well, i tink i'll miss them during the 2 wks i'm back in Singapore....
i shall bring back some goodies for them and for my other colleagues and some frens here....

can't wait for sat to arrive....can't wait to fly back...
can't wait to see my family....it's been more than 10mths....
if it's not for my family and u, i'd hav dropped the idea of coming back for the competition which i have almost 0 motivation and interest for....especially during the period when we were almost forced to drop the course in summer semester....
yupz...0 motivation and interest....
juz wanna get it done and over with....

but yah, can't wait to see u all....miss u all so so so so so so so so much! =)
can't wait to embark on my own plans....and actually, tis trip back will help alot too as i will be involved in a few key business meetings....which could signal the commencement of much much bigger things to come... =)

miss u all... =)

see u all soon! =)

2007-05-09T11:46:00.000+08:00

Tuesday...

it was a zombified day at work todae...i was so terribly tired dat my brain was deep fried early in the morning with everyone pulling me in all directions and having work pile up before another task could be even completed...

was juz packing my luggage....obviously, i can't fit everythg in...hav to leave some stuff to bring back in july instead....as i was packing my stuff, lotz of memories came flooding back...from the daes in secondary school to nus....to the dae i was at the airport, 7/7/2006, to the entire 10mths+ i've been here....
all the experiences, all the lessons learnt, everything of everything...
it has been so much over tis last 10mths +....

i'm feeling a little stressed out now...it's a period of change for me, and actually, i'm glad i'm going back for abt 2wks instead of going back straight....
i noe she's feeling a little stressed and sianz....partly cos of work right after exams...i can totally comprehend that....i guess it's a period of change for both of us and for my family too....another person in the house, but of cos, it's a good change...juz dat everyone's juz gotta used to a new lifestyle...
i gotta get used to a new lifestyle for the nxt 2wks for sure....a good preview for me before i return in july...
packing is kinda stressful....and planning for my 2wks in singapore is stressful too...my schedule is pretty tight oredi....i still gotta work from Singapore....remotely....dat's one....
second, i got 3 different business meetings to attend, for each business agenda, there r at least a couple of meetings....startup@singapore competition, solar tech cum fyp and another business proj a close fren of mine has been working on with me....
third, i got a couple of conferences to attend during the same period....
the rest of the time, of cos, will be spent getting over the jetlag, getting used to the weather, some leisure, and of cos the most impt of all....i tink i can afford a few gatherings with a few grps of frens....WiseUtd, EE bros, some very close frens, mj, and of cos my family...which includes my grandma too....

2 wks certainly isn't going to be enuff for everythg....but i juz hav to make the best of the time i guess....
it's kinda stressful cos of tis fact....i reali need an organizer phone....sometimes i forget the appointments that i have planned well ahead of time....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i wanna thank everyone for ur help, ur support, whether it is moral, mental, physical or in any form, ur encouragement, ur care and concern, ur relentless cheering, and everythg from everyone....i reali appreciate it alot although i may not have expressed it sufficiently sometimes....
at the back of my mind, all of u, family and frens r alwaiz there....the strongest pillar of support i have...

My confidence is also largely built on the confidence I have in not onli myself but oso my frens....surrounded by close frens who r intelligent, capable and most imptly of all, ppl whom i can truly trust....i can't help but feel even more confident of any endeavor i decide to undertake....
in my future endeavors, i will definitely still need the support of everyone....

like i said, i've got many plans ahead for the 1yr and more....
but i'm hesitant in elaborating now online cos i'm still weighing my options....so i'll prolly reveal them a little a time when i feel that the time is ripe to do so....

and partly cos i feel dat it's no point in saying so much....i'd pretty much prefer to execute first, or at least start revealing some information onli after i've made some headway into my decided course of action...
cos i've seen so many ppl who TALK so big but r actually airheads.....did nuttin but talk...and brag...and again, dat disgusts me....yikes...
so nowadays, i guess it's part of a defensive action...i don even wan to tell my plans to too many ppl oredi....at least not the ppl here.....but i guess i'll still be willing to share them openly with my frens back in Singapore...and again, by frens, i mean my real close frens...which i believe i still hav quite a number of them....

thgs r looking pretty exciting though....and my entrepreneurial passion and vision r both burning more strongly than before oredi....

ohh, okie, before i forget, sorry abt the digression...
i reali long to do volunteer work again back in Singapore....i wanna go back to do the Yishun Wonderkids....which i noe has been renamed to Reading Stars....
nevertheless, volunteer work reali makes me happy...makes me feel down to earth, makes me feel dat i'm taking a temporary escape from the evil world out there...and most imptly, makes me feel like myself....
i wanna make ppl smile, seeing them happy makes me warm and happy inside....

well well, there r like tons of thgs i wanna do...

i've got so much on my mind....i wish there's someone whom i trust wholeheartedly and who i'm very close to right in front of me physically now whom i can confide in and share my thots with...
unfortunately, and sad to say, i don tink there's anyone here who fits dat criteria totally....there r a couple who fits it partially but have not been subjected to the test of friendship long enuff yet....
so tis blog is prolly the closest avenue of thots sharing to wat i desire to have....until at least, when i return to Singapore...

last but not least, i've not bought gifts for everyone yet....
hope u all understand, tis has been an ultra busy period for me...i don even get enuff sleep le....
besides, my plan was to get for u all when i return in july cos while traveling for that 3wks, i'll be picking up souvenirs from all over the continent....as opposed to the trips i go here and there abt once a mth....

alright, 4daes before i fly....can't wait....
missing everyone lotz...

tIRed Beyond deScriptiOn...

2007-05-07T13:12:00.000+08:00

Sunday...

it's been quite a number of days since i last blogged....as a matter of fact, i've had lotz to talk abt and blog abt...but last week, i was busy finalizing the business plan which I've completed for the startup@singapore competition...
oso, i was kinda lazy to type everything out....

well, i don tink i'm going to be able to relay all my thots now as well...there's juz too much to talk abt i'm simply overwhelmed....
i reali am....
so, let me start off another post which may appear to u as one with random thots....here goes...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i wanna juz quickly talk abt my shopping trip todae...spent abt USD$350...
it's a whole lot of money....i can't even rem how many of such shopping sprees i've been on oredi....
todae, i bought tons of stuff....

2 Polo Ralph Lauren polo tees
1 Polo Ralph Lauren dress shirt
1 DKNY dress shirt
1 Guess dress shirt
1 CK dress shirt
1 CK pants
1 CK messenger bag
1 Kenneth Cole Reaction briefcase
2 Gifts =p

wanted to spend more....but i thot i ought to be more disciplined in my spending....i've got so many dress shirts and polo ralph polo tees that i'm bringing back that they can last me for a few yrs oredi....
i oso decided to stop at this amount todae cos i'll be on another few shopping sprees later in june and july...with my family especially....and i tink i shop much more aggressively than many of my female frens here....hahaz...
and perhaps in SG too....
cos each time, i spend obscene amounts of more than S$500-$600...sth which i will never do in SG....
i guess tis is the onli time to do tis kind of thing...when i start working in future, i can't alwaiz be spending like this....gotta save up for rainy daes and for marriage and many other big plans too...

i reali love wat i bought though....change of image in process....and a good one at dat....
especially when all the branded stuff here is so darn cheap....everythg i bought todae could have easily cost more than $1000 in Singapore....same applies for the previous shopping sprees....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i'm flying back this Saturday....
i can tell u dat i'm filled with highly charged emotions....

it's been more than 10mths since i left singapore oredi....not reali dat long, but not exactly short either....especially when u take into account how much i've been thru here....
the amt of stuff i've been thru here is easily a few times than period of 10mths cos it's been a highly accelerated pace all along.....sometimes to the extent that i have been overwhelmed, swept under and resurfaced....and fortunately, survived.....

i miss my dear family, mj and all my wonderful friends an awful lot....words cannot describe how much i miss them....i wonder how much everything and everyone has changed....
and i wonder how ppl will perceive me to be now....expectations, more often than not, lead to different perceptions and hopefully, all will be good....

6 more daes before i fly...it's reali amazing....i can't believe it....
in juz less than a wk, i'll be back in Singapore.....back home....my real home.....
back to my comfort zone again...
back to the place i feel most comfortable in...
back to the company of all the closest ppl in my life...
although it's onli for a couple of weeks before i return to the US again, it'll be a much appreciated respite...
i tink i'll be back in the US in future for studies again, and possibly business....i noe i wanna do a Harvard MBA...or Wharton....one of tis 2 in the future....let's see how thgs turn out....

but for now, all i'm focusing on is the meeting of everyone back in SG.....
i'll start packing my luggage seriously tmr...
maybe i shld leave the blog post to later tis wk yah...
i'm so tired now my brain isn't working oredi....

missing everyone real lotz....
and i mean, REAL LOTS!!! =)

A period of cHAnGe...
I will need to be highly adaptive...
Returning can be as stressful as leaving....

2007-05-01T12:43:00.000+08:00

Monday...

thks Gracie for remembering me even while going on a holiday....hahaz...don spend too much lah... =p

had a sharing session with my housemates earlier tis evening...we had grass jelly and soyamilk dessert after dinner...and a few of us were sharing our thoughts and feelings about anything we felt about the entire NOC experience to date....
i talked about a few issues...my frens did too....i've reali learnt a great deal....not simply of entrepreneurship and business but also abt life....
yes....about life....i don even know how i can pour it all out in a single blog post without having to tink abt the structure of the entire story....

again, i guess, dat has to be sth that shld be told verbally or when i really hav the luxury of free time to sit down and write a long and detailed paper...
maybe i shld do dat for my NOC report....since i hav to write and submit it aniwaiz...

The feeling of apprehension is slowly beginning to set in....Life in NUS and Singapore was very different from how it is here....'very' is an understatement.....
I hope I can continue on the route to achieve my goals without getting lost somehow during the transition phase when I return to Singapore....
This is something which the government should prolly look at....For someone who has onli been in the US for a year, the change is already that great....for the govt to entice Singaporeans who have been studying or working overseas for more than a few years...much more definitely has to be done...

Well, I have a lot of thoughts....but they're all very jumbled up....
Starting to feel dat i'm reali very comfortable with the life here oredi....Another major change by returning...

perspectives...

2007-04-30T12:16:00.000+08:00

Sunday...

took some time out to relax todae...
went for a dim sum lunch with my frens in chinatown todae....9 of us...
thereafter, we went to ktv from 2pm to 7pm....
was largely organized by me tis time round....

sounds slack don't i?
i realized dat i haven't really had tis kind of sundays in a very long time oredi.....it felt good...
although i had to discuss abt the business plan stuff juz now at nite, tis aftn, i was reali reali enjoying myself....i slipped out to get a haircut even....

my frens say dat i've been kinda weird tis 2daes....as in, i've been talking a little weird stuff....
in actual fact, i'm starting to feel the 'cant bear to leave this place' feeling....
a little....i'm starting to feel it coming oredi...
a couple of my closer frens in my junior batch asked me to extend too....i've managed to get along with one of them especially well, better than i had initially thought....
and the camaraderie that has been developed....and the nice chatting sessions i've had with some of my juniors...
and not to mention abt my own batchmates....have had lots of those too...

starting to feel the 'cant bear to leave' feeling build up...
i've alwaiz been kinda sentimental when it comes to tis kind of situations....i still am....

for now, i shall go to bed oredi...
goodnight...
miss everyone lotz...

天下无不散之宴席...

2007-04-29T12:24:00.000+08:00

Saturday...

had been wanting to blog for the last couple of daes but was too busy to do so...every night, this activity just didn't seem to find its way into the 'completed things' part of my overall to-do list...

todae....went to visit a fren in NJ....arnd princeton area...and it was great fun...
her house is wonderfully beautiful...she's a director in clinical research in J&J....a fellow Singaporean who has been here for more than 10yrs i think...and someone whom I totally respect....
It was the 3rd time I met her and her children, whom we had lotsa fun with too....
Today, we went to Princeton University together for some carnival thingy...it wasn't too great but well, although the campus is pretty beautiful, i still tink Harvard's one is better...and even UPenn's one is of comparable standard....
anyhow...it was a fun dae....juz came back not long ago....
I think i will miss her and her children alot...hope they can attend our graduation ceremony in June.....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had been thinking of my plans again...and I need to realli write everything down to organize my thoughts again...cos i have quite a number of alternatives for the 1 yr and several yrs ahead....
it's pretty exciting but i wanna make sure i am organized and be able to get the best out of everythg and to get the things i reali want most....

Which leads me to think that I had really wasted many yrs of potential back in sec and jc daes....I know i have talked about this before...but lemme juz grumble abit more....
Hmmm, one of the things i often tell my sis and closest frens is that I feel that one of the most wasted issue is that when one has the potential to achieve great things but doesn't do so cos of laziness or lack of appropriate planning or other inexcusable factors.....
i tell them to onli my sis and closest frens cos i don wan to be misunderstood as trying to force ppl to tink tis way too....in fact, it's juz my personal opinion and of cos anyone is entitled to their own views, and thus, challenge mine.....

u noe...come to tink abt it...
i even feel dat although i had made up for my playfulness and lack of vision in sec sch and jc....i was still too slow in the first 2 yrs in NUS....
in retrospect, i tink i cld have achieved even more and done better in school and other areas if i had tis set of thinking right now...
and thus, i definitely want to up the ante when i return for my final year....

okie...i might come across as being too harsh on myself again...
but i seriously feel dat my capacity hasn't been reached yet and i feel dat i can comfortably take on more....
so hopefully, i will be able to achieve success in the areas which i aim to...
in the meantime, i reali feel dat it's of no point trying to relay my personal goals to some ppl cos there r so many ppl (here and maybe elsewhere) that are so good at bullshitting and trying to smoke ppl abt their competencies and capabilities dat it TRULY make me feel DISGUSTED....
yikes....how did these ppl make it through the filters.....

I don't want to be mistakenly placed in the same kind of league as them....let them ramble on for as much as they want to lor...hahaz...
i don give a damn at all....let those who clearly can distinguish between the capable and those who r merely smoking decide on how to go abt doing so....
for those who are myopic in vision...i'm sorry for them....for those who are taken in easily...i feel bad for them too.....for those who smoke all dae long and lack actual competencies...i feel sorry for them....
go get a life...and get some self-esteem too!

Eventually, let's see who will be the victors....
or maybe I wun even care at all...cos in my eyes....tis type of ppl aren't even worth considering at all....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

sorry if i sound a tad too cynical...juz wanted to grumble abit dat's all...hahaz...
and a little pissed and frustrated with ppl like tis...and how they can do dat kind of stuff all the time....
bear with me... =p

i'm juz looking forward to working with familiar ppl again...ppl whom i respect and noe how good they are....and many of them r frens back in SG....

miss u all alot leh...
hahaz....everyone....

kk, i'm very sleepy oredi...shld try to sleep in an hr's time... =p
goodnight all....will be back in SG soon!

hols for many of my frens in uni soon....jiayou for ur last papers!

Soon le....
soon... =)

2007-04-27T13:06:00.000+08:00

Thursday...

my CFO asked me whether I can extend my work here for another 6months....
he sensed my unwillingness to do so and then asked if i can extend by another 2mths until school starts back in SG....

i didn't give him any sort of reply....
but it's not reali possible to do so since sch starts in earli aug...
i'm tinkin if there is any way i can cont to work from SG since once i leave, tis finance work will be hung in the balance...the proj will msot likely be delayed and even cancelled cos there wun be anyone handling it...and even hiring a new person to do it will delay the proj as the learning curve is pretty steep...

let's see how...
i'll definitely be back on 23rd July though....wun be extending it here...

more later....
lots to say but need to go off now le....

take care my dear ones....miss ya all!

I am very proud to be a Singaporean...
=)

2007-04-24T13:19:00.000+08:00

Monday...

It's one of those nights again...
One of those nights when I have so much on my mind that I have to blog about which otherwise, I wouldn't be able to fall asleep....
Let me first briefly talk about my weekend in NYC...
Singapore Day in NYC was a HUGE success...it really really is....Great food, Singapore's weather (hottest weather in NYC for 2007 so far was recorded on that day!), nice Singapore performances...we had the ge tai, Hossan Leong, Eric Khoo's films...etc...
I had the opportunity to speak to a lot of high level people that day and also took photographs with them....Hossan Leong, Eric Khoo, Roy, the Director of the Overseas Singapore Unit in the Prime Minister's Office and also DPM Wong, who was the guest of honour..
Pardon my messy hair...I really need a good ol tub of trusty wax I used to use back in Singapore...
I felt even more patriotic after the event....I think I already am an extremely patriotic person...one of my friends commented that I'm a nationalist when introducing me to her friend last week!

Aniwaiz, clubbing in NYC on sat night was a new experience....which I won't talk about tonite...
The Broadway Musical which I watched on Sunday was really cool, Mama Mia...really really good!
Well, again, these are things I'll talk about another time...
Photos too, will be shared next time....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, to talk about what I really wanted to talk about....
In the last few months, I have been getting more and more skeptical about trusting people here...In fact, I don't anymore....At least, I don't do so completely anymore...
Oftentimes, I have things to share...Sometimes, I yearn for someone I can confide in physically here...
I used to feel that I could do so here, but increasingly, I have been getting more and more unsure....
This has definitely been one of the factors which has been tiring me out here...
Politics is one of the problems....Optimistically, the environment here has shown me the ugly side of the real world....I have had first hand experience....

And trust me, it's really ugly sometimes, and oftentimes, nauseating....
I have chosen to spend my time, efforts, resources, energy and focus on other things which I think are more important....Very often, I have chosen to remain lower profile to avoid the politics....The actions by some people really irks me, but yet, I find it meaningless to lower myself to their levels...and why should I make myself angry over things which are not worth being angry with?

Alas, this is easier said than done...Sometimes, I still get pretty affected...
and at those times, I find that even though I am longing for someone to grumble to, to complain to, to confide in; I have never been able to tell these all to someone here for fear of it leaking out....and because I am unsure of the person's agenda....
this is bad....i really didn't want to become so suspicious and judgmental but sometimes, I really have to do so in the act of self-defense....
Occasionally, I talk to a few people whom I trust more, and I feel better....
BUT i do not want to start building alliances and all dat...it's reali tiring and yikey...
These are also the times which make me miss my family and friends in Singapore even more....

This is part of the experience here, and I fully understand that...I'm only grumbling now...but everything is under control.... =)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have also been thinking of my plans for the next one year and few years ahead....The experience here has changed me a lot, in many ways....
One of them is my mindset....It used to be a student mindset....No more....
It's very adult, very corporate now....I have been evaluating all kinds of career options that I will have access to in the next one year....

I know what I want to achieve, but I really need to organize my thoughts.....
Should I go for this, or that, or the third one, or another choice?
Maybe I will be guided on to one of the options naturally....
Maybe....

But I really do want to found a startup in the area which I am currently most interested in, have the strongest belief in, and have this vision of a better world....and my gut feeling, which is usually pretty accurate, tells me that I am on the right track...

More importantly, it is not simply for personal gain....
This is the direction Singapore needs to move forward....It requires a concerted effort....
Entrepreneurship has been receiving many booster packs from the government, but it take both hands to clap....Singaporeans need to take the step out ultimately....
I believe the government is on the right track too....In this aspect, I totally support its drive....

The International Advisory Council had the same advice for EDB in the annual meeting last week too....

Well, I wanted to talk about all my options, but let me leave it for another post...
I'm starting to feel groggy...which means, it's time for bed....

I don't really care about what some people want to do here anymore...I know my priorities, I know my goals, I know what are the most important things in my life, I know where I want to be in a year's time, I know how to get there...I will first complete this program, and return to Singapore to contribute to its vibrant growth....

18 daes to go before I fly back to Singapore for the competition....ohh, regarding this, it will qualify as an entire long blog post too....but again, that's something for another dae....

for now, goodnight all, hope everyone does well in exams! =p

Trust, Knowledge, Connected, Life...
Singapore and her new strategy in moving forward...
Proud to be a Singaporean... =)

2007-04-21T11:57:00.000+08:00

Friday...

see, time flies doesn't it?
I vividly remember that I was blogging last Friday too....and now, it's a following friday oredi!
let's see....i had alot to talk abt...but some thgs hav slipped my mind...aniwaiz...lemme juz say wat i rem...

we had this bbq farewell party for one of our frens last nite....it was very fun...the bbq was good....i reali had a lot of fun before coming home at abt midnight to finish up the paper for the wharton module i'm taking this sem....
tmr is Singapore Day in new york! i'm so excited...
i believe it has been widely publicised in Singapore as well, so i dont need to say too much abt it...i'm juz looking forward to it!
and, im' staying over in new york tmr cos i'm watching my 4th Broadway musical! woohoo! this time, it's Mama Mia...shld be pretty good... =)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i can tell that many of my frens back in singapore are feeling stressed....it's pretty obvious....and i can understand y too with the exams juz round the corner....
no matter how busy u are, please take good care of urselves....
by now, u all have taken so many exams oredi....tis is juz simply another game.....i like to tink of exams as games...because they precisely are! those who understand the rules the best and who noe how to play the game well will do the best.....
tink along tis line and u prolly wun feel too stressed out oredi....
i wish everyone gd luck in their papers!

i'll be back in Singapore in juz abt 3wks oredi...can't wait u noe....
at the same time, i'm oso secretly feeling abit nervous...okie okie....it's no longer a secret now...hahaz...
but well, i haven't been in Singapore for abt 10+ mths by the time i return....so i'm reali a little nervous....hahaz...but i guess dat will all subside by the time i see my beloved family...
can't wait can't wait!

Tis aftn, i met 2 of my noc juniors for lunch cos 3 of us work relatively nearby...
it was a good chat with one of them after the first one left...
very good one.... =)

kk...i've lost my train of thought....
but nvm...i tink it's cos im' tired...i'm feeling very sleepy...

more later!
miss u all....ALOT!!! =p

Trust, Knowledge, Connected, Life...
Singapore's Growth Strategy...
i tink it's fabulous! =)

2007-04-19T13:11:00.000+08:00

Wednesday...

juz finished the first draft of the paper that is due tomorrow....the first draft shld most likely be the final draft oredi oso....well, i'm not very satisfied with it....too last min work, too rush, too tired to produce a paper dat i can be proud of....

i tink i've grown to expect even more and more from myself as time passes....back in nus, i noe i've alwaiz had high expectations of myself....but now, it's grown to such a high level that sometimes, i'm not sure if it's still a good thing after all.....cos i don seem to be satisfied with my work easily anymore....
maybe it's the perfectionist's dilemma....or sth lydat...
i noe dat the general opinion ppl hav of me is dat i'm too harsh on myself...or at least, dat's wat i gathered from the kind of advice i alwaiz get frm family and frens....which is to be nicer to myself....
well, when i take a break...i'll tink abt tis issue again...

i've got alot to say abt work....but i don feel like typing it out....so, it's going to be for another story-telling session when i return.....
it's juz getting busier and heavier....been working longer hrs and at higher intensity....more nxt time...

last nite, i reached home at abt 10....after bathing, i finished up some office work....and i wanted to take a 45mins nap before i work on the paper....guess wat...
i didn't even hear the alarm ring....totally knocked out....
and i get the same kind of feeling now...brain dead.....

everyone's having exams back in SG now....it's the exam period here too...

again, tis post is another random thots post....it will prolly sound kinda incoherent again...

i'm sorry u hav to wait....i don wan to too....
but i guess we must....
soon....okie?

looking forward to taking a break soon....
or rather, before i hav a chance to take a break, the nxt major event is returning to sg in may....looking forward to dat real badly...

i've got so so much to say...but i can't type it all out....
so, it's all going to be for another dae....

Mummy, take care k....get more rest....don make me worried...
take the flu tablet if u need to, drink more water...and sleep more!
I will take care, so u must too....

kk...i'm ending tis post here oredi....
i promise i'll try to have a more interesting and normal post the nxt time....

i reali reali need an organizer...

2007-04-16T13:21:00.000+08:00

Sunday...

i slept abt 9hrs last nite...but i am feeling so tired now....must be because the 9hrs wasn't high quality sleep...wat a pity...darnz...cld be because i had to wake up in the middle of the nite to go pee.....

tis is juz going to be a some random, anyhow, no brainer blog post....
feeling very sianz of doing the negotiations paper oredi....i shld hav started on it earlier....i tink i can still do a decent job, but i feel very bad cos i'm not putting my 100% into it...
maybe i'm a perfectionist in some aspects...

i say 'in some aspects', cos i onli am interested in putting in my 100% if i'm interested in sth....and if i feel motivated to....
likewise, when i'm not dat motivated by sth, i tend to find it hard to fully focus on it....i'm sure that's normal for everyone else too....and i'm indeed facing some of that right now, over here....
haiz....nvm lah....i noe my heart is somewhere else....and i understand y too....nvm, i shall fully focus on dat once i'm done with tis....and nvm if u dono wat i'm talking abt....cos like i said, tis is a nobrainer post...i'm lazy to even put the '-'....

kk, moving on....
eh Xian....r u at sea now again?
miss u all leh...i miss WiseUtd....was juz tinkin abt our exciting soccer champion daes....the daes we alwaiz had challengers wanting to play with us, the daes we won most of our games, the saturday aftns we used to meet at '3pm' at yishun mrt to walk over to block 123 field...but everyone will onli come at 3.30...hahaz...
and after soccer, we'd all go yishun BK to talk cock and relax....and upsize all our meals cos we'll be damn thirsty....
den after dat, go home to watch EPL matches...
so so so so much mroe for WiseUtd....we hav all grown up so much....everyone has had new achievements...i'm so proud of us all...the fun loving ppl, the most fun ppl to be with, and yet we are still doing well enuff in life...all the fond memories....ultra fun....
reali so grateful to hav u all....

next....sth which i hav been tinkin alot as well recently...
community service work....
i miss it so much....
i miss the friday evenings the last 2 yrs in nus....every fri evening, i'll go down to yishun scs...help out at the volunteer program....so fun, so nice to see the kids smile, so happy to see that they've improved over the course of one sem....
the rapport and camaraderie with the other volunteers from nus, xiqian they all....ultra fun....
the suppers thereafter...alwaiz make me luff until i'll go home with sore jaws and stomache..hahaz...
miss u all...

kk....dono wat else i'm tinkin...but i am very sleepy le...
tis wk is going to be very packed....can't wait for tis wk to end....thgs shld improve after tis wk...
or least i hope....zhiwei was saying dat my busy weeks never seem to end....
it's been thru for the last few mths at least....
and he's right too, i shld give myself a well deserved break soon...and i will...

coming back soon....counting down everydae...
2wks+ onli, but dat's so impt....miss everyone so much....

nitez all....more later...
jiayou for now for those who r revising for exams in sg....endure abit more!
in the middle of the nite, if u r revising and feel tired and sianz, rem dat u got a dear fren in the US battling with u! u hav company and will never be alone....

kk....shld go slp le...
more abt the gifts thing later tis wk....

Her Hope...My Happiness...
Perfect...

2007-04-15T10:16:00.000+08:00

Saturday...

first up...i didn't do any work todae....hmmm, i'm juz feeling so tired now....i'm declaring todae as a "no work" day! hahaz....feeling abit bad, i wanted to touch on abit of the 12 page paper due on thurs for the wharton module which i hav onli done 2 pages....
abit sianz to do....and after awhile, i decided to stop doing...cos i'm so tired i can't tink at all...it'd still be juz draggy and producing low quality work....and making myself even more sianz....so despite the fact dat i shldn't procrastinate...i'm juz going to put it off for now....

tmr's going to be real busy....cos monday is the full dress presentation for the business plan module! not reali looking forward to it actually...hope it turns out fine....

Aniwaiz, the most impt highlight for todae is dat i went shopping! hahahaz....initially, i juz wanted to accompany my roommate cos he needs to do some shopping before his sem here ends and he goes back to sg....
but in the end, i spent so much more than him...my budget was $100, but i spent $134 instd...so dat's slightly more than $200 sing dollars...hee....
i've been splurging on clothes alot more than when i was in SG....but it's SOOOOOO worth it!!!
for the prices dat i pay, i'm getting designer brand clothes here all the time!
i don tink i'll want to buy any clothes in singapore again....hahaz....
like todae...i bought 5 dress shirts, 4 of them from Guess...which had some sales....and 1 from Kenneth Cole....which if they had been bought from singapore, wld hav cost at least $300+ with sales!!!
and i oso bought another pair of Levi's jeans...for onli $25.....the levi's jeans here all cost arnd tis price...so much cheaper than in SG...so yah....dat was my expenditure...

i wanted to take fotos and post them here but my hair juz looks sucky...hahaz...so decided to post juz one....which didn't capture toooooo much of my unstyled hair....
aniwaiz, this is a Polo Ralph polo tee i bought from the outlet store when I was in Puerto Rico....juz happened to see the store, went in, saw that there was a promotion, and so I bought it...
very nice...haven't worn it yet...
in fact, i'm not planning to wear most of the new shirts i've bought recently....i'm going to wear them when i'm back in sg....and i've got so many new polo tees, shirts, jeans and hahaz...jackets! excited....revamping my wardrobe now and upgrading it....hahahaz....

many more rounds of shopping to go...i don mind splurging on traveling and shopping since i'm working so hard...shld bear to reward myself mah...hee....

kk...dat's all abt the shopping thingy....

aniwaiz....i've been remaining low profile here in recent months for some reasons....
as compared to the first 7 mths....i've been reali quiet here....

first,
i've been so immersed in all my commitments i've found myself having less time to socialize...

second,
my closest fren here had returned to sg....and i find sth lacking when he isn't here....

third,
i dislike the fact dat some ppl alwaiz try so hard to wayang....in front of ppl, appear to be so zai3, so good, everythg oso good...the wayanging reali disgusts me....i wanna puke....yikes.....so i decided to let these ppl do wat they want to do...i hav no interest in being like them.....

fourth,
i reali find dat being here gives me a sense of the real world...and how it'll be like....by this, i'm referring to the politics, the wayanging....the fakeness...the hypocrisy, it's juz er3 xin1....and i don reali look forward to being associated with some ppl....so, i chose to be more low profile and like the third pt above, let these ppl perform their antics....

fifth,
i am very happy maintaining close relationships with my dear family and frens back in sg.....i feel so so so so comfortable with them all, and i noe they r the most impt ppl in my life....i see the genuine them....i see the sincerity, the true friendship, the love, the real care and concern, of them all.....and it makes me smile juz to tink of all dat....

hahaz...kk, i noe i'm grumbling again....but let me be since i'm taking a break tonite....
i wanna sleep latest by 12.30 tonite...which is in another 2hrs...
in the meantime, i juz wanna chill out...
very satisfied with my conquests in shopping todae! =)

4 more weeks and i'll be back for a short while le....can't wait....
Miss my dear family and frens so so so so much!!! =)

the REAL ppl....
dat's wat i cherish...

2007-04-14T10:08:00.000+08:00

Friday...

TGIF!
i reali look forward to weekends all the time now...cos on friday nights, i usually cut myself some slack...like tonight, I watched 2 episodes of the HK drama which i watch with my roommie whenever we have dinner together at home...which is like abt 3 times a wk....
thereafter, i hurriedly finished up whatever work i had planned to do tonight...then now, i'm just blogging, relaxing, reading emails and chatting with frens....
it's Spring Fling this week, a notoriously celebrated event in the US where ppl party like mad to sort of informally usher in Spring....but it's more or less an excuse to drink oneself silly....
I'd have loved to go....and would definitely have gone for the party tonight had I not been down with sore throat and am still recovering from it....
Never mind, I don't really feel like going out tonight aniwaiz...and next Saturday, we r going clubbing in New York aniwaiz...so yah....

With every weekend, it is one week nearer to the completion of the NOC journey; at least the journey for this one year...upon my graduation from it, it will signal the commencement of a new journey....the real entrepreneurial journey.....
and like what i alwaiz say, it is a MUST for us to contribute to Singapore...to NUS....to fellow Singaporeans....
Singapore onli has its citizens (us) as its natural resources, which is why it has invested sooooo much in the education of its ppl....
Since its independence, Singapore has traditionally relied on foreign MNCs to bring in foreign direct investments and technology transfer....that was the right way to go...and which is why Singapore has grown so rapidly in the last few decades....
However, with the onset of globalization, that strategy alone, is no longer viable...
Even with the govt's reduction of corporate tax by 2% and beautifying the nation aesthetically and in many other ways attractive to foreign investors, the lure of other countries which offer much lower wages and lower taxes is undeniable.....
And again, I agree with the govt's strategy of encouraging entrepreneurship....it is high time it does so....and fortunately, a few yrs ago, the drive had oredi begun, with the recent 2-3 years seeing a stronger driving force....
Singapore needs to be more independent economically and financially...
and as one of its citizens and fortunate enuff to be sent on this program, the best way i can repay my country is by not just contributing back to it in economic terms but also, to bring back the entrepreneurial mindset to fellow Singaporeans....
which are wat i intend to do....

okie okie....it's been a long time since i blogged abt such stuff....i guess i had been too busy....but despite the busy schedules, my steadfastness towards that vision and goal has never wavered....

right, after next week, my workload will be reduced slightly....so i'm looking forward to next wkend....
will be in New York the entire wkend, i tink dat'll be my 7th time there oredi...

more tmr...
miss u all lotz my dear frens!

North, South, East, West...
Home is the BEST!
=)

2007-04-13T14:14:00.000+08:00

Thursday...

down with abit of sore throat...feeling a little groggy todae....
but shld be fine...don worry....

next sat's Singapore Day in New York le....i'm excited!
http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/singaporelocalnews/view/269992/1/.html

aniwaiz....
wanna get sth off my chest...

right, so i'm going to grumble again....as usual....hahaz....
if there's one thing i reali dislike abt someone, it'll be the sort of pretence they portray.....
the world is as such, and this is kinda related to work politics stuff....i noe it's absolutely normal, but juz lemme grumble abt it....

i reali cannot stand those ppl who are not as capable as they make themselves out to be....aka ppl who can talk but cannot walk the talk.....and i'm sure my sentiments r exactly shared by many of u out there who r reading this post....
and that, it is sth which the society cannot eradicate, for it is a normal thing to hav....
i juz can't stand it....and nowadays, i don even reali care abt wat goes on here...ppl can go on and on to rave abt their capabilities, their achievements, their so-called greatness....but i don give a damn....
if they can go on tis way all the lives and be successful, gd for them then....and i seriously don give a hoot abt dat as long as they don cross MY line....

if they cross my line, then i'll hav to do sth abt it.....
and trust me, they wun want to cross my line.....

kk...almost time for bed....pretty exciting stuff this week....but i shall keep it under wraps first...have onli told my fam and her abt it....
will share with everyone as it develops.....(assuming i hav time for it....)

many deadlines....i'm so squeezed again! gasping for air....

jiayou for ur examination revisions my dear frens!
u can do it!
=)

2007-04-11T11:36:00.000+08:00

Tuesday...

was coming up with a list of things to do during lunchtime in the office todae...
for these coming 2-3 weeks, i'm going to be ultra busy again, as i rush papers, business plan for sch, business plan for the competition, final presentations, and work....

but, after april, thgs shld get slightly better oredi....or at least i hope...

I was talking to a friend todae, she faced some problems...
and brought me to think abt this abt myself...

I am very sure I have changed over the course of the last 9-10 mths....
Surely got good and bad points....

Anyone care to feedback to me?
Now or later...I accept any kind of feedback....

feelin very sleepy todae....i hav a lot to do...but from now on, i am going to rank sleep as a higher priority oredi...cos my productivity is so much lowered when i don't get enuff of it...
and i've decided to cut down on the reliance on coffee.....
don wanna be a coffee addict...

nitez all!
will be sending emails out to many of my frens soon.....abt gifts!
stay tuned!

sleep is good...
sleep is such a luxury...
i shld reward myself more.... =)

2007-04-10T13:42:00.000+08:00

Monday...

another typical dae...normal dae...
had a long meeting after class...from 8 till almost 12mn in school...

so, kinda beat now....

cos i'm going back to sg for the competition in may, i'll be missing a few lessons of this compulsory entrepreneurship module that i'm supposed to take in the summer semester here....
the prof is not going to let me take it...
so dat means i'll hav another module to take when i return to nus....
dat means my workload will be even heavier....

well, i don reali mind dat cos it can help to pull up my cap further and also, i'll be able to learn new stuff from nus's perspective instd of dat of upenn...

aniwaiz....
tink i'll read a few pages of my new book before i sleep....

nitez!

wat was dat for...
incomprehensible....
bedtime! miss ya all...

2007-04-09T11:39:00.000+08:00

Sunday...

second post todae...
thanks wl....i totally concur with what you said....
and it is true that recently, i have been feeling the effects of the pressure exerted on me from all my commitments....but then again, it is ALWAYS r/s matters that really bring me down to my knees....
which over here, is precisely the case again....

r/s matters...all kinds of them...as long as it is an issue that will affect my relationship with someone i value...

aniwaiz, thks for the wake-up call...
tis morning, my parents were telling me to forget abt this issue too, and i realise that i reali need to be more professional in tis aspect of separating personal affairs from work...

i will do dat....at least, i'll try my best to do dat...

so yah...this is one of my weaknesses....
Relationships....

btw, for those who have not tried playing outdoor field soccer in winter conditions before...please do not try it...it's not fun at all having to run in temperatures of around 0deg....
i didn't enjoy todae's soccer session at all...

kk....wanna hav an earlier nite...

gd luck to u! =)

sleep is good...

2007-04-08T22:53:00.000+08:00

Sunday...

hey XM, i've posted some photos that I took at Puerto Rico here...
took me very long to look for some to upload...there r so many nice ones that i didn't want to undermine everyone's impression of the place by posting some 'not so nice' pictures...
but yah...
aniwaiz, wait till i go back den i describe the photos to u all k....

Haven't been too happy lately...
Forcing a false front everydae...forcing a smile....but i haven't been active in socializing events here....im' not happy....
maybe some of u noe y...

sucks....

hope i get into a better mood soon....or maybe i'm feeling lytis now cos i woke up from the wrong side of the bed.....
sighzzzzzzzzzz......

i'm totally different from my usual self...i totally don feel like socializing at all...

LAteR...

2007-04-04T11:09:00.000+08:00

Tuesday...

everythg's fine! hahaz...
If i take more than a dae to pick myself up, that'll be too uncharacteristic of me....nevertheless, thks for the concern.... =)

Super excited now...
my plans for the yr ahead and yrs ahead...r taking off.... =)

jiayou!
more details later...
and fotos abt puerto rico later too....

listening to webcast now....missed a seminar for my wharton module...

miss u all!

need to sleep earlier tonite...
and i will...
=)

2007-04-03T03:27:00.000+08:00

Monday...

feeling much better oredi...juz had a lunch appointment with my consulting professor...
reali nice guy, he's a prof at upenn....and who has been my mentor all this while...

right, gotta prepare for my presentation that is going to be in an hr's time in class....haven't prepared yet....
don feel like doing it but still must do it...

later...

yAwnz...

2007-04-03T00:21:00.001+08:00

Monday…

I feel a desperate need to blog right now…I’m not supposed to cos I’m working right now…but if I don’t, I think I’ll go crazy….

The results of the Wharton Business Plan competition has been released….we didn’t get into the finals….

I am facing a very complex mix of feelings and emotions….I’m not sure how to deal with this…at least not now….not at this moment….

Having come so far as to the semi-finals, it had already exceeded my initial expectations…I was proud of the fact that without any prior experience, with limited business knowledge prior to the NOC program and with many problems and issues that cropped up during that 4months when the competition was in the first few phases, I could still have made it that far….

Expectations of oneself naturally rise with achievements, and that is the same for me as well, especially when I consider myself as someone who sets very high standards for all my endeavours…

Guess what?
I am actually beginning to feel ashamed of myself….I don’t know why….I’m not supposed to…..but I AM…..
I’m feeling kinda ashamed that I have been kicked out/eliminated/removed/etc at the semi-finals stage…I feel ashamed that I can’t get into the finals…..arghhh….
It is very demoralizing and derailing as we set out to prepare for the other business plan competition which we are also in the semi-finals already…

At the same time, at the other end of the spectrum, I am relieved that because of this, I won’t have to face the pressure of working with my teammate on this competition anymore…but the bad news is?
I still have to face him as we work on the other competition together…..

I have been under a lot of pressure lately….way too much….ever since the beginning of this year….the accident that happened to my friends, the unrelenting amount of workload I have had to bear under strained conditions, the inter-personal tension with my teammate and everything else that had come my way in this foreign place where I have to put out every single fire myself and to fight every single war alone…

In the face of adversity, I am never afraid nor weak, but…even great heroes face insurmountable obstacles sometimes….and I feel like I am in that situation right now…

That accident that happened to my friends was terrible….It took away a life and two potentially successful people of tomorrow…One of them was my closest friend here…

The tension with my teammate has been very hard to handle…In order to avoid confrontations or unhappiness, I have been trying to avoid working with him on anythg as much as I can..

This is because I am trying not to let it affect our friendship….

But, it has not been working out too well….

The workload….This, I can only blame myself for thinking that I am superman….I took on commitments that came from all directions…I take on the toughest role for an intern in the company, I accept two business plan competitions, I am in the EXCO of the committee here, I attend all kinds of networking events, I work EXTREMELY hard in maintaining my relationships with family and friends back in Singapore (which I value the most) and so much more…and all this while taking the full coursework load of 40mcs equivalent in NUS…

I must be a madman…

I haven’t taken a real break in donkey months….Day in, day out, weekday or weekend, I am constantly racking my brains, working on something….

I barely get enough sleep on weekdays, and I do not have any chance to catch up on weekends either…

When I travel, I bring my work along so that I can get things done on the plane, at the airport, in the hotel at night….How stupid is that….

You know what?

The good thing is that my energy levels are still as high as before, if not higher. My enthusiasm is burning strongly, my passion for all the good things in life, my self-belief and confidence are at all time highs….

But I am really in need of a good rest….

It’s time to pick up the pieces of this competition…..and move on….I’m not sure how I am going to repair this damage….but it has to be done somehow…

Give me a break….Cut me some slack….
I need it….

I have to learn how to deal with failure….Many entrepreneurs had failed umpteen times before they eventually succeeded big time.

If I can’t handle this, how can I aspire to be a successful entrepreneur?

Period.

Time to reflect….and to recover….

I feel nauseous…

Confused...

2007-04-03T00:21:00.000+08:00